Today I have the privilege to interview the current occupant of Gracie Mansion, his honor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (who goes by his stage name of Bill de Blasio).
MI: Good afternoon Mr. Mayor.
BDB: Good afternoon you cisgender white male.
MI: Um, yeah. Anyway let’s start off with an obvious question about the election season. You will probably get re-elected in a landslide. Your current approval rating stands at 60 percent. Why? What have you done to deserve a second term in office?
BDB: I’ve lowered crime.
MI: No you haven’t.
BDB: Well then I’ve made improvements to the city’s infrastructure so that the subways run on time.
MI: No they don’t.
BDB: I’m a Democrat.
MI: I think that may be the reason.
BDB: Yes. We Democrats have a natural right to rule over our subjects. We are smarter and more moral than Republicans.
BDB: Benevolently, of course, For the good of my subjects.
MI: Right. I want to talk about the Puerto Rican Day parade.
BDB: Ah yes. There are many Puerto Ricans in New York. Good people. Being surrounded by so many Hispanics makes me hearken back to my youth in Nicaragua. Of course we didn’t let Puerto Ricans into Nicaragua but that was only because they were beneath the Nicaraguans.
MI: This year the Grand Marshall of the Puerto Rican parade is Lopez Rivera, a Puerto Rican nationalist who was a member of the FALN and is responsible for over 120 bombings including bombings at Fraunces Tavern and One Police Plaza that killed four and maimed dozens.
BDB: Democrats are a forgiving people. I march proudly with Lopez Rivera because it will raise awareness of issues.
MI: Which issues?
BDB: Well I can’t think of any offhand but it will raise awareness of issues that need to be talked about.
MI: Yes but which issues?
BDB: [Pause] Did I mention I have a black wife?
BDB: And I’m very tall.
MI: Yes. I know.
[There is a flash of light and an explosion. Mayor de Blasio goes flying into the air]
BDB: What the hell happened?
MI: I think a bomb went off. Kind of ironic, don’t you think?
BDB: Oh my god my legs. My long, long legs that made me very tall. They’ve been blown off!
MI: That’s a shame.
BDB: Without my long, long legs that made me very tall I’ll be as short as Michael Bloomberg.
[de Blasio notices former Mayor Bloomberg who has also been injured in the explosion]
MB: My legs! My short, short legs that made me very short. They’ve been blown off. Without my short, short legs that made me very short I’ll be as short as Abe Beame.
BDB: Who would bomb me?
MI: I have just received a note from Lopez Rivera. He says that he set this bomb off to raise awareness of issues.
BDB: Which issues?
MI: [Pause] I don’ t know. Well, I guess our interview is over.
BDB: Hey if you see my long, long legs that made me very tall could you just put a note on them telling people to return them to me?
MB: And if you see my short, short legs that made me very short could you do the same?
MI: Sorry, Bloomberg but I don’t have a microscope.
BDB: Oh man, now I have to go to the bathroom. Can someone pick me up and carry me to the nearest bathroom? I’ve been having sudden urges to go lately.
MI: Perhaps you have an enlarged prostate?
BDB: Not any more. There it is over there. I guess it was blown off as well.
MI: That’s a shame.
And so ended my interview with the formerly tall Warren Wilhelm Jr. (who goes by the stage name of Bill de Blasio),