Yesterday morning while at practicing for the annual congressional baseball game a gunman opened fire and critically injured House Majority Whip Steve Scalise (R-LA).
Since the shooting we here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ have been busy working the phones trying to get the complete and official narrative.
Q: Were these men targeted because they were Republicans?
That is just speculation. The gunman, whose motives may never be known, was seen at the field before the shooting asking if the people playing were Republicans. But that doesn’t mean he targeted Republicans.
Q: Wait, he was asking the political affiliation of the people playing baseball. That seems like a clear motive.
No. His motives may never be known.
Q: But –
Never. Be. Known.
Q: Okay moving along, what do we know about the shooter?
The shooter is this man,
whom we believe to be veteran Hollywood actor John Goodman.
Q: Wow. Why would veteran Hollywood actor John Goodman shoot Republicans?
His motive may never be known. But as a Hollywood actor he no doubt is mentally ill.
Q: So the shooter was mentally ill.
Yes. That’s why we must not blame all Democrats for the actions of one mentally ill man.
Q: But when Gabby Giffords was shot by a mentally ill man didn’t the Democrats rush to blame all Republicans? Didn’t they blame the teabaggers?
That was totally different.
Q: How so?
Teabaggers are worse than Nazis. They all deserve to rounded up and shot.
Q: What? But isn’t that an example of the inflamed rhetoric that leads to shootings like this?
Yes. We must all watch our rhetoric. Except when it’s directed towards people we consider inferior like white, Christian Republicans.
Q: But shouldn’t this be a time to come together?
F*ck you. What are you? A tea bagger? I would shoot you right now if I hadn’t already confiscated all the guns in my district.
Q: So this shooting was all about guns and how we need to implement tougher gun control laws?
Yes. As Virginia governor Terry McAuliffe said, 93 million Americans every day die at the hand of guns.
Q: Um, I don’t think that’s a correct statistic.
Are you questioning your Democratic masters?
Q: You’re not my master.
Silence serf! An inferior people should know when to be quiet.
Q: What can we do as Americans to ensure that tragic shootings like this never happen again?
Turn in your guns. Be respectful of Democrats. They want to rule benevolently over you. And of course watch your rhetoric.
Q: One last question. What is the condition of Representative Steve Scalise?
Who gives a f*ck that stupid damn Republican teabagger. F*cking asshole deserves to be shot.
That is the narrative on the ground. If the narrative changes I will of course bring it to you, my readers, courtesy of the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™, the most trusted name in news.