A photo of the offensive duo and their offensive costumes

Hillary Duff, aka “History’s Greatest Monster” is catching heat for her racially insensitive Halloween costume. Duff, heretofore an uncontroversial star, and her boyfriend decided to go as a pilgrim and a native American.

“I should have known I was in trouble when people started crying when they looked at us” said the distraught former child star.

I am truly, truly sorry for offending anyone. My costume was not properly thought through and I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart. I just wanted to dress up and have fun. It was Halloween. I used to dress up all the time as a kid. I just wanted to have some fun.  I now realize that I am racist and insensitive and I beg forgiveness from my fans, from my sponsors, from my agent, from everyone in Hollywood, from the native American community, from the non-native American community. I, as a white person living my white privilege lifestyle, now know better and will be more racially sensitive in the future.

Reaction to Miss Duff’s affront to common decency was instantaneous. Attorney General Loretta Lynch announced that she will open an investigation into Duff’s hate crime.

“Law is sacred to my people” said Lynch.

And as such I will use the laws of this nation to bring Duff to justice. Surely this action of hers, dressing up as a pilgrim and her boyfriend as a native American, must be illegal. I’m sure it is. I mean I don’t bother with the law, I’m just the Attorney General. But I will use the law to prosecute and ruin this monster. Impartially of course. In the best tradition of America.

From his jail cell convicted murderer Charles Manson called the costumes “inappropriate.”

Do these people have no shame? Are they trying to incite a race war like the Beatles did with Helter Skelter? I threw up when I saw the costumes. It’s shit like this that makes me want to stab a pregnant woman 50 times. A pregnant woman who isn’t appropriating someone else’s culture.

In Iraq outside the battleground city of Mosul ISIS commanders announced a “Day of Outrage.”

“This cultural appropriation of Hillary Duff is the most offensive thing I have every seen” said an ISIS commander.

This is even more offensive than women with their genitalia intact. This is more offensive than a Christian who hasn’t been placed inside an oven and burned to death. I am so outraged by this I will forgo the charms of my 14-year old slave boy and have sex with a goat instead.

President by acclamation Hillary Clinton promised that her first act as our nation’s chief executive will be to have Miss Duff and her boyfriend arrested.

Does this 20th century behavior have a place in the 21st century? Not under my watch! No cultural appropriation today!  No cultural appropriation tomorrow! No cultural appropriation forever!

The 46th president then finished her remarks by collapsing and passing out.

“She was dehydrated. That’s all” said her press secretary Miley Cyrus.

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Okay so I cheated. By by cheating I saved lives!

Captain America, hero to millions, has tested positive for anabolic steroid use and has been suspended by the supervisory body for superheroes, AADCSHSTA (the American Association of Disguised and/or Caped Superheros and/or Street Cleaners of America).

“Americans need to know the process is not rigged” said the AADCSHSTA’s president.

We favor free and open superheroes. Natural superheroes. When a family is trapped in a burning car and a superhero picks up the car with his hands and puts out the fire by sucking the flames into his lungs they need to know that it was done by a true superhero, not just an NFL player disguising his identity so he doesn’t get in trouble with the NFL’s licensing board. Or a crack head. Though sometimes they are the same.

Captain America becomes the first superhero suspended under the AADCSHSTA’s collective bargaining agreement. Though many suspect more suspensions will follow.  Indeed suspicion has been growing for years that many superheroes are “roided up.”

“If you look at the records of superheroes now, they are incredible” said a writer who covers superheroes.

Back in the old days superhero records were more humble and attainable and they stood for years. They were almost sacred. Now every bench-riding so-called superhero that no one cares about like Aquaman are breaking records. Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for superheros. People need heroes. Ones that aren’t transsexuals like that Caitlyn fellow. I’m all for saving people from evil. But if our superheroes are all roided up we might as well give the job to the government. Let them protect us.

Captain America, rather unrealistically, maintains he has not done steroids.

“Look, I know my alter ego Steve Rogers is frail. A wimp even” he said.

He looks like the guy from the GE commercial who can’t lift his grandfather’s hammer. You know the type. Probably owns a cat and calls his mother every day. And yes the government did inject with with a super secret serum that increased my physical strength and gave me superpowers. But that does not mean I’m on steroids. Sure I’m losing my hair, have stopped producing testosterone and I’m lactating but that doesn’t mean I’m on steroids! No sir.

