Arribe! Arribe! Andale! Andale!

Noted Mexican nationalist Speedy Gonzales today announced his opposition to President Trump’s plans to build a border wall between the United States and Mexico.

“Zee wall ees racist” said Speedy.

Speedy ees a citizen of zee world. Speedy no believe in borders. Speedy like to roam around zee Mexico – Texas border looking for zee seely pussy cats. Zee seely pussy cats no believe in border either.  Zee silly pussy cat chase me around but he no getta me. Speedy too fast for zee pussy cat, si.

With Ricardo Montalban dead and Salma Hayak married to a white man, Speedy Gonzalez remains the most famous Mexican in north America. Naturally his opinions on the border wall carry much weight.

“We look to Speedy as a, no strike that, as THE representative of the Mexican people” said MSNBC president Phil Griffin (pictured here).

MSNBC president Phil Griffin

Every time I speak to Speedy I find myself being enlightened. His wisdom of color makes me a better person. Truly I am ashamed to be an American. We could all learn from the wisdom of color that lies below our southern border.

Appearing on Andrea Mitchell Reports, Speedy cemented his reputation for wisdom and plain speaking.

Andrea Mitchell: Speedy on behalf of Americans I apologize for Donald Trump.

Speedy Gonzales: He eeeez zee bad man.  More bad than zee seely pussy cat

Andrea Mitchell: I would have voted for zee seely pussy cat over Donald Trump.

Speedy Gonzales: Zee bad man make me sad for America. He is seely like zee seely pussy cat.

Andrea Mitchell: Why can’t we have your dignified wisdom in America?

Speedy Gonzales: Eet is mee especial Latino wisdom.

Andrea Mitchell: As a white person I lack that, sadly.

House minority leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), pictured here,

House minority leader Nancy Pelosi

has announced that she has extended an invitation to Speedy to address a joint session of Congress.

“In these dark times when we have an illegitimate President, Speedy will be a ray of sunshine” said Pelosi.

Many people in the United States who don’t live by the border oppose a border wall. But as of yet we don’t have a champion who can articulate why the wall is bad.  Zee wall eees seely, as Speedy might say. I hope our friends on the other side of the aisle will be, despite their hatred of brown people, properly respectful during Speedy’s address.

President Trump remains unmoved by the straight-shooting wisdom of Speedy Gonzales and vows to step up border enforcement for those entering the United States illegally.

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Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

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On the run from border patrol and fearing arrest and deportation, Speedy Gonzales has sought refuge in the sanctuary city of San Francisco.

“Ees mucho frio een San Francisco” said the now-safe Speedy.

“Me no like frio y San Francisco eet feeled with homosexuals. Speedy no like homosexuals.”

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I am ugly. So f*cking ugly.

The so-called “Phantom of the Opera” admitted today that life as the famous phantom isn’t all people assume it’s cracked up to be.

“Let’s just say it’s been one long downward spiral for me” said the Phantom.

I used to be a violinist at the Paris Opera House. The money was good, the music was good and talk about the women! I was getting so much action. But then I started to lose the use of my fingers and got laid off. I had no savings so I write a concerto to get some cash. But the concerto was stolen. Long story short my face was horribly disfigured by acid and I moved to the sewers to escape the police. Did you ever try picking up women when you tell them your place is in the sewers? They react like I told them I live in Washington Heights in upper Manhattan. And that is even before they ask me about the mask.

Despite not being able to play violin anymore, not having a job or any money, not living in a nice apartment above ground and with a horribly disfigured face, the Phantom at first tried to lead a normal life.

I needed a job so I started putting my resume out. But when I went on the interviews and they saw my face I was immediately rejected. I had one HR girl cry and tell me that she would have to retreat to her safe space. It turns out that with my ugly, heavily burned and disfigured face the only position I could get was as a Help Desk Technician. Turns out most of them are pretty ugly so I fit right in. But I quit because I didn’t like the clients.

It was after quitting his job at the help desk that the Phantom started getting work at Comic Cons.

Turns out my horribly disfigured face was a match for Christoper Pike from Star Trek.

Hey baby you want to roll in the hay?

So I did the Comic Con circuit for awhile. When I sat in the chair I really got into character and became Pike. When I told the organizers I didn’t need makeup because my horribly disfigured face was real they would just say “Wow. This guy is so into it.” They also seemed happy that they didn’t have to pay for makeup. It was a job. Still no women though. And I didn’t really like the nerds who attended those conventions. That’s why I stopped going to the Comic Cons.

After leaving the Comic Cons the Phantom started to feel sorry for himself. It was at his lowest point that things began to pick up.

I saw an ad in the paper that specifically asked for “horribly ugly or disfigured people.” Well I certainly qualify. I had no idea what it was for but I figured I’d give it a shot so I showed up for an interview. It turns out it’s to play the role of Neil Young in a Neil Young and Crazy Horse tribute band. I got the job! Who knew having such an ugly, horribly disfigured face would come in handy.

The Phantom can now be seen touring America with the tribute band.

“Women would not sleep with me before once they say my ugly, horribly disfigured face. But being ugly, horribly disfigured and playing Neil Young? I tell you it’s instant pussy!”

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Look at this man! A lawyer should respect the law not violate it!

