Nothing can stop me now

Today at the worldwide journalistic juggernaut that is Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing the ninth President of the United States, and the first Whig elected to the office, William Henry Harrison.

MI: Good afternoon President Harrison.

WHH: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. It is a pleasure to be here and I thank you for giving me a chance to explain Whig principles and what I hope to accomplish with my Presidency.

MI:  Yes. You are the first Whig president. Many assume you will reverse the economic policies of the Democrats who people blame for our current economic woes.

WHH: As you know the Democrats favor keeping the government out of business and would not even try to help the economy as it suffered. We Whigs believe in the American system. We need a strong series of tariffs so our home grown industries can grow and thrive.

MI: And you intend to actively help our economy?

WHH: Yes. It’s what we Whigs believe in.  [Pause] Cough.

MI: Are you okay?

WHH: Yes. Just a little cough. Nothing serious.

MI: Okay so with Whig economic policies priming the pump of our economy, so to speak, you are confident that an economic turnaround will occur?

WHH:  [Pause]  Cough. Cough.  I’m sorry. I seem to be having a coughing fit.

MI: Are you sure you’re okay?

WHH: Yes fine. My doctors are on it and are treating me with leeches to draw the bad humors away from my body. In fact I have several leeches sucking on my testicles as we speak.

MI: Um. Okay. I didn’t need to know that. Anyway back to Whig principles.

[President Harrison leans forward and projectile vomits on Manhattan Infidel]

WHH: Oh I am so sorry. I seem to have vomited upon you.

MI: Yeah no shit Sherlock. This is f*cking gross.

WHH: I don’t know why I’m not getting better. You’d think with all the leeches I have attached to my testicles and nipples, just sucking away I would feel great. But I think I’m feeling worse.

MI: Do you have a towel or something I can wipe this vomit off me with?

WHH: Oh I wouldn’t worry about a little vomit. My doctors tell me it is harmless.

MI: It doesn’t smell harmless.

WHH: That’s just…..oh god no.

MI: What?

WHH: I just evacuated my bowels. And it’s a liquid evacuation. I can feel the effluvia running down my legs. Excuse me I must loosen my pants.

[President Harrison loosens his pants and drops them.]

WHH: Oh god. Round two!

[A discharge of explosive diarrhea hits Manhattan Infidel in the face] 

MI: Oh come on!  I didn’t sign up for this. Now I’m covered in feces and shit. I look like Miley Cyrus.

WHH:  I’m sorry. I feel like my condition is sinking.

[President Harrison calls his doctors over]

WHH: Please apply more leeches. I want to be covered in leeches all over my body. I want them sucking on every orifice. It’s the only way to draw out the bad humors and ensure my recovery.

MI: If it’s all the same to you I think I’ll go take a long hot shower.

WHH: Do you want any leeches to apply to your testicles?

MI: No.

WHH: They’ll help you. It’s established medical sci – 

[President Harrison projectile vomits and has exploding diarrhea at the same time]

MI:  Eww.

And so ended my interview with the ninth President of the United States. You know, he didn’t look too well. I guess he’ll recover. What’s the worst that can happen?

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