My Exclusive Interview with Jimmy Kimmel

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My tears flow freely

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing a rising star in the Democratic Party. Indeed many consider him the heart, soul and conscience of the Party. I am referring to former comedian and late night host Jimmy Kimmel.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Kimmel.

JK: [Pause]  Tears. My tears flow freely.  Flowing tears of tear flowing.

MI: I’m sorry. I’m very gassy.

JK: Pain. Flowing tears.

MI: I blame my diet.

JK: No. My tears flow for the 58 killed in Las Vegas.

MI: Yes that was a tragic event.

JK: Republicans have blood on their hands.

MI: What?

JK: Those 58 are dead because Republicans will not abolish the second amendment. All guns need to be banned. America is a violent, racist country. The most violent and racist country on the face of the Earth.

MI: More violent than Mexico?

JK: [Pause] Tears. Flowing freely. Gun control. It will bring about paradise on Earth. Bump stock. Automatic weapon. Tears.

MI: What about the 60 who get killed every month in Chicago by gunfire? Will you shed tears for them?

JK: No. That’s a stupid question. Chicago is a Democratic city.

MI: So your tears are selective?

JK: How dare you say that.  [Pause.]  Tears.  Flowing.

MI: You say you want to ban the second amendment yet you have an armed security team. Why is your life more important than mine?

JK: Well I’m on television. And rich and white.

MI:  What?

JK:[Pause] Tears flowing freely for the victims of gun violence except in Chicago.

[Former Speaker of the House John Boehner arrives]

Tears flowing freely. What can I do for the Democrats?

 

 

 

 

 

 

JB:  I heard someone crying. May I join?

JK: Tears flowing freely.

JB:  What for?

JK: Victims of Gun violence except in Chicago.

[Boehner starts weeping uncontrollably]

JB: As a member of the Republican branch of the Democratic party what can I do to help?

JK: Repeal the second amendment and confiscate all guns.

JB: Does this include my private security detail?

JK: No.

JB: Tears. Tears flowing freely for victims of gun violence except in Chicago.

MI: Guys can you both stop crying for a second. I have some more questions.

[Tammy Faye Bakker arrives] 

Can I cry with you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TFB: I hear crying.  Can I join the two of you?

JK & JB: Sure. Our tears are flowing freely for the victims of gun violence except in Chicago.

TFB:  I don’t care what your reasons are. I just want to cry with you.

JK, JB &TFB: Our tears mingle freely for the victims of gun violence except in Chicago.

MI: Okay well I see I’m not going to accomplish much with this interview so I’ll –

[Jim Bakker arrives] 

I’m cry-yi-yi-ing over you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

JimB: Please, please let me cry with you.

JK & JB: You are more than welcome. We are crying over the victims of gun violence.

TFB: Outside of Chicago.

JK & JB: Repeal the second amendment and ban guns.

JimB: As long as it doesn’t affect my private security detail. I’m all in.

[All four cry together]

MI: Come on people. The calcium from all your tears is staining my suit.

[Jimmy Swaggart enters] 

I have sinned against the Lord!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

JS: Oh please. You call that crying?  I’ll show you crying.

[Swaggart starts crying]

JS: I have sinned against the Lord, Manhattan Infidel.

JK, JB, TFB & JimB: Come join us as we shed tears for victims of gun violence except in Chicago. Help us ban all guns.

JS: Will this affect my private security detail?

MI:That does it. I’m out of here.

I was lucky to get out from under all those tears without drowning. I’m just lucky Anthony Weiner didn’t show up. Does anyone know a good dry cleaner that can remove calcium stains from my suit?

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2 Responses

  1. Msabeads says:

    God damn cry babies!!

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      When elected President my first executive order shall be to sell California back to Mexico. Then they’ll have good reason to cry.

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