A photo of the offensive duo and their offensive costumes

Hillary Duff, aka “History’s Greatest Monster” is catching heat for her racially insensitive Halloween costume. Duff, heretofore an uncontroversial star, and her boyfriend decided to go as a pilgrim and a native American.

“I should have known I was in trouble when people started crying when they looked at us” said the distraught former child star.

I am truly, truly sorry for offending anyone. My costume was not properly thought through and I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart. I just wanted to dress up and have fun. It was Halloween. I used to dress up all the time as a kid. I just wanted to have some fun.  I now realize that I am racist and insensitive and I beg forgiveness from my fans, from my sponsors, from my agent, from everyone in Hollywood, from the native American community, from the non-native American community. I, as a white person living my white privilege lifestyle, now know better and will be more racially sensitive in the future.

Reaction to Miss Duff’s affront to common decency was instantaneous. Attorney General Loretta Lynch announced that she will open an investigation into Duff’s hate crime.

“Law is sacred to my people” said Lynch.

And as such I will use the laws of this nation to bring Duff to justice. Surely this action of hers, dressing up as a pilgrim and her boyfriend as a native American, must be illegal. I’m sure it is. I mean I don’t bother with the law, I’m just the Attorney General. But I will use the law to prosecute and ruin this monster. Impartially of course. In the best tradition of America.

From his jail cell convicted murderer Charles Manson called the costumes “inappropriate.”

Do these people have no shame? Are they trying to incite a race war like the Beatles did with Helter Skelter? I threw up when I saw the costumes. It’s shit like this that makes me want to stab a pregnant woman 50 times. A pregnant woman who isn’t appropriating someone else’s culture.

In Iraq outside the battleground city of Mosul ISIS commanders announced a “Day of Outrage.”

“This cultural appropriation of Hillary Duff is the most offensive thing I have every seen” said an ISIS commander.

This is even more offensive than women with their genitalia intact. This is more offensive than a Christian who hasn’t been placed inside an oven and burned to death. I am so outraged by this I will forgo the charms of my 14-year old slave boy and have sex with a goat instead.

President by acclamation Hillary Clinton promised that her first act as our nation’s chief executive will be to have Miss Duff and her boyfriend arrested.

Does this 20th century behavior have a place in the 21st century? Not under my watch! No cultural appropriation today!  No cultural appropriation tomorrow! No cultural appropriation forever!

The 46th president then finished her remarks by collapsing and passing out.

“She was dehydrated. That’s all” said her press secretary Miley Cyrus.

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