Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing recently released convicted felon (but technically not a double murderer) Orenthal James Simpson.
MI: Good afternoon Mr. Simpson.
OJ: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. Isn’t it a wonderful day?
MI: Yes it is.
OJ: I missed this so much when I was in prison. Feeling the wind on my face. Hearing birds chirping. Freedom.
MI: It seems you are enjoying your new freedom.
OJ: I am. You never appreciate something until you don’t have it.
MI: This is true.
OJ: And let me take this opportunity to say God bless America and God bless our criminal justice system. It works. A black man, namely myself, has received justice.
MI: I guess that’s one way of looking at it.
OJ: And let me also say that football players should stand during the national anthem.
OJ: Yes. When I see them disrespecting America like that I get so angry I just want to kill them all.
OJ: Kill them! I said I want to kill them all. Everyone one. Brutally.
MI: Okay well I think that’s about all the time we have.
OJ: Wait don’t you want to ask me any more questions? Like what I’m doing since I got my freedom?
MI: That’s okay I think I’ll just go.
OJ: Since I got my freedom I’ve been catching up on hobbies I enjoy.
MI: I didn’t ask.
OJ: It’s all about my hobbies
MI: I don’t want to know.
OJ: Gardening. Stamp collecting. Stabbing.
MI: Wait. What? Stabbing?
OJ: Yes. Being in jail gave me a lot of time to catch up on my stabbing skills. I was known as “That stabbing bastard from Cell Block B.” Even the guards were afraid of me. With good reason since I stabbed several of them. Violently. I almost decapitated a few I thrust the knife so deep it reached the spinal cord.
MI: I’m….going to leave. Like now.
OJ: Stabbing is an art form. There’s no art in using a gun, don’t you think? I mean with a knife you are almost doing a dance. Thrust. Parry. Back and forth. Stabbing keeps me in shape. And you get the satisfaction of being up close and watching the life drain from your victims.
OJ: Oh wait. One last thing. Besides stabbing I really enjoy meditation. It centers me. I mean gardening and stamp collecting are relaxing. But they don’t give me the energy to stab. I want to spend the rest of my life giving back to my community. And stabbing.
MI: I –
OJ: Oh, and Twilight movies. I know it sounds silly but I enjoy them. Almost as much as stabbing. With a sharp knife. Until I almost sever the spinal column.
You know I think he was trying to tell me something. Like he was confessing to a deep dark secret. But what?