This teabagger was shot by a concerned citizen

Yesterday morning while at practicing for the annual congressional baseball game a gunman opened fire and critically injured House Majority Whip Steve Scalise (R-LA).

Since the shooting we here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ have been busy working the phones trying to get the complete and official narrative.

Q:  Were these men targeted because they were Republicans?

That is just speculation. The gunman, whose motives may never be known, was seen at the field before the shooting asking if the people playing were Republicans. But that doesn’t mean he targeted Republicans.

Q:  Wait, he was asking the political affiliation of the people playing baseball. That seems like a clear motive.

No. His motives may never be known.

Q:  But –

Never. Be. Known.

Q:  Okay moving along, what do we know about the shooter?

The shooter is this man, 

Another Hollywood actor gone bad

whom we believe to be veteran Hollywood actor John Goodman.

Q:  Wow. Why would veteran Hollywood actor John Goodman shoot Republicans?

His motive may never be known. But as a Hollywood actor he no doubt is mentally ill.

Q:  So the shooter was mentally ill.

Yes. That’s why we must not blame all Democrats for the actions of one mentally ill man.

Q:  But when Gabby Giffords was shot by a mentally ill man didn’t the Democrats rush to blame all Republicans?  Didn’t they blame the teabaggers?

That was totally different.

Q: How so?

Teabaggers are worse than Nazis. They all deserve to rounded up and shot.

Q:  What?  But isn’t that an example of the inflamed rhetoric that leads to shootings like this?

Yes. We must all watch our rhetoric.  Except when it’s directed towards people we consider inferior like white, Christian Republicans.

Q:  But shouldn’t this be a time to come together?

F*ck you. What are you?  A tea bagger?  I would shoot you right now if I hadn’t already confiscated all the guns in my district.

Q:  So this shooting was all about guns and how we need to implement tougher gun control laws?

Yes. As Virginia governor Terry McAuliffe said, 93 million Americans every day die at the hand of guns.

Q:  Um, I don’t think that’s a correct statistic.

Are you questioning your Democratic masters?

Q: You’re not my master.

Silence serf!  An inferior people should know when to be quiet.

Q:  What can we do  as Americans to ensure that tragic shootings like this never happen again?

Turn in your guns. Be respectful of Democrats. They want to rule benevolently over you. And of course watch your rhetoric.

Q: One last question. What is the condition of Representative Steve Scalise?

Who gives a f*ck that stupid damn Republican teabagger. F*cking asshole deserves to be shot.

That is the narrative on the ground. If the narrative changes I will of course bring it to you, my readers, courtesy of the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™, the most trusted name in news.

(74)

Lordy lordy I wish i were stronger

There is no dribbling or leakage for me. I take Super Beta Prostate.  What? I mean yesterday I leaked some official DNC memos. Today I leak all the notes James Comey has taken. How did I find myself in possession of these memos?  I can’t discuss that in a public forum.

Leaked Memo Number One (Comey meets with President Trump)

Today I met with President Trump. I don’t like him. He’s mean.  As I sit here at home sipping a Chardonnay by the fire (unusual as I don’t have a fireplace) I am writing down what transpired as I remember it:

President Trump: Good afternoon James. How are things at the FBI?

Me: Are you asking me to curtail my investigation into Russian hacking in our election?

President Trump:  No James. I am not asking that. Have a seat.

Me: I don’t want to be alone with  you.

President Trump:  Oh grow a pair James.

Trump was clearly using code words. Things.  Seat.  Pair.Things equals Russian hacking investigation.  Seat means, obviously that he wanted me to sit down so he could tower over me and use his white male gaze to disempower me. Pair?  Pair are the two concurrent investigations.  The one on Michael Flynn and the one on the Russian hacking. If only I had been stronger I would have refused to meet with him. But I can’t discuss that in an open setting. Or my notes.

Leaked Memo Number Two (Comey Meets with Loretta Lynch)

I met with Loretta Lynch today (who is my boss). I like here. She has a warm, motherly quality to her. Anyway as I sit here smoking a blunt I write down these notes to refresh my memory.

Lynch:  Why the hell did you re-open the Clinton email investigation?

Me: There is evidence of wrongdoing.

Lynch: So?  What the hell is wrong with you.

Me: [I started crying at this point] Stop being mean to me.

