Russia Russia Russia!

The past couple days have left me traumatized and frightened for the future of America. How deep does the Russian conspiracy go? How many Russian Bots are out there? To answer these questions I decided to go straight to the top, to the most powerful and knowledgeable person in the universe. However Bill Nye and Neil DeGrasse Tyson were not available. So I went to God who, while not as knowledgeable as Nye or Tyson, is almost as powerful.

MI: Good afternoon God.

G: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. You know I have watched you and followed you closely from the moment of your birth.

MI: I see. Because you are all knowing and all seeing obviously.

G: Well no. I get email updates on every person on Earth. Lots of email to sort through. I’ll have to get my I.T. department to increase the size of my mailbox. I’m starting to fall behind. Speaking of falling behind are The Beatles still together? God how I love them.

MI:  They broke up.

G: No! What happened?

MI: John married Yoko.

G: Say no more. It’s always women causing problems. What about The Who?

MI: Moon and Entwistle died.

G: Holy crap. Captain and Tennille?

MI: Divorced.

G: Me dammit!  Journey?

MI: Still together.

G: Oh that’s good.

MI: But they have a new lead singer who isn’t Steve Perry.

G: What the hell is going on down there? It’s absolute chaos!

MI: Speaking of chaos you might have heard that the United States is currently embroiled in a controversy over whether Russia colluded with President Donald Trump to interfere in the 2016 election.

G: Wait. Donald Trump is President?

MI: Yes.

G: Don’t know about him. I always liked his wife Ivana, however.

MI: They divorced.

G:  Me dammit! No one tells me anything.

MI: Back to the issue of Russian collusion. It’s causing lots of anger in America. People say we may be headed towards another civil war.

G: Yes. Dissension. Strife. Mankind is prone to these. It’s all the result of that mysterious original sin.

MI: Is there anything we can do?

G: Believe in me. Stay close to the sacraments. Pray and attend mass.

MI: This is good to know. Anything else?

G: Vote Democrat.

MI: Um. What?

G: Voting Democrat is the only way to avoid strife. Always vote Democrat. It’s what God wants. To vote Republican is to do Putin’s job for him.

MI:What are you saying?

G:Voting Republican is doing the will of Russia. Vote Democrat always and impeach Donald Trump.

MI: Wait a minute!

[Manhattan Infidel rips God’s mask off to reveal his metallic skeleton.]  

Russia Russia Russia!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI: You’re a bot!  You’re a goddamn Russian Bot!

G: You have nothing to fear from Vladimir Putin. He is wise and compassionate and brave.

MI: I’m getting the hell out of here.

G:Wait. Before you go can you tell me if Benny Goodman is still touring with his quartet?

MI: All dead.

G:  It’s like I’m blind up here. My I.T. people have to get off their asses and work with me.

And so ended my interview with God. Who, as it turns out, is just another Russian Bot. If nothing else that explains all the damn liturgical dance.

(40)

Russia Russia Russia!

It’s been a very busy week here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™.  Memogate continues to reverberate. In the interests of fair play I have asked John McCain, who opposed releasing the memo, to sit down for an interview.

MI: Good afternoon Senator. Let’s get down to the memo.

JM: I can’t believe my Republican so-called colleagues released this unsubstantiated memo. Dammit by releasing this memo we are doing Putin’s job for him!

MI: Interesting that you should call the memo unsubstantiated since many believe you were the one who gave the Steele Dossier to the FBI in the first place. Why would you give the Dossier to the FBI if you believed it wasn’t true?

[Pause]

MI: Senator McCain? 

Russia Russia Russia!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

JM: This partisanship is costing America. We are all doing Russia’s bidding. Putin is trying to overthrow our Democracy!  And Trump is helping him!  He was elected with Russian help and he’s a Russian tool!

MI: But why are you opposed to the release of the memo?

JM: A couple of reasons. 1. It is partisanship. The Republicans are trying to damage my Democratic colleagues.

MI: But you’re a Republican.

JM: Have you ever seen my voting record?

[Pause]

MI: My bad. You are a Democratic.

JM:  Two. The memo damages our secret organizations such as the CIA, DOJ and FBI.  These groups must be allowed to operate in complete secrecy, unaccountable to the people. If they are held accountable we will be doing Putin’s job for him.

MI: You keep saying that.

JM: And three the memo might garner sympathy for Trump, who is literally Hitler and Putin’s pawn. 

Russia Russia Russia!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Pause]

MI: I’m sorry but is that hydraulic fluid leaking from your forehead?

JM: Stop trying to divert attention to Russian interference in our election. They interfered. They paid their man Trump and now he is President and doing Putin’s job for him. Russia Russia Russia!

