9 Oct 17

My Exclusive Interview with Jimmy Kimmel

My tears flow freely

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing a rising star in the Democratic Party. Indeed many consider him the heart, soul and conscience of the Party. I am referring to former comedian and late night host Jimmy Kimmel.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Kimmel.

JK: [Pause]  Tears. My tears flow freely.  Flowing tears of tear flowing.

MI: I’m sorry. I’m very gassy.

JK: Pain. Flowing tears.

MI: I blame my diet.

JK: No. My tears flow for the 58 killed in Las Vegas.

MI: Yes that was a tragic event.

JK: Republicans have blood on their hands.

MI: What?

JK: Those 58 are dead because Republicans will not abolish the second amendment. All guns need to be banned. America is a violent, racist country. The most violent and racist country on the face of the Earth.

MI: More violent than Mexico?

JK: [Pause] Tears. Flowing freely. Gun control. It will bring about paradise on Earth. Bump stock. Automatic weapon. Tears.

MI: What about the 60 who get killed every month in Chicago by gunfire? Will you shed tears for them?

JK: No. That’s a stupid question. Chicago is a Democratic city.

MI: So your tears are selective?

JK: How dare you say that.  [Pause.]  Tears.  Flowing.

MI: You say you want to ban the second amendment yet you have an armed security team. Why is your life more important than mine?

JK: Well I’m on television. And rich and white.

MI:  What?

JK:[Pause] Tears flowing freely for the victims of gun violence except in Chicago.

[Former Speaker of the House John Boehner arrives]

Tears flowing freely. What can I do for the Democrats?

 

 

 

 

 

 

JB:  I heard someone crying. May I join?

JK: Tears flowing freely.

JB:  What for?

JK: Victims of Gun violence except in Chicago.

[Boehner starts weeping uncontrollably]

JB: As a member of the Republican branch of the Democratic party what can I do to help?

JK: Repeal the second amendment and confiscate all guns.

JB: Does this include my private security detail?

JK: No.

JB: Tears. Tears flowing freely for victims of gun violence except in Chicago.

MI: Guys can you both stop crying for a second. I have some more questions.

[Tammy Faye Bakker arrives] 

Can I cry with you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TFB: I hear crying.  Can I join the two of you?

JK & JB: Sure. Our tears are flowing freely for the victims of gun violence except in Chicago.

TFB:  I don’t care what your reasons are. I just want to cry with you.

JK, JB &TFB: Our tears mingle freely for the victims of gun violence except in Chicago.

MI: Okay well I see I’m not going to accomplish much with this interview so I’ll –

[Jim Bakker arrives] 

I’m cry-yi-yi-ing over you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

JimB: Please, please let me cry with you.

JK & JB: You are more than welcome. We are crying over the victims of gun violence.

TFB: Outside of Chicago.

JK & JB: Repeal the second amendment and ban guns.

JimB: As long as it doesn’t affect my private security detail. I’m all in.

[All four cry together]

MI: Come on people. The calcium from all your tears is staining my suit.

[Jimmy Swaggart enters] 

I have sinned against the Lord!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

JS: Oh please. You call that crying?  I’ll show you crying.

[Swaggart starts crying]

JS: I have sinned against the Lord, Manhattan Infidel.

JK, JB, TFB & JimB: Come join us as we shed tears for victims of gun violence except in Chicago. Help us ban all guns.

JS: Will this affect my private security detail?

MI:That does it. I’m out of here.

I was lucky to get out from under all those tears without drowning. I’m just lucky Anthony Weiner didn’t show up. Does anyone know a good dry cleaner that can remove calcium stains from my suit?

(146)

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6 Oct 17

My Exclusive Interview with O.J. Simpson

Definitely not a double murderer!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing recently released convicted felon (but technically not a double murderer) Orenthal James Simpson.

MI:  Good afternoon Mr. Simpson.

OJ: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. Isn’t it a wonderful day?

MI: Yes it is.

OJ: I missed this so much when I was in  prison.  Feeling the wind on my face. Hearing birds chirping. Freedom.