Lynch:  I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry. Just do me a favor and call it a “matter” not an investigation.

Me: So you still like me?

Lynch: Of course I do.

Me: Can you feed me?

Lynch: Sure. [Opens her blouse] Drink. Drink deeply from the breast milk of human kindness.

She’s nice. Perhaps If I had been stronger I would not need constant feedings. But I can’t discuss this in a public forum.

Leaked Memo Number Three (Comey Gets Pizza Delivered)

If only I could find my coke spoon!  I wouldn’t have to finish up this meth. I like meth but it really makes me hungry and horny. I just ordered pizza. Maybe I’ll answer the door naked?

[Doorbell rings]

Oh boy, here’s the pizza.  Down with my pants.

Well that was unexpected. I answered the door naked and the delivery boy dropped the pizza and kicked me in my groin. Perhaps if i were stronger I wouldn’t need meth. But I can’t discuss this in a public setting. 

I don’t like that pizza delivery boy. He was mean to me!

These are very shocking memos. It’s no wonder Washington hates leaks. Unless they are leaked by insiders to damage the opposition. But I can’t discuss that in a public setting.

(60)

We got fresh ideas!

Lately leaks have been all the rage. Wikileaks, James Comey, Reality Winner.  So yours truly has decided to get into the leakage game.  Er, the leaking game.  I had a problem with leakage once.  Prostate you know.

And so I now present The Super Top Secret Security Clearance Only Democratic National Committee Manifesto (Manifesto not valid where prohibited by law)

I. Democrats and Republicans

The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class, race and identity struggles.

Democrat and slave, patrician Democrat and plebeian Republican, lord Democrat and serf Republican, manager and worker, in a word, oppressor and oppressed, stood in constant opposition to one another, carried on an uninterrupted, now hidden, now open fight, a fight that each time ended, either in a revolutionary and compassionate redistribution of income, or in the selfish Republicans gaining power (and at a certain point you have to admit you’ve made enough money.)

The Republicans wherever they have got the upper hand, have put an end to all idyllic redistribution of income. It has pitilessly torn asunder the motley  ties that bind the common man to his natural superiors in the Democratic party, and has left remaining no other nexus between men than naked self interest, than callous “cash payment”.  And at a certain point you have to admit you’ve made enough money.

The Republicans have stripped of its halo every occupation hitherto honored and looked up to with reverent awe (like being a Democratic politician). The Republicans have torn away from the family its sentimental veil, and have reduced the family relation to a binary male-female (whereas science has proven that there are 32 genders).

The Republicans, by the rapid improvement of all instruments of production, by the immensely facilitated means of communication, draws all, even the Irish, nations into their web of global trade and cultural appropriation.

The Republicans compel all nations to adopt their mode of living; it compels them to introduce what it calls American Exceptionalism into their midst, i.e., to become American themselves. In one word, it creates a world after its own image. (And there is nothing special about America.)

The lower strata of the middle class – the small tradespeople, shopkeepers, and retired tradesmen generally, the craftsmen and contractors – all these sink gradually into the Republican Party, partly because their diminutive capital does not suffice to let them become respectable and spend 50,000 dollars a year at Harvard or Yale as a gender studies major.  Filthy, filthy, dirty laborers!  The compassionate economic programs of the Democratic party seeks to eliminate manual labor so men can improve their minds and acquire hobbies, such as stamp collecting.

The lower middle class, the small manufacturer, the shopkeeper, the artisan, the contractor, all these fight against the Democratic Party, to save themselves from extinction as members of the middle class. They are therefore not revolutionary, but conservative and the Democratic Party can rightly shun them.

What the Republican Party therefore produces, above all, are its own grave-diggers. Its fall and the victory of the Democratic Party are equally inevitable.

[To be continued]

Wow. That’s an explosive document. I can’t believe how easy it was to download and leak it. It’s almost like the Democrats think we are stupid.

(77)

We need immigrants!

Responding to the first sack of Rome in over 600 years, the Emperor Honorius has ordered the Colosseum to be bathed in lights from “a diverse set of colored torches to symbolize the diversity and tolerance that made Rome great.”

“Rome is the greatest and most advanced civilization ever” said the Emperor.

