There is no dribbling or leakage for me. I take Super Beta Prostate. What? I mean yesterday I leaked some official DNC memos. Today I leak all the notes James Comey has taken. How did I find myself in possession of these memos? I can’t discuss that in a public forum.
Leaked Memo Number One (Comey meets with President Trump)
Today I met with President Trump. I don’t like him. He’s mean. As I sit here at home sipping a Chardonnay by the fire (unusual as I don’t have a fireplace) I am writing down what transpired as I remember it:
President Trump: Good afternoon James. How are things at the FBI?
Me: Are you asking me to curtail my investigation into Russian hacking in our election?
President Trump: No James. I am not asking that. Have a seat.
Me: I don’t want to be alone with you.
President Trump: Oh grow a pair James.
Trump was clearly using code words. Things. Seat. Pair.Things equals Russian hacking investigation. Seat means, obviously that he wanted me to sit down so he could tower over me and use his white male gaze to disempower me. Pair? Pair are the two concurrent investigations. The one on Michael Flynn and the one on the Russian hacking. If only I had been stronger I would have refused to meet with him. But I can’t discuss that in an open setting. Or my notes.
Leaked Memo Number Two (Comey Meets with Loretta Lynch)
I met with Loretta Lynch today (who is my boss). I like here. She has a warm, motherly quality to her. Anyway as I sit here smoking a blunt I write down these notes to refresh my memory.
Lynch: Why the hell did you re-open the Clinton email investigation?
Me: There is evidence of wrongdoing.
Lynch: So? What the hell is wrong with you.
Me: [I started crying at this point] Stop being mean to me.
Lynch: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry. Just do me a favor and call it a “matter” not an investigation.
Me: So you still like me?
Lynch: Of course I do.
Me: Can you feed me?
Lynch: Sure. [Opens her blouse] Drink. Drink deeply from the breast milk of human kindness.
She’s nice. Perhaps If I had been stronger I would not need constant feedings. But I can’t discuss this in a public forum.
Leaked Memo Number Three (Comey Gets Pizza Delivered)
If only I could find my coke spoon! I wouldn’t have to finish up this meth. I like meth but it really makes me hungry and horny. I just ordered pizza. Maybe I’ll answer the door naked?
Oh boy, here’s the pizza. Down with my pants.
Well that was unexpected. I answered the door naked and the delivery boy dropped the pizza and kicked me in my groin. Perhaps if i were stronger I wouldn’t need meth. But I can’t discuss this in a public setting.
I don’t like that pizza delivery boy. He was mean to me!
These are very shocking memos. It’s no wonder Washington hates leaks. Unless they are leaked by insiders to damage the opposition. But I can’t discuss that in a public setting.