North Pole Collective Bargaining Talks Stall Over Dental Insurance!

What do we want? Dental insurance! When do we want it? Now!








With Christmas just around the corner the possibility of labor peace fades as both sides admit negotiations are at a standstill.

“The fat jolly bastard is killing us” admits the elf foreman (pictured here).

No justice no peace!

All the elves want is an agreement that is fair to both sides. No one wants a labor war again. I was here for the last war. We lost good men on both sides. Management goons even broke into my brother’s hotel room on his wedding night and forced him to watch 12 hours of “The View.”  Poor guy hasn’t been able to sustain an erection since. It was brutal I tell you. So yeah no one wants war. But I’m not optimistic. He (Santa) won’t even talk to us until we agree to reduce our hours. He doesn’t want to pay us overtime! But we need the overtime to pay our bills. It’s expensive living in the North Pole since the gentrification.

Sources say the issue that divides the two parties the most is dental insurance.  Santa is refusing to offer any dental insurance while the elves, led by Hermey, a self-taught dental practitioner, insist on insurance and a dental office on factory premises.

“Why would the fat guy deny us this” said the elf foreman

There’s no reason whatsoever. He’s only doing it to flex his muscles and show us that he still has the power. I just don’t get management sometimes. We’re all human. Doesn’t that count as a common bond? Or am I assuming too much by calling management “human.”  It certainly doesn’t look like it sometimes. I’ve thought of killing Santa but elf not kill human. That’s our most sacred tenant.

Some elves are hoping that Mrs. Claus (pictured here)

Religion is the opioid of the masses!









will intercede on their behalf.

She’s on our side. She sympathizes with us, not her husband. She only married him to protect herself. Living in a patriarchal paradigm women have to do what they can to survive. But she doesn’t even sleep in same bed with him. It’s just for appearances.  And I think she’s a communist. Once when I was starting my shift on the factory floor I said hello to her and she waved back and said, “Once we control the means of production the state will wither away.” You may say she’s a dreamer but she’s not the only one. I hope some day to join her and the world will live as one. But that’s just me. We’re not all socialists you know. Some of the elves are Catholic. I think they’re Catholic. I mean they are drunk all the time.

Still not all the elves are keen on more negotiations. Some prefer a more radical approach.

“I’m sneaking into the fat bastard’s bed room and drilling into his teeth” said Hermey.

“I have the tools, the will and the knowledge. I’ve seen Marathon Man 27 times. Laurence Olivier is my hero. I’m going to torture Santa until the motherf*cker gives us what we want!”


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