A typical street scene in Oregon today
With rioting stretching into its second week and basic services such as electricity long since suspended much of Oregon has reverted to the wild, with packs of half-feral Oregonians wandering the streets picking through the rubble of their once-proud cities looking for food.
“Look Daddy, a Cheetos. Can I eat it?” asked one nomad, wearing only a cloth to cover her genitals and going by the pack name of “maack-lot-lot.”
The Cheetos in question was actually the severed finger of an Oregonian, no doubt ripped off as the social order broke down.
From Washington DC, President Trump declared that the Federal government was helpless in the face of the widespread looting and cannibalism that had broken out and ordered the borders around Oregon sealed.
“God help us all. And god help anyone still alive in that forsake State” said the President.
The troubles in the former state of Oregon, now known as “The Badlands” began when Governor Kate Brown signed into law a bill requiring Oregonians to pump their own gas. Previously it had been one of two States where this had been illegal.
The breakdown was instantaneous, with many Oregonians refusing to go outside and questioning their belief systems.
“I’ve never pumped gas my entire life” said one.
This sounds like manual labor. We don’t do manual labor in this state. I thought we had evolved beyond that. Manual labor is something the rubes in Idaho and Nevada do. If I’m going to have to pump my own gas then I demand to be paid the prevailing minimum wage of 15 dollars while doing it!
Many Oregonians began stocking up on canned food and shooting anyone that rang their doorbell.
“You’re not taking my 800 pounds of beans you bastards” shouted one man as he fired from his window.
That man in question later killed his wife and children and added them to his baked bean collection.
His story is not unusual.
Soon Oregonians would not travel by daylight, afraid that they’d be easy targets. Instead they’d lay low in caves and coffee bars, sleeping until the sun went down where they’d go out, raping and looting until sunrise.
Sex has replaced the dollar as medium of exchange in The Badlands. Oral sex buys one a meal while vaginal penetration will give a woman a week of protection.
A tiny remnant of Oregonians has refused to succumb to the new world order and has tried to rally their fellow citizens to the old way of life that existed before they were forced to pump their own gas.
“Looting, rape and pillage? Is that what we are all about? We are Oregonians not Washingtonians. Let Seattle loot rape and pillage. We are better than that” one man cried from a street corner.
He was later tragically set upon by roving cannibals and devoured “quicker than Rosie O’Donnell going for a T bone” said an eye witness.
Despite the breakdown of civilization in The Badlands, New Jersey governor-elect Phil Murphy says he plans on signing a similar law forcing New Jersey residents to pump their own gas.
“Yeah I’ve seen what’s happening in Oregon” he said.
“But New Jersey’s already a shithole. We are used to cannibalism, looting, rape and wild fires. How much worse can things get? But I’m confident things won’t get that bad here. After all, it’s not like we are Delaware.”
Delaware governor John Carney could not be reached for comment as he was in the streets of Dover, eating human flesh.
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