MI:  It seems you are enjoying your new freedom.

OJ: I am.  You never appreciate something until you don’t have it.

MI: This is true.

OJ: And let me take this opportunity to say God bless America and God bless our criminal justice system. It works.  A black man, namely myself, has received justice.

MI:  I guess that’s one way of looking at it.

OJ: And let me also say that football players should stand during the national anthem. 

MI: Really?

OJ: Yes. When I see them disrespecting America like that I get so angry I just want to kill them all.

MI: What?

OJ: Kill them!  I said I want to kill them all. Everyone one. Brutally.

MI: Okay well I think that’s about all the time we have.

OJ: Wait don’t you want to ask me any more questions?  Like what I’m doing since I got my freedom?

MI: That’s okay I think I’ll just go.

OJ: Since I got my freedom I’ve been catching up on hobbies I enjoy.

MI:  I didn’t ask.

OJ: It’s all about my hobbies

MI: I don’t want to know.

OJ: Gardening. Stamp collecting. Stabbing.

MI: Wait. What?  Stabbing?

OJ: Yes. Being in jail gave me a lot of time to catch up on my stabbing skills.  I was known as “That stabbing bastard from Cell Block B.” Even the guards were afraid of me. With good reason since I stabbed several of them. Violently. I almost decapitated a few I thrust the knife so deep it reached the spinal cord.

MI: I’m….going to leave. Like now.

OJ: Stabbing is an art form. There’s no art in using a gun, don’t you think? I mean with a knife you are almost doing a dance. Thrust. Parry. Back and forth. Stabbing keeps me in shape. And you get the satisfaction of being up close and watching the life drain from your victims.

MI: Goodbye.

OJ: Oh wait. One last thing. Besides stabbing I really enjoy meditation. It centers me. I mean gardening and stamp collecting are relaxing. But they don’t give me the energy to stab. I want to spend the rest of my life giving back to my community. And stabbing.

MI: I –

OJ: Oh, and Twilight movies. I know it sounds silly but I enjoy them. Almost as much as stabbing. With a sharp knife. Until I almost sever the spinal column.

You know I think he was trying to tell me something. Like he was confessing to a deep dark secret. But what?

(103)

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5 Oct 17

Superman Takes a Knee; Lois Lane Dies!

I take a knee to stand for justice!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Otherworldly hero Superman, angered by white privilege and institutional racism, took a knee today instead of reversing the orbit of the Earth and saving his significant other, Lois Lane.

“It really wasn’t that difficult a decision” said the caped superhero.

Fighting for truth, justice and the American way used to mean something. But since Russia colluded with Donald Trump I find myself wondering what exactly is justice? I’m angry dammit and frightened by what is happening to America. America is a great country. Or it used to be. I have received nothing but kindness from Americans since I crashed into a cornfield in the Midwest. Land stolen, by the way, from the Native Americans. In good conscience I can no longer fight for truth, justice and the American way without fighting for social justice as well.

Superman is well aware that he may lose his fan base by taking a knee. Nervous sponsors have urged him to abandon his protests and concentrate on helping people.

“I have to protect my bottom line” said one sponsor.

We have a contract with Superman that we intend to honor. But if he continues these protests with our name being so closely attached to his people might stop using our product. If this happens we might have to consider not renewing our contract. Look no one’s saying he doesn’t have the right to protest police brutality and the slaying of unarmed black people. Diversity is what made America great. We just don’t want him to unnecessarily politicize fighting for truth, justice and the American way. 

Despite unease from Superman’s sponsors and fans of his threatening to ask Batman for help instead, he has vowed to continue his protests.

I will take a knee until white police officers stop killing black men. I will take a knee as long as there is income inequality in America. I will take a knee until rich people pay their fare share of taxes. Slavery, the extermination of the native American and the imprisonment of Japanese Americans in prison camps during World War II is the legacy of America.  Actually I probably shouldn’t mention the Japanese internment thing. That was done by a Democratic president and it wouldn’t be fair to embarrass the Democrats. They are the party fighting for social justice, racial equality and redistribution of income. Not like the Republicans.

