With the Sexual Harassment Apocalypse™ upon us we here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ have been busy trying to cover this crisis from every angle. So using my contacts in DC
eating potato chips on the couch and drinking beer I have been lucky enough to acquire make up the Official Capitol Hill Guide to Sexual Harassment
Greetings Senators and Congressmen and welcome to Capitol Hill. Being in the corridor of power many women will try to sleep with you. Many hot young women in their 20s. In a perfect world (please may socialism cone to the United States!) all these encounters would be consensual. However that is not the case. How can you tell if it’s harassment? Just follow this handy guide.
I have a hot young intern. I want to sleep with her but she’s not into me. What can I do?
- Invite her to your place and excuse yourself to take a shower. Come out of the shower naked. Since she didn’t bring her car (you were smart enough to have her take a train and picked her up at the station) she will have no choice but to consent.
Wow. That’s good advice. Who knew it was so simple? But what do I do with her after I have sex? She’s now a security risk.
- You worry too much. Is her family prominent and politically connected? If so then promote her.
So if she’s politically connected I should promote her?
- Yes. But after only oral penetration.
- Oral penetration is not harassment. In fact it’s the duty of every women to perform oral sex on a senator or congressman.
But won’t I get a bad reputation?
- You’ve spent your entire career on Capitol Hill defending female reproductive freedom. Nothing you can do will give you a bad reputation.
That’s good to know. So as long as I publicly support women’s rights I will get a pass for my private behavior towards women?
- Grope away. Grope away. Fondle. Touch. Your hands will be the hands of equality upon her body.
So far you’ve only mentioned oral sex. What if I want to stick my penis of equality in her warm, inviting vagina?
- Don’t go there. Your interns are politically connected. You have plenty of chances to stick your penis of equality in waitresses at any of our fine DC establishments.
I hadn’t thought of that. I can stick my penis of equality in a waitress?
- Yes. Waitresses are lower middle class and not politically connected. If she goes to the press who are they going to believe? A deplorable or a man with a penis of female rights?
So I shouldn’t worry about harassment then?
- Only if you’re a Republican. Republicans oppose female reproductive freedom. Their penises are not the penises of equality. They have not gained the right to sleep with lower middle class waitresses.
Republicans are bad people!
- They do not belong to the aristocracy of America like we Democrats do.
I like these rules.
- Being a member of the nobility comes with privileges.
There you have it. A real, official document on sexual harassment. One not made up by me.