MI: That IS hydraulic fluid! What’s happening? Are you okay?

JM: No. My systems have been damaged.

MI: Systems?

[McCain’s skin slides off, revealing his skeletal frame] 

I am your friend. Putin is your friend

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI: Oh my god!  You’re a bot!

JM: You have nothing to fear. We are your friend. Putin is your friend. We only seek to subvert America and turn it into our client state.

MI: Is everybody a Russian bot? You are colluding with Russia!

JM: No. Only Donald Trump is colluding with Russia. He must be taken out.  It is the will of Putin.

MI: Hmm. But if Trump is colluding with Russia why would Putin want him out?  It seems he’d want him to stay in power.

JM: This does not compute. Error. Error. Error.

[McCain Bot explodes, covering Manhattan Infidel completely in Hydraulic fluid]

Oh great. I just washed this sweater. My cat peed all over it. That was bad enough but I’m never going to get these hydraulic fluid stains out.

(61)

I am programmed to mimic human behavior

It has been a very busy weekend with the release of the memo showing that the FBI and DOJ used sources they knew were false to obtain FISA warrants. Here to help me make sense of it all is the ranking Democratic member of the House Intelligence Committee, the honorable Adam Schiff (D-CA).

MI: Good afternoon congressman.

AS:Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. It is a pleasure to be here to answer your questions.

MI: A lot of people are confused as to the significance of the memo, which states that the Department of Justice and the FBI sought and were successful in obtaining a FISA warrant against Carter Page, who was working on the Trump campaign. They used as corroborating evidence the Steele Dossier, the pee pee dossier as it’s known. Steele was paid $160,000 by the DNC and the Clinton campaign, which if nothing else makes one question his motives and truthfulness. The Carter Page FISA warrant also mentions a Yahoo news article by Michael Isikoff as further corroborating evidence of the dossier’s truthfulness whereas in fact this does no such thing since the article is derived from information leaked by GPS co-founder Christopher Steele to Yahoo news. The FISA application states that Steele did not give this information. Steele has admitted to then-Associate Deputy Attorney General Bruce Ohr that, and I am quoting, he “was desperate that Donald Trump not get elected and was passionate about him not being President.” This bias was recorded by Ohr and in official FBI files but not mentioned in the FISA warrant.

AS: [Impatiently] What is your point? This is all Republican trickery designed to expose classified information for their benefit.

MI: May I continue?

AS: If you must.

MI: Former Deputy FBI director Andrew McCabe has stated that no FISA warrant would have been issued without the Steele Dossier even though the Dossier at this point had been proven false and those responsible for the memo had financial and ideological motivations for preventing Trump from becoming President. The Carter Page FISA warrant also mentions Trump campaign adviser George Papadopoulos which triggered a separate investigation by FBI agent Peter Strzok, the same Peter Strzok who was reassigned after improper text messages with his mistress where they show a bias against Trump. He even met with Deputy Director McCabe to discuss an “insurance policy” against Trump’s election.

AS: [More impatiently] What are you trying to say?

MI: Surely all this points to bias and conspiracy at the top levels of our government. 

AS: Lies! All lies by Donald Trump and Republicans to hide their collusion with Russia!

MI: I’m sorry I have to say this. Since I’ve been talking to you I haven’t seen you blink once. 

AS: That’s not possible. I am programmed to mimic all human behavior.

MI: Um, what?

AS:  Russia!  Trump colluded with Russia!

MI: What did you say about mimicking all human behavior?

AS: Curses human. You have found me out!  [Schiff stands up and removes his skin, revealing the robot underneath.]  

This is what a Russian Bot looks like

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI: Oh my god!  You’re a bot!  You’re a – 

AS: Russian Bot. Yes. I was built by my masters in Moscow and designed to infiltrate your weak Republic. All hail the motherland! Rossia – sviashennaia nasha derzhava, Rossia – lubimaia nasha strana! Moguchaia volia, velikaia slava – Tvoio dostoianie na vse vremena! Slavsia, Otechestvo nashe svobodnoe, Bratskikh narodov soiuz vekovoi, Predkami dannaia mudrost’ narodnaia! Slavsia, strana! My gordimsia toboi! 

MI: I have to warn my fellow Americans.

AS: Too late. We are everywhere. Your country is doomed!

If anyone is reading this please help me. I have been taken prisoner by a Russian Bot!

(238)

Please don’t litter on me!

R2-D2 has been found.  The astromech droid originally went missing during the Women’s march almost two weeks ago.

“I thought we had lost him forever” said Luke Skywalker of his droid companion.