As for the death of Lois Lane Superman has said that “she brought it upon herself.”

Instead of wasting her time as a reporter she should have been at my side fighting for social justice. Besides she was starting to get on my nerves. She’s manic depressive you know. One time she disappeared for four days. She was found in a neighbors backyard. She had also knocked out her teeth and was talking about a rape attempt which was never verified. Look if I want to date a manic depressive making fake rape claims I’ll date Lena Dunham.

Superman has moved on from Lois Lane and is now dating popular singer Miley Cyrus.

“She is concerned about income inequality just like me. And well, she turns me on with her twerking. You could say the sex is passionate. Passionate and fueled by a common love of social justice of course.”

(227)

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4 Oct 17

Tooth Fairy to Rebrand!

What can I say? I don’t trust the Fed!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Tooth Fairy, in an attempt to modernize her business model, announced today that she will no longer be leaving money in exchange for teeth but will use the cryptocurrency Bitcoin.

“What can I say? You have to adapt and change or die” said the Fairy.

The old way of doing business was finished. I had to keep upping the amount of money I left for these brats. First it was a dime. Then a quarter. Then a dollar. Then five dollars. And it was never enough to satisfy the punks. I run a business. I’m trying to make a profit. I exchange money for teeth. Then I exchange the teeth for poppy from my fields in Afghanistan. Don’t act shocked.  It makes no difference, it shouldn’t make any difference what a woman does for a living, you understand. But business was getting a little dangerous. I was losing money. I knew I had to modernize when I got into a fight with one kid when he didn’t like the five dollars I left behind. It got pretty violent. I’m a businesswoman. I don’t like violence. Blood is a big expense.

Compounding the Tooth Fairy’s problems was the devaluation of the U.S. currency.

I’m getting competition. I’m getting nickel and dimed by punks moving into my territory. The Easter Bunny tried to enter the Tooth Fairy trade. Pretty soon there won’t be anyplace that I can hang my hat. All this and the Fed keeps lowering interest rates to the point where the money I was giving the kids was worthless. They wouldn’t accept it anymore. I hate the f*cking Fed! It’s unconstitutional if you ask me. We should eliminate the Fed and go back to the gold standard. But whenever I mentioned this people said I was an economic savage. Economic savage? That’s how you want to play it eh? I’ll show them. That’s why I’m switching to Bitcoin. It’s a digital, computerized currency. Kids dig computers. I tell them after they download Tinder to download the Bitcoin app onto their phones. They seem pretty excited. The overhead is less. And it’s a decentralized currency so I don’t have to worry about what the f*cking Fed is going to do next.

The Tooth Fairy hopes that the switch to Bitcoin will be just the beginning in rebranding her business as hip and cool again.

I’ve hired a marketing and PR firm. I’ve filmed some commercials with Justin Timberlake. I’ve never heard of the young man but I understand he’s very popular now. I’ll be ringing the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange. It’s all about getting my name out there. It’s all about getting the younger generation to want to give me their teeth. I don’t have to tell you that recently I’ve seen a 12 percent decrease in teeth. If this works my brand will be viable for another generation! And no f*cking Fed!

As part of her rebranding the Tooth Fairy will be changing her name to “Tooth!”

“It sounds hip. You know like how “The Carpenters” were just “Carpenters.” And no f*cking Fed. Yeah I know I’ve said that before but it’s important. Down with the Fed! And visit my site Tooth!.com. The more hits the better.”

(138)

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3 Oct 17

Road Runner, Wile E. Coyote Crushed by 18 Wheeler

Can’t we all just get along?

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote pursued their blood feud to the death today as both were crushed by a semi, halting traffic in both directions during the height of rush hour.

“It was a mess” said a highway patrolman.

It was a wet, pulpy mess scattered along the highway for miles. Naturally for safety’s sake we had to shut down the road. Animal pulp can be pretty slick and we didn’t want anyone injured. Well I should say anyone else to get injured. The Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote were injured. Injured into a wet, slimy, smelly, pulpy mess. I don’t envy the truck driver. Washing a wet, slimy, smelly, disgusting pulpy mess from one’s undercarriage can’t be fun.

