While its long-term goal is to kill all crusaders, ISIS leaders realize that this might be impossible in the short run. (For no other reason they might run out of suicide bombers.)
The new pamphlet, officially designated “Directive 17.B” states that all ISIS fighters must find some way to “damage the crusaders, infidels and Jews, either violently or emotionally.”
As a service to my readers I have translated and now reprint the directive in full. Fortunately I am fluent in Esperanto, which I believe is the language of ISIS.
Soldiers of the prophet:
As many of you know our suicide bomber program has run into difficulties. While it has been widely successful even with the promise of virgins suicide bombers are getting sparse to find. We even tried women but as they are not allowed to drive cars they are useless. Next we tried little boys but they can be put to better use as our sex slaves. We then tried suicide goats but stopped that (see our reason for not using little boys.)
It is for this reason that we have given our fighters temporary permission to do the following:
- Hit them with your car
- Poison them
- Stab them
- Punch them
- Spit on them
Start out with these easy five things, brothers. Remember, if you cannot kill the crusaders, infidels or Jews then you must hurt them. A car (assuming it’s not a Prius) will crush limbs. Poisoning and stabbing will render serious, hopefully fatal harm. And punching and spitting, while not fatal, damages the self-esteem of the crusaders, infidels and Jews and makes them feel bad about themselves.
However do not stop at these five suggestions. We encourage our fighters to think outside the box. One of our fighters, who works as a plumber, likes to reverse the cold and hot water taps in the homes of crusaders. Let the infidel scream as he steps into his shower and is greeted with cold water! It is the prophet’s will!
We appreciate that not many of our fighters have the skill to be plumbers. But there are other ways to inconvenience the crusaders. If you are working in a pizza shop and the crusader asks for gluten-free pizza, give him gluten pizza. If you are working in a coffee shop and the infidel asks for cream and sugar, give him a black coffee. Ha! This will make him suffer. It is the prophet’s will.
If you are working as a male prostitute tell the infidel that you will not ejaculate in his mouth and then do just that.
You get the idea. If we can’t kill then disrupt their soft, decadent lives.
And take their goats!
You know come to think of it, the last time I had pizza I did get very gassy and bloated. I bet the bastard gave me a non-gluten free slice! Is there no limit to ISIS’s depravity?