Gender is a fluid thing

Frosty the Snowman, beloved anthropomorphic talking pile of snow with a corn cob pipe, button nose and two eyes made out of coal, announced today that he self-identifies as gender fluid and wishes to be known as “Frosty the Snow Z/She.”

“This is a difficult and complex world we live in” said the popular Snow Z/She.

We all have to travel the road of life alone with many of our questions unanswered. What is the meaning of life? Is there a god? Why do children love me so much when I never wear any pants? It was while I was pondering these questions that I discovered my conflicted sexuality. I have a man’s voice. Or Bea Arthur’s voice. The kids who follow me around treat me like a male authority figure, albeit one who is naked. But do I feel like a man? That is the question. And the truth is I don’t.

But while not identifying as a man Frosty did not identify as a woman either.

But I didn’t feel like a woman. I mean I had no penis but since when did having a penis define what it means to be a man? Many men have vaginas. Just ask any college kid. So I thought about it. That’s when I decided why settle on one gender? Why can’t I be both?  Or none? Or all 31 scientifically recognized genders? And what is gender but a bourgeois conceit? Yes I said it. The patriarchal paradigm is injuring our kids and forcing them into a binary male/female dynamic! We are restricting our children to a life in black and white! Little Billy is five years old and enjoys playing with GI Joes.  Well those are dolls. It’s a scream from within. He’s saying he wants to put on a dress. Why can’t we put him on hormone blockers so his testicles never drop?  Little Sally is a tomboy who likes wearing jeans and roughhousing. Can’t we have her experiment with wearing a strap on to see if she wants a biological penis? It’s a question of social justice!

Frosty’s new alt-left, Marxist sexual gender philosophy has left many scratching their heads.

“And to think we trusted him with our children” said one parent.

When my daughter first came to me and said “Daddy can I play with the talking snowman who doesn’t wear pants?” I said “Sure, why not.” If you can’t trust your preteen daughter with a pantless man who can you trust her with? But all this gender fluid crap just isn’t normal. I don’t want him around my child anymore!

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Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news

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Beloved, pantless, gender-fluid snow Z/She Frosty has been murdered by enraged parents.

“They attacked him with hair dryers” said an eye witness.

“He melted right before me. His last words were ‘Somebody help me. I’m gender-fluid but that doesn’t mean I want to be liquid.’ “

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A Police file photo of the perp

Heavily-armed SWAT teams from the Whoville police department today shot and killed the Grinch after receiving multiple calls about home invasions on Christmas Eve.

“We took the perp out with extreme prejudice” said the SWAT commander.

The problem began when calls started coming into police headquarters about a green man who had a reindeer who may or may not have been a dog going from house to house stealing items.

Our intel said he was coming down the chimney all stealth-like.  After leaving the chimney he’d ransack the place. He took everything. Why he even took the roast beast! At least that’s what we were told. Naturally we could not let the law-abiding residents of Whoville suffer through terror like that. So we dispatched a SWAT team and told them to investigate and take out the perp. Not dead or alive. Just dead. Whoville has to know the police value their safety and we are willing to shoot into private residences to ensure it.

Whoville police had been on alert since reports came back of activity on Mount Crumpit.

Normally the Grinch doesn’t come down to town. He’s a solitary sort. In fact the last time he was in town he was eating at a diner and a kid threw a rock at him. The Grinch got so angry he had his reindeer, who may or may not be a dog, bite the kid in the ass. So naturally when we heard that he was planning a visit on Christmas Eve we were concerned about the possibility of violence. And violence is one thing we will not tolerate and we will shoot anybody to keep the town non-violent.

Police soon located the Grinch in the home of Cindy Lou Who, who was no more than two.

We used drones to drop some cameras into the house. What we saw disgusted us. Here was this violent anti-social man patting Cindy Lou who on the head. 

The Grinch disgusts us!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who knew where else he intended to pat her. We knew we had to act quickly and violently to restore order to the town. And save Cindy Lou Who too, who was no more than two.

The police then stormed the residence and ordered the Grinch to get on his knees with his hands behind his neck.

Tragically the Grinch did not follow police orders.

We gave him every chance. We kept screaming at him to back away from Cindy Lou Who, who was no more than two, and put his arms behind his head with his fingers interlocked. I mean we screamed at him. We threw percussion grenades at him. Our lasers were pointed at his head. Surely he must have understood our message?

But the Grinch, confused or perhaps high on drugs, did not comply.

That’s when he started yelling “Don’t shoot. My heart has grown three sizes!”  Well cardiomegaly, or an enlarged heart, is a serious medical condition and he has my sympathy but it’s no excuse for committing a crime. So we shot him. Repeatedly. Damn near cut him in two. We had to before he became violent.

As for Cindy Lou Who, who was no more than two, she was taken to police headquarters to be questioned.