Many are asking why the state didn’t do more to protect the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote (both endangered species) from being run over.

“Look we have limited resources” said a spokesman for the governor.

We have known for a long time that both of them had a blood feud that was spilling out onto our highways. But we just can’t pull state troopers off their regular assignments to protect these two. There are real crimes being committed in this state. People are collecting rainwater on their properties. We have to hunt these people down and arrest them. There are people expressing nationalist sentiments. Again we have to arrest them. Also there are people who don’t know which restroom to use. It can be confusing with 31 genders I know. We have to help these people. With all this going on do you expect us to help a road runner and a coyote?

As to why the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote engaged in a blood feud that resulted in their slimy, pulpy deaths, opinions vary. Many believe it was political.  The Road Runner was a libertarian while Wile E. Coyote was a Democrat who believe in the power of the state.

Some believe the feud was the result of unresolved sexual tension between the two.

“Who could resist the Road Runner and his lithe body and strong powerful legs” said an acquaintance of Wile E. Coyote.

He had pictures of the Road Runner all over his house. Occasionally he would say how much he admired how the Road Runner kept himself in shapes and that he liked to watch him run. I once caught him pleasuring himself while moaning “Oh Road Runner!” Who could resist the Road Runner? It’s enough to tempt even the most heterosexual of coyotes.

The driver of the 18 wheeler that ran over the duo is suing the state.

“Not only was I fined by my boss for being late on my run but do you know how much it costs to get rid of wet, pulpy, slimy, disgusting, foul smelling inside out animals from your undercarriage? Well it costs plenty. And they never got the smell out. And trust me you don’t want to go on a 36 hour road trip smelling nothing but wet, pulpy, slimy foul smelling inside out animals. It smells worse than liver.”

(176)

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2 Oct 17

My Exclusive Interview with Roger Goodell

Roger Goodell’s inner essence

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With NFL protests much in the news I was lucky enough to snag an interview with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell (pictured above.)

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Goodell.

RG: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. Are you ready for some football?

MI: Actually no. I turned off the NFL games in disgust after the protests started.

RG: So you’re watching the games? It’s good to hear from faithful, loyal football fans such as yourself.

MI: Actually I said I was not watching the games and was boycotting them out of disgust for the protests and politicization of the game.

RG: I’m glad we have your support. Without fans like you the NFL would be nothing.

MI: You’re not listening to me, are you?

RG: No. No I’m not. I’m Roger f*cking Goodell, Commissioner of the Motherf*king NFL and I don’t need to listen to common people like you. Commoners such as yourself and your stupid protests annoy me.

MI: But would you like to address the issue of the protests?  Viewership is down and many people talk of never watching the NFL again.

RG: Our brave heroic football players have the right to protest the out-of-control epidemic of white police officers shooting young black men.

MI: But isn’t that really a myth. If you look at the statistics black men are much more likely to be killed by other black men.

RG: Ferguson. Hands up. Don’t shoot.

MI: That has been proven to be false.

RG: But I believe it to be true. And that’s all that matters.

MI: Shouldn’t the NFL be concentrating on providing entertainment and not becoming social justice warriors?

[Pause]

MI: Commissioner Goodell?

[Pause]

MI: What about the arrest rate of NFL players? Do you plan to address this issue?

[Pause]

RG: Oh look. it’s the coach of the NBA’s San Antonio Spurs, Gregg Popovich!

[Gregg Popovich enters] 

White people are evil!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

GP:  White people!

MI: I beg your pardon?

GP: White people need to be made uncomfortable. We have no idea what it means to be born white. White people! Make them uncomfortable!  Down with white privilege!  Make us uncomfortable. White people need to be brought down and made uncomfortable!

RG:  Brilliantly put. Would you by any chance be available to take a knee for us next Sunday?

MI: You want to be made uncomfortable? Very well. I’ve just told your chauffeur that he won’t be needed for the rest of the day so he left.