This sack by a small group of radicalized Visigoths is not a reflection of the Visigoth people. Visigoths are the tribe of peace. I know many on the alt-Latin right have called for us to close our borders and restrict immigration. We must reject these voices of intolerance. There are those who blame the Visigoths and call them inferior. They say that sacking is part and parcel of Visigothic culture. I reject this notion. There are those who say the Visigoths must adapt to our culture and adopt Roman law and custom. Again we must reject those who call for this cultural appropriation. Visigoth culture is beautiful. I have several Visigoth slaves and I learn every day just from being around them. We Romans must open our hearts and welcome the Visigoths. Immigration is what made Rome great. Well that and togas.

Beginning tomorrow and for the next week the Colosseum will be bathed in a magnificent spectacle of light from thousands of torches. The emperor has also ordered signs reading “Amor Vincit Odi” placed around the city as a reminder to Romans not to retaliate against the Visigoth population.

Still not all are happy with the official proclamations of the Emperor. A small but growing number of Romans were shocked and alarmed by the sack, particularly the rapes.

Some of Honorius’ generals have asked permission to head north into Visigoth territory and punish the tribes.

The emperor however has publicly rejected that idea.

We Romans must go about our normal lives. That is how we win. By doing this we show the Visigoths that, while our city may be sacked, bodies may be piling up in the street and our virgins defiled in ways even I haven’t thought of. we are a virtuous and forgiving people.

He has also ordered the resumption of pagan festivals in the city to appease the ancient Roman gods.

We have forgotten what made Rome great: the protection the gods gave to this city. We have angered them by inviting in the Christian god. It is no coincidence that the basilicas of Peter and Paul remained untouched by the Visigoths while the tombs of our emperors were opened and their ashes scattered. Christians are an intolerant people and do not share our values.

Finally as a sign of how seriously the emperor takes the Empire’s commitment to diversity any Roman who is caught making disparaging comments about the Visigoths, either orally or in writing, will be fined and their business taken away from them.

“Be careful what you say” said Honorius.

“You may not think you are being offensive but a Visigoth may take offense at your words and begin to believe that Romans are not a generous and inviting people. Romae terminus stat pro Patefacio!”

(187)

Death to the crusader, whenever possible that is.

While its long-term goal is to kill all crusaders, ISIS leaders realize that this might be impossible in the short run. (For no other reason they might run out of suicide bombers.)

The new pamphlet, officially designated “Directive 17.B” states that all ISIS fighters must find some way to “damage the crusaders, infidels and  Jews, either violently or emotionally.”

As a service to my readers I have translated and now reprint the directive in full. Fortunately I am fluent in Esperanto, which I believe is the language of ISIS.

Soldiers of the prophet:

As many of you know our suicide bomber program has run into difficulties. While it has been widely successful even with the promise of virgins suicide bombers are getting sparse to find. We even tried women but as they are not allowed to drive cars they are useless. Next we tried little boys but they can be put to better use as our sex slaves. We then tried suicide goats but stopped that (see our reason for not using little boys.)

It is for this reason that we have given our fighters temporary permission to do the following:

1. Hit them with your car
2. Poison them
3. Stab them
4. Punch them
5. Spit on them

Start out with these easy five things, brothers.  Remember, if you cannot kill the crusaders, infidels or Jews then you must hurt them. A car (assuming it’s not a Prius) will crush limbs. Poisoning and stabbing will render serious, hopefully fatal harm. And punching and spitting, while not fatal, damages the self-esteem of the crusaders, infidels and Jews and makes them feel bad about themselves.

However do not stop at these five suggestions. We encourage our fighters to think outside the box. One of our fighters, who works as a plumber, likes to reverse the cold and hot water taps in the homes of crusaders. Let the infidel scream as he steps into his shower and is greeted with cold water! It is the prophet’s will!

We appreciate that not many of our fighters have the skill to be plumbers. But there are other ways to inconvenience the crusaders. If you are working in a pizza shop and the crusader asks for gluten-free pizza, give him gluten pizza. If you are working in a coffee shop and the infidel asks for cream and sugar, give him a black coffee. Ha! This will make him suffer. It is the prophet’s will.

If you are working as a male prostitute tell the infidel that you will not ejaculate in his mouth and then do just that.

You get the idea. If we can’t kill then disrupt their soft, decadent lives.

And take their goats!