The much-loved droid was found in a bar in upper Manhattan near Ft.Tryon park where he had been drinking and attempting to dance on top of the bar.

“I was going to throw him out he was so drunk” said the blonde female Irish bartender.

He looked dangerous in a damaged way. I asked him what had brought him to the lowly state he is in now. He told me a horrifying tale. Truly horrifying. I bought him a few drinks just out of sympathy. No one should have to suffer the way he did.

R2-D2’s troubles began on Saturday January 20th when he was walking along 6th Avenue in Manhattan looking to buy argyle sweaters for his human companion Skywalker.

Unbeknownst to the apolitical droid the 2018 Pussy Hat march was in full swing.

Finding himself surrounded by thousands of overweight, ugly, tattooed lesbians R2-D2 attempted to flee. Unfortunately his size and shape had many of the marchers assuming he was a trash can and he was soon pelted with burning bras, used tampons and fast food.

R2-D2 began frantically trying to tell the women he was not a trash can but was unable to communicate with them in their native language.

His unsuccessful attempts to talk with the oppressed women only enraged them more as they interpreted his distinctive droid speech patterns to be mocking them.

Angered by what they perceived as an attack by the patriarchy several of the marchers began pelting R2-D2 with their menstrual blood.

“Hey ho let’s stain the patriarchy that has to go” they chanted as they smeared the helpless droid.

He was soon knocked over and the crowd of woke feminists began kicking him and pulling on his arms in an attempt to emasculate him.

Screen actress Ashley Judd bent over the terrified droid and yelled at him.

“This nasty woman will not have you body shame my puffy face!”

She then left, feeling good about herself and satisfied that she had given the patriarchy a lethal blow.

Eventually the overweight, oppressed womyn became bored and marched on to destroy the next target of the patriarchy.

Thoroughly traumatized by his experience R2-D2 drifted up Broadway for the next two weeks, depending on the kindness of strangers for food and drink.

Following a lead on his missing droid’s whereabouts Luke Skywalker found him uptown, drunk and hopeless.

“The poor guy’s been through hell” said Skywalker.

Fortunately I have his programming and memories backed  up onto this iomega zip drive. 

click click click

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So I’ll just wipe him first and then restore him minus memories of the past two weeks.  I pride myself on always having backups. I’ve been using zip drives for 20 years and they haven’t let me down yet. Everyone says these drives aren’t reliable but what do they know?

As a familiar “click click click” sound was heard Skywalker realized the truth.

“Ah shit! I wonder if I can buy a replacement droid on Amazon?”

(175)

Sorry my lip is still wet. My car sank

We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ have a mission. And that mission is to provide the facts and only the facts. (Unless of course those facts relate to why I was in an alley last night with two frightened German tourists. And why I was wearing a trench coat.)

Tuesday night our President gave the State of the Union address. Naturally there was a Democratic response. So without further adieu I now present the response of Congressman Joe Kennedy III. (Hey, he’s a Kennedy people!  They are royalty or something!)

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, binary or otherwise. It is a privilege to join you tonight.

Many of my millionaire friends have spent the past year anxious, angry, afraid. We all feel the fault lines of a fractured country. We hear the voices of American millionaires who feel forgotten and forsaken. We hear the voices of white trash deplorables who will no longer vote Democrat.

We see an economy that makes stocks soar, investor portfolios bulge and corporate profits climb but fails to give workers their fair share of the reward. The fair share to be determined by millionaires such as I who won’t have to pay for it.

RUSSIA!  RUSSIA!  RUSSIA!

Russia knee-deep in our democracy.  Though only because the Clintons’ sold them our uranium. What?  I shouldn’t mention that. How’d that make it into the final draft?

Hatred and supremacy proudly marching in our streets. But enough about Black Lives Matters

Bullets tearing through our classrooms, concerts, and congregations. Granted all in Democratic-held inner cities but that’s just a coincidence.

It would be easy to dismiss the past year as chaos. Partisanship. Politics. Rejection of the Democratic party by America.

But it’s far bigger than that. This administration isn’t just targeting the laws that protect us – they are targeting the very idea that we are all worthy of protection. Except for Christian bakers of course.

Their record is a rebuke of our highest American ideal: the belief that we are all oppressed by white privilege. Excepting my family of course who never oppressed anyone. Well except the girl my great uncle Teddy drowned.

RUSSIA!  RUSSIA RUSSIA RUSSIA!

This administration ignores the fact that 65 million Americans are paid Russian bots.

They are turning American life into a zero-sum game.  I like the number zero. It’s the amount of taxes I paid last year.