GP: What? No chauffeur? Damn you Manhattan Infidel I said make white people uncomfortable. Not kill us!  What am I supposed to do now?

MI: I don’t know. Take public transportation?

RG: I’d offer you my chauffeur but he’s busy taking a knee somewhere.

GP: No chauffeur peace!

[Popovich takes a knee]

RG:  May I join you?

[Goodell takes a knee]

MI: I’ll just leave you to your knee taking then.

[Manhattan Infidel leaves]

RG: Help I’ve taken a knee and I can’t get up!

GP: I used to have that problem. Now I take SuperBeta Prostate. 

You know that interview made me very uncomfortable. And not in a social justice way either.

(140)

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29 Sep 17

Mighty Mouse Murdered!

He will save the day no more!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Superhero Mighty Mouse, who has often come to save the day, will save the day no more as his brutally murdered corpse was discovered in an abandoned warehouse.

“This was the most disturbing crime I’ve ever seen” said a detective with first hand knowledge of the incident.

He was tied to a chair, his eyes were gouged out, his ears were cut off, his tongue had been removed and his forearms chopped off. This was no ordinary crime. This was personal. Whoever, or is it whomever I really don’t know, did this not only wanted Mighty Mouse dead but he wanted him to suffer.

In addition to the mutilated body a tape recording of Mr. Mouse’s final moments was left at the scene.

Mr. Mouse could be heard crying “Please for the love of god show me some mercy and just kill me now. What is the point of torturing me like this? Just kill me!” Then we’d heard a chain saw and Mr. Mouse screaming. I’ll never be able to unhear those screams. They will stay with me forever. I tell you this is one sick son of a bitch who did this.

At the moment police have no motive for the crime. However Mighty Mouse’s superpowers and history of fighting evil have left a long list of subjects.

Mr. Mouse’s powers included flight, super strength, invulnerability, x-ray vision and psychokinesis. You don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure out that people in power did not like those powers in the hand of a private citizen. In short his pissed a lot of people off. We think that somebody who had prior dealing with Mr. Mouse sought revenge. I mean x-ray vision? That alone makes every women a possible suspect. I know I wouldn’t want a mouse with superpowers using x-ray vision to see what I look like naked.

In hopes of preventing any similar murders police have asked citizens who may have superpowers such as x-ray vision to “stop being perverts.”

If you do have superpowers we ask that you use restraint. Flight is okay if it helps you get to a crime scene quicker. Super strength is good because you can use it to fight the bad guy. Or become a kick boxer. Whatever floats your boat. But this whole x-ray vision thing?  I get it. We are all weak. There are so many hot women out there teasing us with their short skirts. Hell who wouldn’t want to turn the tables on them and see them naked? They are asking for it. There’s a woman at the precinct who is always flirting with me and teasing me. But when I show any interest she threatens to go to HR. You can bet I’d use x-ray vision to see what she’s denying me. But don’t do it. When they find out you’ve been looking at them naked they’ll get upset and triggered. And they might want revenge. We believe this is what happened to Mr. Mouse.

Using their professional abilities as detectives police have released a sketch of who, or is it whom I don’t really know, they believe is a person of interest.

This chick must look great naked!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“This Betty Boop is just so damn hot. If I had the ability to see her naked I would definitely use it” said a detective.  “So we’re going to bring her in for questioning. And possibly a strip search.”

(236)

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28 Sep 17

My Exclusive Interview With Judd Apatow

Hi. I suck!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing writer, producer and director Judd Apatow.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Apatow.

JA: Please. Call me Mr. Apatow.

MI: I just did. 

JA: That’s better.

MI: What?

JA: Show some respect for your betters.

MI: Right. Anyway I’m looking at your Wikipedia profile and it says that you are a producer, writer, director and actor.

JA: Yes I am. One of the more in-demand in Hollywood actually. Why?

MI: It’s just that I don’t believe I’ve seen any of your work.

JA: That’s okay. I assume you are from one of the lower classes of society so intellectual stimulation for you probably consists of raping women of color.

MI: Come again?

