Jabba the Hutt Accused of Inappropriate Touching!

Chicks dig me







Reputed “vile gangster” Jabba the Hutt faces fresh scrutiny after being accused by Princess Leia of “unwanted contact of a sexual nature.”

This is not the first time Hutt has come under surveillance from the Empire’s security forces as he is rumored to be one of the most powerful crime bosses on Tattooine.  He has always escaped jail time due to his connections in high places. However due to the sensitive political climate the sexual harassment claims may be difficult for Hutt to escape.

Princess Leia states that Hutt forced her to wear a metal bikini, pose suggestively for him and submit to forced penetration of her orifices.

“I am a victim and the moral authority of my victimhood deserves to be believed” said the rebel princess.

I was trying to do anything that would get my boyfriend Hans Solo out of the carbonite Jabba had placed him in. I mean that was rough, seeing the man I loved like that. Really rough. On the bright side I didn’t have to put up with him always leaving the toilet seat up. But anyway I went to see Jabba, a vicious, brutal, ruthless smuggler and gangster and I asked him, “Mr. Hutt what can I do to get my boyfriend out of the carbonite? Hutt just laughed and asked me why I wanted him back since he always left the toilet seat up. Funny how he knew that. But I guess you don’t get to be a powerful crime lord without good intel. So I figured he’d ask for money. Instead he makes me wear a metal bikini and puts me on a leash. I could feel his slimy hands and tail all over me. It was disgusting. You know if I wanted to be felt up by a shady fat guy I’d date Val Kilmer.

a fat slimy reputed mobser








I felt dirty. I felt abused. I felt disgusted. I felt his penis.

Just when Princess Leia thought the worst was over, Hutt began to harass her even more explicitly.

Hi took his penis out and started masturbating in front of me. At least I think he was pleasuring himself. His face looked like he just sucked on a lemon and he was moaning. I didn’t actually see his penis because he’s so fat. But the heavy breathing and funny face? He was masturbating. That’s the only explanation. Or he has asthma. Not that I have anything against people with asthma. As long as they don’t leave the toilet seat up like my carbonite boyfriend Hans Solo.

The former Desilijic-Hutt Cartel, now known as the Desilijic cartel, has announced that Hutt has been fired.

“At the Desilijic Cartel we strive to foster a safe working environment” said a cartel spokeman.

Just because you are being tortured or frozen in carbonite is no reason to put up with harassment. Accordingly we have terminated Mr. Hutt’s employment.

Jabba the Hutt seemed shocked by his termination.

“I mean I made so much money for them. Is this because I kept leaving the toilet seat up?”


2 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    How revolting, and that’s just “Val” Kilmer.

    But I’m surprised you didn’t cover George Stephanopoulous as part of Jabba’s Dwarf Entourage.

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