You know come to think of it, the last time I had pizza I did get very gassy and bloated.  I bet the bastard gave me a non-gluten free slice! Is there no limit to ISIS’s depravity?

(157)

Warren Wilhelm Jr. terrorist enabler

Today I have the privilege to interview the current occupant of Gracie Mansion, his honor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (who goes by his stage name of Bill de Blasio).

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Mayor.

BDB: Good afternoon you cisgender white male.

MI: Um, yeah. Anyway let’s start off with an obvious question about the election season. You will probably get re-elected in a landslide. Your current approval rating stands at 60 percent. Why? What have you done to deserve a second term in office?

BDB:  I’ve lowered crime.

MI: No you haven’t.

BDB: Well then I’ve made improvements to the city’s infrastructure so that the subways run on time.

MI: No they don’t.

BDB: I’m a Democrat.

MI:  I think that may be the reason.

BDB: Yes. We Democrats have a natural right to rule over our subjects. We are smarter and more moral than Republicans.

MI: Rule?

BDB: Benevolently, of course, For the good of my subjects.

MI: Right. I want to talk about the Puerto Rican Day parade.

BDB: Ah yes. There are many Puerto Ricans in New York.  Good people. Being surrounded by so many Hispanics makes me hearken back to my youth in Nicaragua. Of course we didn’t let Puerto Ricans into Nicaragua but that was only because they were beneath the Nicaraguans.

MI: This year the Grand Marshall of the Puerto Rican parade is Lopez Rivera, a Puerto Rican nationalist who was a member of the FALN and is responsible for over 120 bombings including bombings at Fraunces Tavern and One Police Plaza that killed four and maimed dozens.

BDB: Democrats are a forgiving people. I march proudly with Lopez Rivera because it will raise awareness of issues.

MI: Which issues?

BDB: Well I can’t think of any offhand but it will raise awareness of issues that need to be talked about.

MI: Yes but which issues?

BDB: [Pause] Did I mention I have a black wife?

MI: No.

BDB: And I’m very tall.

MI: Yes. I know.

[There is a flash of light and an explosion.  Mayor de Blasio goes flying into the air]

BDB: What the hell happened?

MI: I think a bomb went off. Kind of ironic, don’t you think?

BDB: Oh my god my legs. My long, long legs that made me very tall. They’ve been blown off!

MI: That’s a shame.

BDB: Without my long, long legs that made me very tall I’ll be as short as Michael Bloomberg.

[de Blasio notices former Mayor Bloomberg who has also been injured in the explosion]

BDB: Michael?

MB: My legs! My short, short legs that made me very short. They’ve been blown off. Without my short, short legs that made me very short I’ll be as short as Abe Beame. 

BDB: Who would bomb me?

MI: I have just received a note from Lopez Rivera. He says that he set this bomb off to raise awareness of issues.

BDB: Which issues?

MI: [Pause] I don’ t know. Well, I guess our interview is over.

BDB: Hey if you see my long, long legs that made me very tall could you just put a note on them telling people to return them to me?

MB: And if you see my short, short legs that made me very short could you do the same?

MI: Sorry, Bloomberg but I don’t have a microscope.

BDB: Oh man, now I have to go to the bathroom. Can someone pick me up and carry me to the nearest bathroom?  I’ve been having sudden urges to go lately.

MI: Perhaps you have an enlarged prostate?

BDB: Not any more. There it is over there. I guess it was blown off as well.

MI: That’s a shame.

And so ended my interview with the formerly tall Warren Wilhelm Jr. (who goes by the stage name of Bill de Blasio),

(154)

Nothing to see here people. Move along.

Once again London has fallen victim to a terror attack. Once again the world offers up “thoughts and prayers.”  Once again world leaders vow to “Get tough on terror. And we mean it this time. We really do. But how can we get tough on terror and not conflict with our ‘open borders’ theology?”

Being a member of the MSM when a terror attack happens people often come to me to get the narrative.

While I must stress that the narrative on the ground is still evolving and may change at the drop of a hat (see James Comey) here is the preliminary narrative as we know it at the moment:

Q: What were the attackers’ motives?

A: It’s a mystery. We may never know. Perhaps they were angered by Brexit.

Q:  That makes sense. The European Union is the greatest force for individual freedom in the world today. How could the English be so stupid as to leave?

