Concerns that North Korea intends to start a war were intensified over the weekend when it was revealed that Kim Jong-un is now in possession of weaponized Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulators courtesy of the notorious arms dealer Marvin the Martian.
“Unfortunately the reports are true” said CIA director Mike Pompeo.
Unable to develop a nuclear bomb small enough to fit on an ICBM he contacted Marvin the Martian and acquired the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulators, which are smaller, lighter and more powerful than conventional nuclear weapons. If, god forbid, he uses one of the explosive space modulators the entire United States will look as desolate as any Democratic-held inner city. Frankly people we should all be freaking out. This might be the end of the world in which case I’m leaving my wife and hooking up with strippers.
As to how Kim Jong-un was able to contact Marvin the Martin despite Marvin being on a terrorist watch list sources inside the CIA say that Mr. Martian was able to exploit the United States’ lax border security.
Mr. Martian has been banned from entry into the United States but he was able to sneak in over the Mexican border with several other undocumented people in the back of a pick up truck. Once over the border he obtained a drivers license, registered Democrat under the assumed name of “B. Clinton” and bought a plane ticket to North Korea. Our TSA agents should have nabbed him at the airport but they were too busy beating up a woman in a wheelchair who may have had a coke bottle in her carry on.
Now in possession of Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulators Kim Jong-un took to North Korean state television and threatened to wipe the United States off the face of the planet.
“Donald Trump and America will feel our wrath” he said.
We are now in possession of all the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulators on the planet. I don’t like America. It blocks my view of Europe. I will use it to blow up the United States. and when that happens there shall be a giant kaboom!
As for how to contain Kim Jong-un Democrats are urging caution and more diplomacy with House minority leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) asking President Trump to tone down his rhetoric and use restraint in hopes of getting the North Korean leader back to the bargaining table.
The Secretary General of the United Nations, Antonio Guterres has called for the Security Council to censure Israel.
Jimmy Kimmel threatened to beat up Fox TV personality Brian Kilmeade.
George Clooney blamed President Trump for “riling up” the North Korean leader and said that “this is the time for diplomacy and restraint.”
And finally David Crosby volunteered to smoke all the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator that Kim Jong-un has if it will lead to peace.
“Dude that’s some powerful shit” said Crosby.
“Stephen Stills used to get some strong stuff from Paul McCartney but the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator high is Earth shattering!”