JA:  You Trump supporters are all from the lower class. Probably do manual labor for a living instead of working with your mind like I do. And like all lower class people you’re violent and when drunk rape women.  Just like Donald Trump who had his Secretary of Education rescind Obama’s, may his holiness live in our hearts and minds forever, campus sexual misconduct policies. You see Trump had to pander to his rape base.

MI:  But couldn’t it be argued that Obama’s campus sexual misconduct policies violate due process? Are people still innocent until proven guilty? Aren’t those policies that state one in five college women will be raped based on faulty data? Does not the data show that it’s more like one in 500 is raped? By saying one in five aren’t you demonizing men and calling all men rapists?

[Pause]

MI:  Mr. Apatow?

JA: Numbers aren’t my thing but I feel that one in five is correct. I don’t need proof. And those who have been accused of rape are guilty. No evidence or due process is needed.

MI: But doesn’t that lead to kangaroo courts?  Doesn’t our system of due process and assuming someone is innocent until proven guilty a great improvement over what existed in Europe at the time?

[Pause]

JA: You’re a rapist aren’t you?  A rapist and a racist. 

MI: I think you had better watch what you say.

JA: Racist raper!

[Manhattan Infidel punches Apatow in the nose, breaking it]

JA: Ow! My nose! It’s broken! I’m bleeding!  Help! Mommy! Mommy!

[Apatow’s wife, actress Leslie Mann enters] 

This hot woman is married to a child

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LM: What’s going on here?

JA: Mommy I have a boo-boo. The big bad man hurt me!

LM: Haven’t I told you to not fight in the playground? Just for that I’m sending you to bed without supper. And what until your children find out!  You’ll have to buy them more presents!

[Apatow continues to cry]

JA:  Mommy don’t send me to bed without supper.

LM: I’m sorry Manhattan Infidel. He’s rambunctious for a child his age and calls people names and gets into fights. I’ll have to ask the doctor to increase his medication.

[She grabs him by the ear and drags him off]

MI: Well that explains a lot.

And so ended my interview with Hollywood elitist and superior intellectual grown man-child Judd Apatow. You know I still haven’t seen any of his piece of shit movies.

(219)

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27 Sep 17

Yankees Beat Tampa Bay (The Aaron Judge Uses a Private Email Server Edition)

“Every time I hit a home run my people kill a native American” ~ Attributed to Mickey Mantle.

muggy autumn night in the Bronx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The already clinched a playoff spot Yankees opened a series against the Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays on an Indian Native American Summer night in the Bronx.  The Yankees started Jordan Montgomery (9-7 3.96) and the Rays countered with Blake Snell (4-7 4.27).

Tampa Bay scored first in the top of the first.  After singles by Kevin Kiermaier and Steven Souza Jr. Evan Longoria walked, loading the bases.  After Logan Morrison struck out Wilson Ramos hit a deep fly ball to center field. Would it be a grand slam? Nope, thanks to recently activated Aaron Hicks who snagged it as it went over the wall, turning a grand slam into a sac fly. Kiermaier scored.  1-0 Tampa Bay after half an inning.

The Yankees came back and scored four runs in the bottom of the second. Starlin Castro led off with his 15th home run of the year. Todd Frazier, Clint Frazier and Ronald Torreyes singled, loading the bases.  Aaron Hicks walked, forcing in a run. Aaron Judge up next walked as well, forcing in another run. Ronald Torreyes finished out the inning when he scored on a wild pitch. 4-1 Yankees after two.

The Yanks scored two more runs in the eighth.  Gary Sanchez singled home Torreyes. Matt Holliday reached on an infield single scoring Judge.

Final score:  Yankees 6 Tampa Bay 1.  With the win the Yankees get home field advantage for the wild card playoff next Tuesday.

Notes on the game:

Before the game began news broke that Aaron Judge and Didi Gregorious had used private email servers, Gary Sanchez had once met with the Russian ambassador and Matt Holliday owns a private island called “orgy island” where he held frequent private meetings with those high up in the Kremlin hierarchy.

Naturally these scandals must be investigated and if true Trump will have to be impeached.