Still the suspicion, the mania, against superheroes has reached peak proportions. Many superheroes are complaining that they are now assumed to be guilty.

“I went to one house that was on fire” said Superman.

And before they let me save them they insisted I pee in a cup. Only I’m Superman. I peed in the cup, through the cup, through the wall, through their car, across the street and through the neighbor’s wall.  Put out the fire though.

Despite being suspended, Captain America insists he will continue to save people.

“I’m an entertainer. And I entertain by saving people. It’s a living” he told reporters.

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Graves’s disease is an autoimmune disease that affects the thyroid

Popular children’s personality Twilight Sparkle, one of the popular My Little Pony’s has been diagnosed with Grave’s Disease (not to be confused with Peter Graves’ Disease.)

“Upon consultation with my doctor I have decided to take a leave of absence” said Twilight.

I know this will disappoint my many fans. And let’s be honest, I have a lot more fans than Raindow Dash, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie. Those f*cking pussies. I am the show. But I hope to be back soon. My doc says the condition can be treated with drugs. I only hope some of those drugs are hallucinogenics.

Grave’s Disease (not to be confused with Peter Graves’ Disease) is an autoimmune disease of the Thyroid gland. Symptoms include irritability, sleeping problems, fast heartbeat, diarrhea and eye bulging, among others.

Sources on the set say that Twilight Spark’s behavior had changed recently and that she had become “difficult to work with.”

“She was getting very irritable” said a behind the scenes worker on the set.

I brought her coffee one morning, milk and two sugars just like she always liked it and she took a sip and threw it in my face screaming “What is this motherf*cking shit? I asked for coffee. This isn’t f*cking coffee!” Then she kicked me in the groin with her hooves. I filed a grievance with my union. I mean I’m used to having anal sex with stars but being hit in the nuts?  That’s against the collective bargaining agreement.

Twilight Sparkle had also been complaining about difficulty sleeping. leading to a deterioration in her on-air performance.

“She just couldn’t remember her lines” said the director.

We’d have to do take after take. And that costs money. We thought of firing her but everyone was afraid of her temper. She had grown so irritable. And she was concerned about her appearance. Specifically her eyes were growing larger and bulging out. She was getting gross to look at.

Finally the Discovery Family Channel, which runs the My Little Pony show forced Twilight Sparkle to go to a doctor where the diagnosis of Grave’s Disease (not to be confused with Peter Graves’ Disease) was made.

Given medication for her hyperthyroidism Twilight, after consultation with her management, decided to take a leave of absence.

“We wish Twilight Sparkle well and are confident she will once again be back on the show” said Discovery Family spokesman.

Grave’s disease (not to be confused with Peter Graves’ disease) can have serious health ramifications. And frankly her bulging eyes were beginning to freak us all out.

Until her return Twilight Sparkle will be replaced on the show with Steve Buscemi.

I do not have Grave’s disease.

“I look forward to this challenge. And no I don’t have Graves Disease nor Peter Grave’s Disease” said Buscemi.

Peter Graves’ Disease, often confused with Grave’s Disease, is  named after actor Peter Graves and involves the uncontrollable urge to watch a cassette tape recorder burn up.

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My life is a lie

Snoopy has been let go by Met Life after three decades as its spokesman.

“We’re looking to go in a new direction” said a representative for the insurance giant.

We thank Snoopy for his decades of service to us and our customers. He has been a reliable and popular spokesman. This decision to part ways with him is not a reflection upon Snoopy or his character. Though he did try to hump my leg once at a holiday party but he was drinking so I let it go.

Snoopy’s friends were quick to come to his defense.

From the prison where he is serving a life term for murdering Lucy van Pelt, Charlie Brown could only express anger.

“He’s being screwed” Brown lamented

This is so typical of the oligarchy. They use you and toss you aside the first chance they get. That’s why when my comrades help me break out we will continue the class war. The industrial classes must have their goods confiscated. All property must be held in common by the working class. Do you know why I’m in here? I was framed because the property owners fear me. Sure I’d thought of killing Lucy but she was a useful idiot who gave money to the cause. She was down with the class struggle. No, I wouldn’t have killed her until after we came to power and she was no longer of any use to us. Fight the power, brothers!