“Show us on this doll where the bad Grinch touched you” detectives asked her.

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What do we want? Dental insurance! When do we want it? Now!

With Christmas just around the corner the possibility of labor peace fades as both sides admit negotiations are at a standstill.

“The fat jolly bastard is killing us” admits the elf foreman (pictured here).

No justice no peace!

All the elves want is an agreement that is fair to both sides. No one wants a labor war again. I was here for the last war. We lost good men on both sides. Management goons even broke into my brother’s hotel room on his wedding night and forced him to watch 12 hours of “The View.”  Poor guy hasn’t been able to sustain an erection since. It was brutal I tell you. So yeah no one wants war. But I’m not optimistic. He (Santa) won’t even talk to us until we agree to reduce our hours. He doesn’t want to pay us overtime! But we need the overtime to pay our bills. It’s expensive living in the North Pole since the gentrification.

Sources say the issue that divides the two parties the most is dental insurance.  Santa is refusing to offer any dental insurance while the elves, led by Hermey, a self-taught dental practitioner, insist on insurance and a dental office on factory premises.

“Why would the fat guy deny us this” said the elf foreman

There’s no reason whatsoever. He’s only doing it to flex his muscles and show us that he still has the power. I just don’t get management sometimes. We’re all human. Doesn’t that count as a common bond? Or am I assuming too much by calling management “human.”  It certainly doesn’t look like it sometimes. I’ve thought of killing Santa but elf not kill human. That’s our most sacred tenant.

Some elves are hoping that Mrs. Claus (pictured here)

Religion is the opioid of the masses!

will intercede on their behalf.

She’s on our side. She sympathizes with us, not her husband. She only married him to protect herself. Living in a patriarchal paradigm women have to do what they can to survive. But she doesn’t even sleep in same bed with him. It’s just for appearances.  And I think she’s a communist. Once when I was starting my shift on the factory floor I said hello to her and she waved back and said, “Once we control the means of production the state will wither away.” You may say she’s a dreamer but she’s not the only one. I hope some day to join her and the world will live as one. But that’s just me. We’re not all socialists you know. Some of the elves are Catholic. I think they’re Catholic. I mean they are drunk all the time.

Still not all the elves are keen on more negotiations. Some prefer a more radical approach.

“I’m sneaking into the fat bastard’s bed room and drilling into his teeth” said Hermey.

“I have the tools, the will and the knowledge. I’ve seen Marathon Man 27 times. Laurence Olivier is my hero. I’m going to torture Santa until the motherf*cker gives us what we want!”

(156)

Chicks dig me

Reputed “vile gangster” Jabba the Hutt faces fresh scrutiny after being accused by Princess Leia of “unwanted contact of a sexual nature.”

This is not the first time Hutt has come under surveillance from the Empire’s security forces as he is rumored to be one of the most powerful crime bosses on Tattooine.  He has always escaped jail time due to his connections in high places. However due to the sensitive political climate the sexual harassment claims may be difficult for Hutt to escape.

Princess Leia states that Hutt forced her to wear a metal bikini, pose suggestively for him and submit to forced penetration of her orifices.

“I am a victim and the moral authority of my victimhood deserves to be believed” said the rebel princess.

I was trying to do anything that would get my boyfriend Hans Solo out of the carbonite Jabba had placed him in. I mean that was rough, seeing the man I loved like that. Really rough. On the bright side I didn’t have to put up with him always leaving the toilet seat up. But anyway I went to see Jabba, a vicious, brutal, ruthless smuggler and gangster and I asked him, “Mr. Hutt what can I do to get my boyfriend out of the carbonite? Hutt just laughed and asked me why I wanted him back since he always left the toilet seat up. Funny how he knew that. But I guess you don’t get to be a powerful crime lord without good intel. So I figured he’d ask for money. Instead he makes me wear a metal bikini and puts me on a leash. I could feel his slimy hands and tail all over me. It was disgusting. You know if I wanted to be felt up by a shady fat guy I’d date Val Kilmer.

a fat slimy reputed mobser

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I felt dirty. I felt abused. I felt disgusted. I felt his penis.

Just when Princess Leia thought the worst was over, Hutt began to harass her even more explicitly.

Hi took his penis out and started masturbating in front of me. At least I think he was pleasuring himself. His face looked like he just sucked on a lemon and he was moaning. I didn’t actually see his penis because he’s so fat. But the heavy breathing and funny face? He was masturbating. That’s the only explanation. Or he has asthma. Not that I have anything against people with asthma. As long as they don’t leave the toilet seat up like my carbonite boyfriend Hans Solo.

The former Desilijic-Hutt Cartel, now known as the Desilijic cartel, has announced that Hutt has been fired.

“At the Desilijic Cartel we strive to foster a safe working environment” said a cartel spokeman.