A:  I too was shocked by the sheer stupidity of the English.  But you know these white men of northern European origin. They are irrational, hate-filled racists and cannot think clearly.

Q: I hear the attackers are Muslim

A: THAT’S A RACIST STATEMENT YOU RACIST RACOSITER! I will make sure you are fired, boycotted and shunned.

Q: Okay so what was the attackers’ religious affiliation?

A: Probably Church of England. But if the Muslim attackers were from Scotland then Presbyterian. (You know how they are!)

Q; Wait, I though the attackers weren’t Muslim?

A; Are you trying to confuse me with your trick questions? I expect as much from an alt right nationalist such as you.

Q: Is it okay to offer up my thoughts and prayers for the victims of next month’s terror attack in London?

A: By all means. And while your at it change your Facebook profile photo to the Union Jack.

Q:  Is it possible Donald Trump was behind the terror attack?

A: That is a distinct probability. While we have as of yet no evidence to fit that narrative we are working feverishly behind the scenes to establish a motive and impeach Trump.

Q:  Why would Trump want to kill innocent civilians in London?

A:  He’s Donald Trump. He’s literally Hitler! Look it up!

Q:  Would this attack still have happened if Hillary were president?

A:  Sadly because of the misogyny of Americans we shall never know. Unless Chelsea runs in 2020. She will get elected.

Q: Thank you Manhattan Infidel. We depend on your to give us the narrative.

A: You’re welcome. As a member of the MSM it is my duty. And remember, open borders is the only way to stop terrorism.

(66)

Why did this happen and what was the bomber’s motivation?

In the week since the deadly man-caused incident at an Ariana Grande concert in Manchester, England your humble correspondent has been burning the phones attempting to find answers to why it happened and what was the motivation of the alleged bomber Salman Abedi. I now present the facts that I have come up with so far.

And remember, Manhattan Infidel is the most trusted name in news.

Was this a terrorist attack?

No one knows for sure. Muslims often carry bombs and/or pressure cookers in their backpacks to defend themselves against the Crusaders. Perhaps his backpack exploded prematurely because a Christian was talking on his cell phone. Oh these Crusaders are a sneaky lot!

What have the police in Manchester told you about the man-caused incident?

I spoke with Manchester’s Chief Constable Ian Hopkins many times during the past week and he assures me that there are absolutely no Muslim rape gangs active in Manchester. He also lamented the rise in hate crimes against the Religion of Peace™ since the man-caused event.

A rise in hate crimes against Muslims? This is very disturbing! What has caused this spike?

You know how intolerant the white man is.

Indeed. They are a hate-filled people clinging to guns and religion. But what else could have caused the incident?

Donald Trump

I thought so. Why would Donald Trump do this?

To distract attention from his imminent impeachment for high crimes and treason.

I am ashamed of America. Why did they vote for this man?

There are a lot of white people in America. Fortunately they will soon be a minority and replaced by the peace loving victims of color.

Thank god for that. This will ensure a Democratic super majority and usher in a socialist workers paradise in America

It will be the Age of Aquarius. And Hillary Rodham Clinton will be our community organizer and she shall lead us into the promised land.

So the root cause of the man-caused disaster in Manchester was?

Haven’t you been listening?  The bitter, clinging Crusaders, led by Donald Trump, are responsible for the man-caused incident. And Donald Trump now feels free to initiate a genocide that will be even greater than Hitler’s was and that has never happened before!

But didn’t Stalin kill four times as many as Hitler?

Technically yes, but we like him. He instituted economic progress on a socialist model in the Soviet Union. So a few people had to die. Probably bitter clingers anyway.

What about the suspected bomber, Salman Abedi?

The Manchester Chief Constable now believes that “Salman” never existed and the real bomber was a blond haired, blue eyed man of northern European origin. Swiss perhaps.

Thank you for all these facts. Is there anything else I should know?

Yes. There are absolutely no Muslim rape gangs in the United Kingdom. Sure a few Muslims have been arrested for having sex with underage girls and boys but that was just a cultural misunderstanding. Repeat: There are no Muslim rape gangs in the United Kingdom. So if your daughter gets raped or genitally mutilated don’t blame Islam. And definitely do not commit a hate crime against the followers of The Prophet.

(92)