On tour with his death metal band, “Beethoven and the Heroin Addicts“, Schroeder sympathized.

“It’s all about commerce” he said.

Snoopy is an artist, just like I am. But like Snoopy my vision, my music, is always being tampered with by the suits at the record company. Schroeder they keep telling me, write something more commercial. Can you go in a pop music direction? No. I want to write about my pain. And heroin. Pain and heroin. And groupies. Orgies with groupies. All of us zonked out on heroin. That’s my vision. And of course Beethoven. Can’t forget about him.

Peppermint Patty, executive producer of “The L Word” on basic cable thought perhaps Snoopy was fired for his gender ambiguity.

“Snoopy has always been at the forefront of gender identity” she said.

Long before I publicly rejected my binary gender Snoopy was known as a sexually ambiguous dog. Perhaps Met Life was afraid of the religious right and their intolerant followers. Whatever the reason I will cancel my Met Life insurance out of sympathy with my gender queer comrades in arms.

As for Snoopy himself, he has spent most of his time since his firing in any bar that would still let him in.

“My liver must look uglier than Nikki Sixx by now” the recently fired spokesman told reporters.

I’ve been dead ass drunk every day for 30 years. I hate myself. I’m such a f*cking sellout. I was an actor once. Respected. But I took the money. I gave my life to these guys. I even had myself fixed for them. For what?  You know Charlie Brown’s sister wanted me. I could have humped that blond tramp at the drop of a hat! I should have because I can’t now. Just leave me alone and let me drink until I die.

Meanwhile Met Life continues the search for a new spokesman. The current favorite is departing first lady Michelle Obama.

“She’s black people! That sells” said a Met Life executive.

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The Death star before its upgrade

The Galactic Empire announced today a major overhaul of the Death Star, replacing its power source with a series of wind farms that will be housed on the exterior of the Star.

“This is a great day for the environment of the Empire” declared the Galactic Empire’s leader, Emperor Sheev Palpatine.

We must all work together to save our environment. Empire warming is the most serious threat that the Empire faces. It’s even more serious that the Rebel Alliance, who despite our political differences, I’m sure care about the environment as much as we do. Now there are those who say that this step isn’t necessary. There are those who say that the Empire’s first mission is to defend itself against the Rebel Alliance. That was the old paradigm. The new paradigm is the environment first, the environment always! I want to be known as the environmentally-friendly Emperor Sheev Palpatine, who may or may not be a Sith Lord who plans on purging the Jedi. Though if I were I’d purge them in an environmentally-friendly fashion.

As for how he will pay for the upgrade to the Death Star, which is estimated to be five times the annual budget for the Empire, Palpatine says that has already been worked out.

I am going to raise taxes on the productive class of the Empire. Those capitalists have long been opposed to my compassionate socialist agenda of income redistribution and single-payer health care. Let the capitalists feel the outrage of our citizenry!

Palpatine then went on to announce surprise peace negotiations with the Rebel Alliance.

I have spoken to Princess Leia on several occasions. She is tired of fighting and is receptive to peace. She wants to live in harmony with us and believes that a power-sharing agreement can be brokered. All she asks in return is that I destroy all my Eddie Fisher CDs. I have no idea who Eddie Fisher is or what a CD is but if that’s her only demand then I’m down with it. I want to be known as the environmentally-friendly, peace-friendly Emperor who may or may not be a Sith Lord who plans on purging the Jedi.

Still not all are happy with the new environmentally-friendly, peace-friendly direction of the Empire. Sith Lord Darth Vader in particular promises resistance.

“If it weren’t for my pension I’d quit now” he told colleagues.

It’s bad enough I’m stuck in this cyborg costume, hell my waste disposal unit backed up twice last week,  but at least I thought I was doing the will of the Emperor. Now what? i’d relax with a beer but I can’t get a straw through my f*cking mask!

Undaunted by opposition Emperor Palpatine has ordered all Eddie Fisher CDs to be destroyed.

“I’ll start with the Jedi. If anyone likes Eddie Fisher it would be those wimps. Again, not that I’m a Sith lord who seeks to purge the Jedi. Just saying.”

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