Rape-denying lawyer Atticus Finch, already unpopular in the town of Maycomb for defending Tom Robinson on charges of raping Mayella Ewell, today in open daylight violated the State’s SAFE laws, laws that guarantee the safety of citizens from gun violence.
“I saw him do it” said a neighbor of Atticus in Maycomb.
He took his gun out in the street and shot a dog. How dare he? His rifle should be kept locked up in his house. Guns are dangerous. But no he takes his gun into the street, stands in the middle of the street, and fires it. I barely had time to get my children back inside the house. I tell you I was so frightened. Now I know how my grandfather felt when Sherman marched through town!
Mayella Ewell, whose rape claim was denied by Finch, thereby violating a time-honored truth that all claims of rape must be believed, was not surprised by his actions.
“I got something to say” she told reporters.
And then I ain’t gonna say no more. Atticus Finch violated my safe space. He took advantage of me just as much as Tom Robinson did. An’ if you fine, fancy gentlemen ain’t gonna do nothing about it, then you’re just a bunch of lousy, yella, stinkin’ cowards, the – the whole bunch of ya, and your fancy airs don’t come to nothin’. Your Ma’am’in’ and your Mayellarin’ – it don’t come to nothin’.
Maycomb’s newspaper, which called Mayella Ewell “an example of southern modesty and propriety” has called for Finch’s law license to be revoked.
Atticus Finch represents a new breed of lawyer. A dangerous breed. He represents the Alt-Right. He represents a dangerous, outmoded patriarchy that we all thought was gone forever. His patriarchal leanings cast aspersions upon Mayella Ewell’s right to have her rape accusation believed. If that wasn’t bad enough he owns a rifle. An assault rifle. And today, in broad daylight, he took his assault rifle out into the street. We have witnesses of this. We have pictures of the offense.
Surely Mr. Finch has gone beyond the pale of acceptable behavior. His kind, the binary, heterosexual, patriarchal types, must be shunned. Today he is shooting dogs in the street. Tomorrow he may be using his assault rifle in a mass shooting event. We call upon the State to revoke his law license. Perhaps then he will have the humility and self-awareness to modify his beliefs.
Finch denies any intent to violate safe spaces and says he was only acting in the best interests of Maycomb.
There was a rabid dog in the street. It was a danger to everyone. So I took action and shot it. Would you have me wait until town officials showed up and took care of the situation? By then that dog could have bitten someone.
The SPCA has announced that it will be suing Finch for animal cruelty.
“Sadly we expect this behavior from those alt-right types” said a spokesperson for the SPCA.
There is no word on whether the State will revoke Finch’s law license, though since he has become a pariah it is doubtful whether he would be able to find clients anyway.