Just because you are being tortured or frozen in carbonite is no reason to put up with harassment. Accordingly we have terminated Mr. Hutt’s employment.

Jabba the Hutt seemed shocked by his termination.

“I mean I made so much money for them. Is this because I kept leaving the toilet seat up?”

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I am ze locksmith of suck it baby

French skunk Pepe Le Pew, long noted for his amorous intentions towards the weaker sex, has been accused by several females of aggressive conduct of a sexual nature and “creating an unsafe, toxic environment.”

One cat’s story is typical.

“He saw me on the street and wouldn’t leave me alone” she said.

He kept following me, trying to embrace me. I kept telling him I just wasn’t interested but he wouldn’t take no for an answer. At one point he grabbed me and tried to stick his tongue down my throat. “We shall make ze beautiful music together, no?” he said while slobbering all over me. Beautiful music together? I think not. My boyfriend is Muslim and wanted to behead him but I said just let it go. I still feel traumatized.

Another cat tells of a disturbing hotel encounter involving Mr. Le Pew.

I’m a very sexy cat if I may say so myself. I work the shows. That’s where I met Pepe. He told me he had contacts in Hollywood that would help my career and if I would come over to his hotel room later to talk about it. Sure why not? Hollywood! So I went to his room and he opened it wearing just a bathrobe that was open. I could see his malodorous skunk junk. Then he starts to rub up against me. “Just be cool and do what I say” he says. “Or you won’t meet George Clooney.” I tried to pull away and ran into the hall. He followed me and said “Come back inside baby. Don’t stand here in the hallway like this. You’re embarrassing me.” He tried to pull me back inside his room. I ran out of the hotel. To this day I don’t feel safe anymore. I’ve stopped being a runway model cat and do nothing but stay at home eating ice cream. It’s all Pepe’s fault!

Despite these allegations Pepe maintains that every encounter is consensual.

I am ze locksmith of love. All ze ladies love to have me. I am a very loving skunk and just want to make ze ladies feel important. I just want to give love to all the ladies I meet. 

He also blamed the misunderstanding on cultural differences between France and the United States.

You Americans are so puritanical and are afraid of sex. In Paris we think nothing of grabbing women in the street and sticking our tongues down their throats. Unless they’re Muslim of course. Those people are crazy!  But here in America it’s a big deal. In France I am known as ze locksmith of unwanted oral penetration. I guess you Americans are just not as sophisticated as we are in Europe. 

Pending the completion of any police investigation into Pepe’s actions his passport has been confiscated.

“I should have stayed in France. Sure I might have been run over or blown up by Muslims but at least I’d get some action first.”

(497)

I hate rabbits

After a thorough investigation by Special Counsel Robert Mueller, Yosemite Sam was charged today with lying to the FBI.

“We asked him point blank if he hated rabbits” said a member of the Special Counsel.

We know he hates rabbits. He won’t admit to it because if he admitted it that would be a hate crime. But not admitting to it would be lying to the FBI. So we had him either way.Naturally we preferred to get him for lying to the FBI, since that is a far greater crime and we could use it to squeeze President Trump. So when he said he had no problem with rabbits we charged his ass immediately. After all we have witnesses that said he called Bugs Bunny a fur-bearing varmint and that he was going to use force against him.

Many have speculated that if President Trump had ordered Yosemite to lie about his hatred of rabbits this could spell the end of Trump’s presidency and the beginning of impeachment proceedings.

“We are building an obstruction of justice case against Trump” said Dianne Feinstein (D-CA).

Everybody knows Trump asked Comey to go easy on Yosemite Sam. Now why would he ask that unless he knew we had the goods on Sam and it would damage Trump politically? He was asking Comey to drop the investigation into Yosemite’s hate crimes. That’s obviously obstruction of justice. I hope Yosemite goes to jail for a long, long time. His kind disgusts me. His love of guns, his toxic patriarchy, his meat-eating. His meat-eating of rabbits. If we can use him to get to Trump, who is the greater threat to our way of life, then so be it.

If convicted of lying to the FBI about his hatred of rabbits Yosemite Sam faces up to 12 years in jail and a fine of $100,000.

Many are speculating that now that he’s been charged, it’s only a matter of time before Yosemite turns on Trump and offers Mueller everything he wants to know.

“Yosemite now has the full weight of the United States government on him” said an FBI source.

And we’re going to do what the United States government does best. Crush private citizens like bugs. For the good of the State. I mean we don’t do this because we enjoy it. Well we do but that’s just secondary. And once Yosemite is crushed and whimpering he’ll give us all the information we need to know. Who cares if what he tells us about Trump is true or not. As long as we can use it to get Trump. Look I know lying to the FBI is a crime, but it’s not a crime to lie to the FBI when the lie is what we want to hear. Then it’s truth. Or something.

Las Vegas has current odds of 7-3 that Trump will be impeached on Yosemite’s testimony.

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