My Exclusive Interview with Kanye West

George Bush don't care about no black people. Or Cardassians.

George Bush don’t care about no black people. Or Cardassians.

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing one of the more controversial entertainment figures of our day. None other than Kanye West himself.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. West.

KW: I am God’s vessel.

MI: Um.

KW: My greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform.

MI:  Technically that’s not true. You can record a performance and watch it later.

KW: I meant live.  Are you stupid. That’s why I am going to clone myself. So I can watch myself.

MI: Clone yourself.  Is that safe?

KW: I don’t care about your doubts. This dark diction has become America’s addiction.

MI: I have no idea what that means.

KW:  Me neither. But it rhymes. But like I was saying, I am such a gift to the world. It’s a shame I can’t watch myself. That’s why I’m going to clone myself so I can watch myself.

MI: Makes about as much sense as anything you’ve said.

KW: How dare you think that. Shut the f*ck up.  I will f*cking laser you with alien f*cking eyes and explode your f*cking head.

MI: Well I wouldn’t want that to happen.

KW: I have a nuclear power. I am a superhero. I’m like Cyclops when he puts his glasses on. That’s why I’m cloning myself. So I can watch the great gift that is me doing everything.

MI: Everything.

KW: That’s right. I masturbate. I’m God’s gift to masturbation. I want to watch that. And if I clone myself I can.

MI: Um.

KW: Would you like to watch me masturbate?

MI: No.

KW: That’s right. You couldn’t handle it. I have angels on my side. The sight of me masturbating would blind your tiny essence.

MI: I’ll take your word.

KW: Can I watch you masturbate?

MI: What?

KW: I on the other hand can watch you masturbate without blinding my essence because you are a lower order of being.

MI: I am not going to masturbate for you.

KW: Do it!

MI: Look I am not doing it. And I frankly am very offending that you would even ask me. [pause] You’ll pay me, right?

KW:  Of course!  This is commerce!  How does a million dollars sound?

MI: Sounds good.

[Manhattan Infidel proceeds to take off his pants]

KW: Wait. Wait. Imma glad you are masturbating but Pee Wee Herman had the best masturbation ever.

MI: But I haven’t done the reverse self-inflicted rusty trombone yet!

KW: Imma out of here.

[Kanye West leaves]

MI: Wait. I’m still getting paid, right? I mean the last time I did this I was paid. It was in college for an independently-produced art film. The police have all the copies. 

And so ended my interview with Kanye West. I think it went well. Still, I feel drained. Drained and dirty. And I think I just blinded my essence.


Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>