Hillary Clinton was at the game. In the third inning she ran out onto the field screaming “The Yankees are deplorables and cost me the election!”

She was tackled by the Yankee outfield of Aaron Judge, Aaron Hicks and Clint Frazier. Why did they tackle here instead of letting her speak? Probably to hide their crimes and collusion with Russia.

I tell you people this has to be investigated! Create an independent prosecutor! Trump, the Russians and the Yankees colluded to keep Hillary out of the White House and we as a people will not stand for this!

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “Mickey Mantle wanted to kill all native Americans and wipe them off the face of the Earth therefore we should tear down any Mickey Mantle statues” didn’t fire up the crowd.  I guess they aren’t sufficiently “woke” and approve of genocide.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “There is a statue of somebody in Poughkeepsie. Should I tear it down?”

Absolutely. The statue was probably of some dead white man. And you know how guilty they are!

C.H.E. of hurricane infested Florida writes, “I was driving on the highway and thought I saw a statue in the distance. I was so triggered I had to pull over and weep.”

You did the right thing. I suggest you contact your local Antifa club and have the statue removed. All these statues of white people disgust me!

M.A., former confederate spy now living in New York City writes, “I want Columbus Circle renamed “Che Guevara Circle.” He espoused compassionate socialist principles.”

This is true. And Che was Hispanic, which means he was oppressed!

Recommended reading material:

Benedict Arnold, Patriot and Traitor by William Sterne Randall.

And so my final record for 2017 was 7-5.  The Yankees now go onto the playoffs.

Go Yankees!

(16)

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26 Sep 17

Tension Increases on Korean Peninsula as Kim Jong-un Acquires Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulators!

I will annihilate America with my Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulators!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Concerns that North Korea intends to start a war were intensified over the weekend when it was revealed that Kim Jong-un is now in possession of weaponized Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulators courtesy of the notorious arms dealer Marvin the Martian.

“Unfortunately the reports are true” said CIA director Mike Pompeo.

Unable to develop a nuclear bomb small enough to fit on an ICBM he contacted Marvin the Martian and acquired the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulators, which are smaller, lighter and more powerful than conventional nuclear weapons. If, god forbid, he uses one of the explosive space modulators the entire United States will look as desolate as any Democratic-held inner city.  Frankly people we should all be freaking out. This might be the end of the world in which case I’m leaving my wife and hooking up with strippers.

As to how Kim Jong-un was able to contact Marvin the Martin despite Marvin being on a terrorist watch list sources inside the CIA say that Mr. Martian was able to exploit the United States’ lax border security.

Mr. Martian has been banned from entry into the United States but he was able to sneak in over the Mexican border with several other undocumented people in the back of a pick up truck. Once over the border he obtained a drivers license, registered Democrat under the assumed name of “B. Clinton” and bought a plane ticket to North Korea. Our TSA agents should have nabbed him at the airport but they were too busy beating up a woman in a wheelchair who may have had a coke bottle in her carry on.

Now in possession of Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulators Kim Jong-un took to North Korean state television and threatened to wipe the United States off the face of the planet.

“Donald Trump and America will feel our wrath” he said.

We are now in possession of all the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulators  on the planet. I don’t like America. It blocks my view of Europe. I will use it to blow up the United States. and when that happens there shall be a giant kaboom!

As for how to contain Kim Jong-un Democrats are urging caution and more diplomacy with House minority leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) asking President Trump to tone down his rhetoric and use restraint in hopes of getting the North Korean leader back to the bargaining table.

The Secretary General of the United Nations, Antonio Guterres has called for the Security Council to censure Israel.

Jimmy Kimmel threatened to beat up Fox TV personality Brian Kilmeade.

George Clooney blamed President Trump for “riling up” the North Korean leader and said that “this is the time for diplomacy and restraint.”

And finally David Crosby volunteered to smoke all the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator that Kim Jong-un has if it will lead to peace.

“Dude that’s some powerful shit” said Crosby.

“Stephen Stills used to get some strong stuff from Paul McCartney but the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator high is Earth shattering!”

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