The parent who lies awake terrified that their transgender son will be beaten and bullied at school is any more or less legitimate than the parent whose heart is shattered by a daughter in the grips of opioid addiction. Though why loving parents would voluntary let their son cut his penis and balls off is beyond me.

So here is the answer Democrats offer tonight:

We choose the living wage by increasing the minimum wage to 15 dollars an hour. I mean sure it means that low paying jobs will be replaced by automation but your son or daughter can still better their lives by majoring in gender studies instead of working at McDonalds.

RUSSIA!  RUSSIA RUSSIA RUSSIA!

There. I said it. Russia stole our election.

We choose pensions that are solvent. Okay we really don’t care if they are solvent as long as the stupid union workers who don’t understand economics keep electing Democrats who don’t understand economics.

We choose the thousands of American communities whose roads aren’t paved with power or privilege. You know, like the driveway in my gated, private estate that is guarded by armed bodyguards.

That is our story. It began the day our Founding Fathers and Mothers, binary or otherwise, set sail for a New World, fleeing oppression and intolerance. I mean sure they brought their slaves with them but only because as members of the elite they couldn’t be expected to do manual labor themselves.

And to all the Dreamers watching tonight, let me be clear: Fregona mis Pisos!  Los quiero senoras immaculadas!

You bravely say, me too, even though you appear almost naked on stage and thrust your hips. You steadfastly say, black lives matter, even though most blacks are killed by fellow blacks.

You drag your weary bodies to that extra shift so your families won’t feel the sting of scarcity. Though once our socialist program is enacted there will be no food in the stores anyway.

RUSSIA!  RUSSIA RUSSIA RUSSIA!

IMPEACH!

Ladies and gentlemen, have faith: In the State I mean. Religion must be driven from the public square.

Thank you, May the benevolence of Washington bless you and your families, and may Washington DC bless the United States of America.

Oh, and stop looking at my lip. The car I was driving to get here ended up in water, okay?

I report the facts and nothing but the facts, people.

(24)

Nothing can stop me now

Today at the worldwide journalistic juggernaut that is Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing the ninth President of the United States, and the first Whig elected to the office, William Henry Harrison.

MI: Good afternoon President Harrison.

WHH: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. It is a pleasure to be here and I thank you for giving me a chance to explain Whig principles and what I hope to accomplish with my Presidency.

MI:  Yes. You are the first Whig president. Many assume you will reverse the economic policies of the Democrats who people blame for our current economic woes.

WHH: As you know the Democrats favor keeping the government out of business and would not even try to help the economy as it suffered. We Whigs believe in the American system. We need a strong series of tariffs so our home grown industries can grow and thrive.

MI: And you intend to actively help our economy?

WHH: Yes. It’s what we Whigs believe in.  [Pause] Cough.

MI: Are you okay?

WHH: Yes. Just a little cough. Nothing serious.

MI: Okay so with Whig economic policies priming the pump of our economy, so to speak, you are confident that an economic turnaround will occur?

WHH:  [Pause]  Cough. Cough.  I’m sorry. I seem to be having a coughing fit.

MI: Are you sure you’re okay?

WHH: Yes fine. My doctors are on it and are treating me with leeches to draw the bad humors away from my body. In fact I have several leeches sucking on my testicles as we speak.

MI: Um. Okay. I didn’t need to know that. Anyway back to Whig principles.

[President Harrison leans forward and projectile vomits on Manhattan Infidel]

WHH: Oh I am so sorry. I seem to have vomited upon you.

MI: Yeah no shit Sherlock. This is f*cking gross.

WHH: I don’t know why I’m not getting better. You’d think with all the leeches I have attached to my testicles and nipples, just sucking away I would feel great. But I think I’m feeling worse.

MI: Do you have a towel or something I can wipe this vomit off me with?

WHH: Oh I wouldn’t worry about a little vomit. My doctors tell me it is harmless.

MI: It doesn’t smell harmless.

WHH: That’s just…..oh god no.

MI: What?

WHH: I just evacuated my bowels. And it’s a liquid evacuation. I can feel the effluvia running down my legs. Excuse me I must loosen my pants.

[President Harrison loosens his pants and drops them.]

WHH: Oh god. Round two!

[A discharge of explosive diarrhea hits Manhattan Infidel in the face] 

MI: Oh come on!  I didn’t sign up for this. Now I’m covered in feces and shit. I look like Miley Cyrus.

WHH:  I’m sorry. I feel like my condition is sinking.

[President Harrison calls his doctors over]

WHH: Please apply more leeches. I want to be covered in leeches all over my body. I want them sucking on every orifice. It’s the only way to draw out the bad humors and ensure my recovery.