Rape-denying lawyer Atticus Finch, already unpopular in the town of Maycomb for defending Tom Robinson on charges of raping Mayella Ewell, today in open daylight violated the State’s SAFE laws, laws that guarantee the safety of citizens from gun violence.

“I saw him do it” said a neighbor of Atticus in Maycomb.

He took his gun out in the street and shot a dog. How dare he?  His rifle should be kept locked up in his house. Guns are dangerous. But no he takes his gun into the street, stands in the middle of the street, and fires it. I barely had time to get my children back inside the house. I tell you I was so frightened. Now I know how my grandfather felt when Sherman marched through town!

Mayella Ewell, whose rape claim was denied by Finch, thereby violating a time-honored truth that all claims of rape must be believed, was not surprised by his actions.

“I got something to say” she told reporters.

And then I ain’t gonna say no more. Atticus Finch violated my safe space. He took advantage of me just as much as Tom Robinson did. An’ if you fine, fancy gentlemen ain’t gonna do nothing about it, then you’re just a bunch of lousy, yella, stinkin’ cowards, the – the whole bunch of ya, and your fancy airs don’t come to nothin’. Your Ma’am’in’ and your Mayellarin’ – it don’t come to nothin’.

Maycomb’s newspaper, which called Mayella Ewell “an example of southern modesty and propriety” has called for Finch’s law license to be revoked.

Atticus Finch represents a new breed of lawyer. A dangerous breed. He represents the Alt-Right. He represents a dangerous, outmoded patriarchy that we all thought was gone forever. His patriarchal leanings cast aspersions upon Mayella Ewell’s right to have her rape accusation believed. If that wasn’t bad enough he owns a rifle. An assault rifle. And today, in broad daylight, he took his assault rifle out into the street. We have witnesses of this. We have pictures of the offense.

Rape-denying lawyer Atticus Finch using his assault rifle!

Surely Mr. Finch has gone beyond the pale of acceptable behavior. His kind, the binary, heterosexual, patriarchal types, must be shunned. Today he is shooting dogs in the street. Tomorrow he may be using his assault rifle in a mass shooting event. We call upon the State to revoke his law license. Perhaps then he will have the humility and self-awareness to modify his beliefs.

Finch denies any intent to violate safe spaces and says he was only acting in the best interests of Maycomb.

There was a rabid dog in the street. It was a danger to everyone. So I took action and shot it. Would you have me wait until town officials showed up and took care of the situation? By then that dog could have bitten someone.

The SPCA has announced that it will be suing Finch for animal cruelty.

“Sadly we expect this behavior from those alt-right types” said a spokesperson for the SPCA.

There is no word on whether the State will revoke Finch’s law license, though since he has become a pariah it is doubtful whether he would be able to find clients anyway.

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RUSSIA!!!! ARE YOU RUSSIAN?????

With the possibility that Russia may have helped elect Donald Trump in the news I sat down with ranking Democratic member of the House Intelligence Committee, the honorable Adam Schiff (D-CA).

MI: Good afternoon representative Schiff.

AS: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI: Now let’s talk about what everyone wants to know. Did the Russians get Donald Trump elected?

AS: Definitely.  How else could he have won?  The Russians wanted Trump elected.

MI: Why?

AS: Because Trump is a strongman and Putin likes strongmen.

MI: I see. But wouldn’t it make more sense for Putin to favor Clinton since she was an internationalist who would go along with the established order? As opposed to Trump who vowed to put America first?

[Pause]

AS: What sort of question is that?  Are you one of those fake news people?

MI: It’s a legitimate question.

AS: I don’t think it is. I think you are trying to distract the American people from the fact that Putin stole this election.

MI: How?   

AS: He had Russian operatives hack into voting machines and change votes to Trump.

MI:  But the voting machines aren’t on a network or connected to the internet. How did the Russians accomplish this?

[Pause]

AS: There you go again. Trying to distract the American people!

MI: No. I just want the facts. Hey, do you mind if I eat?  I haven’t eaten all day.

AS: Go ahead.

MI: Thanks. You know there is nothing quite like a salad.

AS: What is that you are putting on your salad?

MI: Russian dressing.

AS: Russian?  Russian? Russian dressing? Russian dressing? You’re working for Putin aren’t you? Don’t deny it. Oh you think you’re so clever. But I’m on to you.

MI: It’s Russian dressing. That’s all it is.

AS: Manhattan Infidel?  Manhattan? Manhattan as in one of the five boroughs of New York City?

MI: Yes, that’s correct.

AS: Do you know what else they have in New York City? 

MI: No. What?

AS: The Russian Tea Room! The goddamn Russian Tea Room! The motherf*cking Russian Tea Room. It all ties together. All the pieces. You are a Russian spy!

MI: Um. No I’m not.

AS: Donald Trump lives in New York City. Or should I say Moscow on the Hudson? I bet you and Trump often meet at the Russian Tea Room!

MI: I’ve never met the man.

AS: You lying sack of shit. You’re a Russian agent trying to subvert our Democratic majority.

MI: Well that’s about all the time we have.

AS: Oh, going back to the Russian Tea Room?  Perhaps to have caviar with Donald Trump where you can talk in your native Russian language?

MI: Right. Bye.

AS: Come back Manhattan Infidel! I’m on to you!  I’m on to you!

Let me reassure my readers. I am not a Russian agent. However I do work for the Chinese. The pay was better and I like Asian women.

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