George Bush don’t care about no black people. Or Cardassians.

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing one of the more controversial entertainment figures of our day. None other than Kanye West himself.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. West.

KW: I am God’s vessel.

MI: Um.

KW: My greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform.

MI:  Technically that’s not true. You can record a performance and watch it later.

KW: I meant live.  Are you stupid. That’s why I am going to clone myself. So I can watch myself.

MI: Clone yourself.  Is that safe?

KW: I don’t care about your doubts. This dark diction has become America’s addiction.

MI: I have no idea what that means.

KW:  Me neither. But it rhymes. But like I was saying, I am such a gift to the world. It’s a shame I can’t watch myself. That’s why I’m going to clone myself so I can watch myself.

MI: Makes about as much sense as anything you’ve said.

KW: How dare you think that. Shut the f*ck up.  I will f*cking laser you with alien f*cking eyes and explode your f*cking head.

MI: Well I wouldn’t want that to happen.

KW: I have a nuclear power. I am a superhero. I’m like Cyclops when he puts his glasses on. That’s why I’m cloning myself. So I can watch the great gift that is me doing everything.

MI: Everything.

KW: That’s right. I masturbate. I’m God’s gift to masturbation. I want to watch that. And if I clone myself I can.

MI: Um.

KW: Would you like to watch me masturbate?

MI: No.

KW: That’s right. You couldn’t handle it. I have angels on my side. The sight of me masturbating would blind your tiny essence.

MI: I’ll take your word.

KW: Can I watch you masturbate?

MI: What?

KW: I on the other hand can watch you masturbate without blinding my essence because you are a lower order of being.

MI: I am not going to masturbate for you.

KW: Do it!

MI: Look I am not doing it. And I frankly am very offending that you would even ask me. [pause] You’ll pay me, right?

KW:  Of course!  This is commerce!  How does a million dollars sound?

MI: Sounds good.

[Manhattan Infidel proceeds to take off his pants]

KW: Wait. Wait. Imma glad you are masturbating but Pee Wee Herman had the best masturbation ever.

MI: But I haven’t done the reverse self-inflicted rusty trombone yet!

KW: Imma out of here.

[Kanye West leaves]

MI: Wait. I’m still getting paid, right? I mean the last time I did this I was paid. It was in college for an independently-produced art film. The police have all the copies. 

And so ended my interview with Kanye West. I think it went well. Still, I feel drained. Drained and dirty. And I think I just blinded my essence.

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