Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing a rising star in the Democratic Party. Indeed many consider him the heart, soul and conscience of the Party. I am referring to former comedian and late night host Jimmy Kimmel.
MI: Good afternoon Mr. Kimmel.
JK: [Pause] Tears. My tears flow freely. Flowing tears of tear flowing.
MI: I’m sorry. I’m very gassy.
JK: Pain. Flowing tears.
MI: I blame my diet.
JK: No. My tears flow for the 58 killed in Las Vegas.
MI: Yes that was a tragic event.
JK: Republicans have blood on their hands.
JK: Those 58 are dead because Republicans will not abolish the second amendment. All guns need to be banned. America is a violent, racist country. The most violent and racist country on the face of the Earth.
MI: More violent than Mexico?
JK: [Pause] Tears. Flowing freely. Gun control. It will bring about paradise on Earth. Bump stock. Automatic weapon. Tears.
MI: What about the 60 who get killed every month in Chicago by gunfire? Will you shed tears for them?
JK: No. That’s a stupid question. Chicago is a Democratic city.
MI: So your tears are selective?
JK: How dare you say that. [Pause.] Tears. Flowing.
MI: You say you want to ban the second amendment yet you have an armed security team. Why is your life more important than mine?
JK: Well I’m on television. And rich and white.
JK:[Pause] Tears flowing freely for the victims of gun violence except in Chicago.
[Former Speaker of the House John Boehner arrives]
JB: I heard someone crying. May I join?
JK: Tears flowing freely.
JB: What for?
JK: Victims of Gun violence except in Chicago.
[Boehner starts weeping uncontrollably]
JB: As a member of the Republican branch of the Democratic party what can I do to help?
JK: Repeal the second amendment and confiscate all guns.
JB: Does this include my private security detail?
JB: Tears. Tears flowing freely for victims of gun violence except in Chicago.
MI: Guys can you both stop crying for a second. I have some more questions.
[Tammy Faye Bakker arrives]
TFB: I hear crying. Can I join the two of you?
JK & JB: Sure. Our tears are flowing freely for the victims of gun violence except in Chicago.
TFB: I don’t care what your reasons are. I just want to cry with you.
JK, JB &TFB: Our tears mingle freely for the victims of gun violence except in Chicago.
MI: Okay well I see I’m not going to accomplish much with this interview so I’ll –
[Jim Bakker arrives]
JimB: Please, please let me cry with you.
JK & JB: You are more than welcome. We are crying over the victims of gun violence.
TFB: Outside of Chicago.
JK & JB: Repeal the second amendment and ban guns.
JimB: As long as it doesn’t affect my private security detail. I’m all in.
[All four cry together]
MI: Come on people. The calcium from all your tears is staining my suit.
[Jimmy Swaggart enters]
JS: Oh please. You call that crying? I’ll show you crying.
[Swaggart starts crying]
JS: I have sinned against the Lord, Manhattan Infidel.
JK, JB, TFB & JimB: Come join us as we shed tears for victims of gun violence except in Chicago. Help us ban all guns.
JS: Will this affect my private security detail?
MI:That does it. I’m out of here.
I was lucky to get out from under all those tears without drowning. I’m just lucky Anthony Weiner didn’t show up. Does anyone know a good dry cleaner that can remove calcium stains from my suit?