The Wolfman, citing changing styles, has announced that he will go “full manscaping” for the immediate future.
“I blame fashion” said the Wolfman.
I’m just a simple, humble Wolfman trying to make a living and get my freak on. I used to have great success with the ladies. They dug my hairy, unkempt look. I mean they really dug it. I had to fight the ladies off. All I had to do was unbutton my shirt a little bit, show them my fur and tell them my soul is cursed. My pickup line always worked: “Even a man who is pure in heart and says his prayers by night, may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms and the autumn moon is bright.” They thought I was a troubled man with the soul of a poet. Chicks dig poets. So I was a hairy, troubled poet.
But recently the Wolfman was striking out with the ladies.
When I’d unbutton my shirt they would go “Eww gross.” Some would even throw up. I had one woman ask me if I was Eastern European. “They are a hairy race” she said. “Hairy and all in the Mafia.” I had to tell her I wasn’t in the Mafia. She seemed disappointed. But it wasn’t just her. No one wanted me anymore. I went from threesomes to pleasuring myself while watching porn on my iPad. Talk about a fall from grace.
Soon he found himself mistaken for a hipster.
That was the last straw. A hipster? Even hipsters can’t stand hipsters. I’m not a hipster. I’m just an ordinary werewolf who wants to rip peoples throats out every full moon. Is that too much to ask?
Unable to get some girlie action and outnumbered by a new breed of smooth metrosexuals, the Wolfman decided that if he couldn’t beat them he would join them.
I made an appointment at a salon and told them I wanted the full manscaping treatment. They were a little taken aback when they saw me and had to bring in more manscapers. They also charged me extra for clean up. Apparently the board of health frowns upon back hair all over the floor. But it was totally worth it. Except for the painful hot wax treatments. I am now smoother than a male stripper or a Canadian. Let’s see the ladies try to resist me now. Sure it took some getting used to. Chafing down there is always a problem. I miss my chest hair too but you have to do what you have to do.
The newly smooth Wolfman can now be found hanging around bars at closing time.
“I should have manscaped myself a long time ago” he said. “Smooth is the way to go. I’m getting more action than Justin Bieber!”