Captain America Tests Positive for Anabolic Steroids!

Okay so I cheated. By by cheating I saved lives!

Okay so I cheated. By by cheating I saved lives!

Captain America, hero to millions, has tested positive for anabolic steroid use and has been suspended by the supervisory body for superheroes, AADCSHSTA (the American Association of Disguised and/or Caped Superheros and/or Street Cleaners of America).

“Americans need to know the process is not rigged” said the AADCSHSTA’s president.

We favor free and open superheroes. Natural superheroes. When a family is trapped in a burning car and a superhero picks up the car with his hands and puts out the fire by sucking the flames into his lungs they need to know that it was done by a true superhero, not just an NFL player disguising his identity so he doesn’t get in trouble with the NFL’s licensing board. Or a crack head. Though sometimes they are the same.

Captain America becomes the first superhero suspended under the AADCSHSTA’s collective bargaining agreement. Though many suspect more suspensions will follow.  Indeed suspicion has been growing for years that many superheroes are “roided up.”

“If you look at the records of superheroes now, they are incredible” said a writer who covers superheroes.

Back in the old days superhero records were more humble and attainable and they stood for years. They were almost sacred. Now every bench-riding so-called superhero that no one cares about like Aquaman are breaking records. Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for superheros. People need heroes. Ones that aren’t transsexuals like that Caitlyn fellow. I’m all for saving people from evil. But if our superheroes are all roided up we might as well give the job to the government. Let them protect us.

Captain America, rather unrealistically, maintains he has not done steroids.

“Look, I know my alter ego Steve Rogers is frail. A wimp even” he said.

He looks like the guy from the GE commercial who can’t lift his grandfather’s hammer. You know the type. Probably owns a cat and calls his mother every day. And yes the government did inject with with a super secret serum that increased my physical strength and gave me superpowers. But that does not mean I’m on steroids. Sure I’m losing my hair, have stopped producing testosterone and I’m lactating but that doesn’t mean I’m on steroids! No sir.

Still the suspicion, the mania, against superheroes has reached peak proportions. Many superheroes are complaining that they are now assumed to be guilty.

“I went to one house that was on fire” said Superman.

And before they let me save them they insisted I pee in a cup. Only I’m Superman. I peed in the cup, through the cup, through the wall, through their car, across the street and through the neighbor’s wall.  Put out the fire though.

Despite being suspended, Captain America insists he will continue to save people.

“I’m an entertainer. And I entertain by saving people. It’s a living” he told reporters.


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