Soylent Green Now Free Range!

Now free range and humane!

Now free range and humane!

Soylent Green Ltd, makers of delicious and organic Soylent Green have announced that starting immediately all Soylent Green will be grown in “100 percent free-range conditions.”

“We have heard the protests of the animal rights activists” said Soylent Green Ltd’s CEO

It is true our Soylent Green has been grown in factories. Human coops actually. Kinda of like chicken coops but with people. And while we do not think that this affects the taste of our product many have protested and complained that our process, while legal, was inhumane. Because of this we are changing our growing process.  From now on all our Soylent Green will be raised free range. The dissidents, Republicans, Catholics and other undesirables such as the crippled or those with cerebral palsy in our factories will be removed from the coops and allowed to roam on the grass and feel the sun on their faces. The faces that will soon be eaten.

Animal rights activists hailed the decision as a major step forward in the humane treatment of humans chosen to be Soylent Green.

“We in the animal rights’ activist community are heartened by this decision” said a protester.

For years we have tried to raise the consciousness of our fellow humans about the plight of people in Soylent Green factories. We have, at great risk to ourselves, taken undercover footage of people packed 30-40 deep in human coops, sharing the same bathroom and WiFi signal. It’s cruel. Those about to be sacrificed so we can eat ought to have more rights than that. They should be happy and content. This will ensure that they are kosher.

Industry experts will be watching Soylent Green Ltd. closely to see how the change affects their bottom line.

“It’s nice to be socially conscious” said an industry expert.

But if the change to free range negatively impacts their bottom line then don’t expect other makers of food made from humans to change. The start up costs alone of a human farm where the future Soylent Green can wander free are prohibitive.

Despite the criticism Soylent Green Ltd. stands by its decision.

“It is the right decision to make and it makes us feel good about ourselves” declared the CEO.

As for the subjects who will become future Soylent Green, many expressed thanks.

“Sure, I’m still going to be chopped up and eaten” said one.

But having my own bathroom and WiFi is important. I felt so cooped up in those human coops. No  privacy whatsoever. And only one TV. That was a problem during football season. And don’t get me started on sex. You had to do it in front of everyone. So I’m grateful for the change. I deserve to be happy. I mean I know the State has to feed the masses and I’m happy to be sacrificed. But let’s be reasonable about it.

The makers of Soylent Kale, also made from humans, have announced that those on their Kale farms will be getting free Samsung Galaxy S7 phones.

“Baby steps. It’s all about baby steps” declared their press release.


One Response

  1. LSP says:

    Thanks, Infidel. But I’m a little surprised you didn’t interview Cecile Richards. Maybe next time?

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