MI: If it’s all the same to you I think I’ll go take a long hot shower.

WHH: Do you want any leeches to apply to your testicles?

MI: No.

WHH: They’ll help you. It’s established medical sci – 

[President Harrison projectile vomits and has exploding diarrhea at the same time]

MI:  Eww.

And so ended my interview with the ninth President of the United States. You know, he didn’t look too well. I guess he’ll recover. What’s the worst that can happen?

(53)

Do you want something erased/

The Federal Bureau of Investigation announced today that it will undergo the most extensive rebranding in the organization’s history.

“Let’s face it keeping conservatives under surveillance is a lot of hard, thankless work” said FBI director Christopher Wray.

Tracking down those who oppose the Democratic party, tracking them down and violating their civil rights takes lots of manpower. It’s thankless work and these conservatives have the nerve to complain when they should be lucky to live in a country that tolerates them. So we are officially out of the conservative hunting business. Which I know we weren’t supposed to be in in the first place.  We are supposed to fight crime. People just don’t understand that conservative thought is crime! But I digress.  From now on the FBI will be known as the FBLS or the Federal Bureau of Losing Shit.

Wray went on to discuss the many services that will be available under the new FBLS.

I mean come on. Has anyone even been paying attention to the  news lately?  Erasing things is all we do. You have potentially embarrassing email? Our Pakistani I.T. people will erase all evidence. You have a private server? Our FBLS investigators, who have all been vetted and found to be properly liberal, will take the server and lose it. We don’t ask them how but they are experts at this sort of thing. You want to start a secret society dedicated to the overthrow of our constitutionally elected president and were stupid enough to put it in email?  Our agents at the FBLS will lose any incriminating evidence.

Wray concluded his press conference by explaining how the FBLS will continue the great work of the FBI.

We really should have done this years ago if you think about it.  I mean come on. We’re a government agency. Like all government agencies we aren’t that effective. Lots of overhead stuff like that. Do you know we actually spent one million last year buying  a desktop and printer for my mistress’s penthouse, which is also paid for by the agency? That should tell you how competent we are. But losing, forgetting and erasing stuff? Hell we can do that with out eyes closed.  So in closing America you  have nothing to fear from the FBLS. Unless you’re a conservative that is.

As he was leaving a reporter asked him if the FBLS could help erase the 600 photos of his penis he sent to a woman in the office.

“Yes. Totally. That is in our wheelhouse. We can erase those. Unless the dick pics can be used to embarrass President Trump. In that case for the greater good the photos should be released.”

(52)

I am a man of my word!

With the government shut down due to the man who is literally Hitler, Donald Trump, it is time once again to examine the crowded Democratic field for 2020. Today I look at the candidacy of perhaps the most controversial member of the field, none other than Negan himself.

Pros

• Negan is a charismatic leader and draws followers to him. Valuable in a zombie apocalypse and certainly valuable with Democratic voters, who prize fealty and are willing to subjugate themselves to leaders they can kneel to.
• Negan can swing a baseball bat smoother than American League rookie of the year Aaron Judge.
• Was a car salesman before the zombie apocalypse. This proves he can sell, sell, sell and will be able to sell America on his brand of benevolent socialism.
• Speaking of socialism, Negan wants “half your shit. … Give me the portion of your shit that I want, or I will kill you or have you killed.”
• Giving Negan 50 percent of your shit is compassionate and fits in with the Democratic Party’s long history of compassion.
• Unlike many Democrats who favor open borders, Negan knows how to treat those who enter his territory illegally as seen on this surveillance tape:

Cons

• Known to have many female lovers which would make him susceptible to blackmail from Russia.
• His anti-immigrant stance (see above video) may make it hard for him to win many primaries much less the nomination.
• Is not a real person but imaginary.
• Though to be fair, Barack Obama was also made up. So perhaps being imaginary would not hurt him that much after all.
• His love of socialism (taking “half your shit”) and his smashing of skulls to a pulp can be spun by those tricky Republicans into negative ads portraying him as lacking compassion. He’s a Democrat people. He IS compassion!
• Is untested politically and will make tactical errors (like being filmed smashing someone’s skull to a pulp).
• No one knows if he is pro-abortion. This is necessary for any Democratic to win the nomination.
• Prefers Greek yogurt to regular yogurt.
• Rumored to put pineapple on his pizza (a sign of mental illness).

Negan will no doubt be a controversial candidate who will act as a lightning rod. While many will vote for him there are also those who will oppose him no matter what.

Once again, I leave the decision on who to vote for in the hands of my readers.

(56)