Aging, Irrelevant Millionaire Socialist Who Skipped Out on Paying Irish Taxes Has Advice For the Rest of Us!

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Someone please pay attention to me!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Paul David Hewson, stage name Bono, is disturbed by the election of Donald Trump and the direction America is taking.  I recently sat down with Mr. Hewson and allowed him to address his concerns.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Hewson.

PDH: Please, call me Bono.

MI: No.

PDH: Do you like my sunglasses? They are edgy.

MI: No. You look like Hillary Clinton.

PDH: You know when Obama was president no one in America spoke to me like that. I think it’s symptomatic of the new meanness and  selfishness in America today. In the Western world, in our lifetime, there has never been a moment, until very recently, when fairness and equality was not improving. There were setbacks, but it was as if the world was on a trajectory toward fairness and justice and equality for all!

MI:  Okay.

PDH: But then Trump was elected. People’s innocence had died. And a generation that had grown up thinking that the human spirit had a natural evolution toward fairness and justice was learning this might not be the case. My attitude was, ‘OK, good. Now it is time we wake up and realize we can’t take any of this for granted.’ Big primates have been around a lot longer than democracy, and this dude who shall not be named – he is just a new manifestation of that big primate.

MI: Sixty three million people who voted for the “Big primate” as you call him might disagree with your statement.

PDH: Sixty three million American voted for him. Truly sad. Whatever happened to the great country, the compassionate country that used to be America. What happened to the great country that used to fund socialism around the world?

MI: We’re still here. Only now we’re not taking any of your shit.

PDH: You have a post-truth president leading a post-trust country! Listen to me America. I’m Bono! America courses through my veins.

MIDo you pay any taxes in America.

PDH: No of course not.

MI: Do you pay any taxes in Ireland?

PDH: No of course not. Tax rates were too high so we moved to the Netherlands where the tax structure is much more congenial.

MI: Congenial?

PDH: Yes, the taxes are lower and I get to keep more of my money. 

MI: You mean like the recent tax cuts in America that allow people to keep more of their own money?

PDH: [Pause]  Trump is a big primate.

MI:  Would you move back to Ireland if they cut their taxes?

PDH: Of course. In a second.

MI: So aren’t you justifying President Trump’s tax cuts?

PDH: [Pause] He’s a big primate. [Pause] Hey do you have a bathroom I could use?

MI: Right over there.

PDH:  Thanks.

[Paul David Hewson enters bathroom]

PDH: Thanks. I’ve been having these sudden urges to go all the time.  Stop. Start. Stop. Start. God my stream is so weak and dribbly. My doctor says my prostate is the size of Rosie O’Donnell’s stomach.

[Paul David Hewson leaves bathroom]

MI: Now where were we?

PDH: Trump’s demonizing of the press as “fake news” is post-truth!

MI: Where did you get that from?

PDH: CNN.

MI: Of course.

PDH: Excuse me I have to go to the bathroom again.

[Paul David Hewson enters the bathroom]

PDH:  These constant urges are very annoying. And nothing is coming out but dribbles!  Dammit I still haven’t found my strong steady steam. I want to run. I want to hide. I want to reach out and touch a normal-sized prostate, where the urine has no name.

MI: Well that’s about all the time I have.

PDH: You see that’s why we need higher taxes. We need to fund research on reversing prostate growth with age.

MI: If only you still lived in Ireland you could pay the higher taxes to fund that.

[Pause]

PDH: You’re dangerous because you’re honest. Well you left my prostate enlarged like a vacant lot for any dribbling to haunt. Pay more taxes America!  Fund prostate shrinking research!

And so ended my interview with Paul David Hewson (stage name Bono.)

Oh, and one more thing Mr. Hewson:

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