The Tooth Fairy, in an attempt to modernize her business model, announced today that she will no longer be leaving money in exchange for teeth but will use the cryptocurrency Bitcoin.
“What can I say? You have to adapt and change or die” said the Fairy.
The old way of doing business was finished. I had to keep upping the amount of money I left for these brats. First it was a dime. Then a quarter. Then a dollar. Then five dollars. And it was never enough to satisfy the punks. I run a business. I’m trying to make a profit. I exchange money for teeth. Then I exchange the teeth for poppy from my fields in Afghanistan. Don’t act shocked. It makes no difference, it shouldn’t make any difference what a woman does for a living, you understand. But business was getting a little dangerous. I was losing money. I knew I had to modernize when I got into a fight with one kid when he didn’t like the five dollars I left behind. It got pretty violent. I’m a businesswoman. I don’t like violence. Blood is a big expense.
Compounding the Tooth Fairy’s problems was the devaluation of the U.S. currency.
I’m getting competition. I’m getting nickel and dimed by punks moving into my territory. The Easter Bunny tried to enter the Tooth Fairy trade. Pretty soon there won’t be anyplace that I can hang my hat. All this and the Fed keeps lowering interest rates to the point where the money I was giving the kids was worthless. They wouldn’t accept it anymore. I hate the f*cking Fed! It’s unconstitutional if you ask me. We should eliminate the Fed and go back to the gold standard. But whenever I mentioned this people said I was an economic savage. Economic savage? That’s how you want to play it eh? I’ll show them. That’s why I’m switching to Bitcoin. It’s a digital, computerized currency. Kids dig computers. I tell them after they download Tinder to download the Bitcoin app onto their phones. They seem pretty excited. The overhead is less. And it’s a decentralized currency so I don’t have to worry about what the f*cking Fed is going to do next.
The Tooth Fairy hopes that the switch to Bitcoin will be just the beginning in rebranding her business as hip and cool again.
I’ve hired a marketing and PR firm. I’ve filmed some commercials with Justin Timberlake. I’ve never heard of the young man but I understand he’s very popular now. I’ll be ringing the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange. It’s all about getting my name out there. It’s all about getting the younger generation to want to give me their teeth. I don’t have to tell you that recently I’ve seen a 12 percent decrease in teeth. If this works my brand will be viable for another generation! And no f*cking Fed!
As part of her rebranding the Tooth Fairy will be changing her name to “Tooth!”
“It sounds hip. You know like how “The Carpenters” were just “Carpenters.” And no f*cking Fed. Yeah I know I’ve said that before but it’s important. Down with the Fed! And visit my site Tooth!.com. The more hits the better.”