I am programmed to mimic human behavior

It has been a very busy weekend with the release of the memo showing that the FBI and DOJ used sources they knew were false to obtain FISA warrants. Here to help me make sense of it all is the ranking Democratic member of the House Intelligence Committee, the honorable Adam Schiff (D-CA).

MI: Good afternoon congressman.

AS:Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. It is a pleasure to be here to answer your questions.

MI: A lot of people are confused as to the significance of the memo, which states that the Department of Justice and the FBI sought and were successful in obtaining a FISA warrant against Carter Page, who was working on the Trump campaign. They used as corroborating evidence the Steele Dossier, the pee pee dossier as it’s known. Steele was paid $160,000 by the DNC and the Clinton campaign, which if nothing else makes one question his motives and truthfulness. The Carter Page FISA warrant also mentions a Yahoo news article by Michael Isikoff as further corroborating evidence of the dossier’s truthfulness whereas in fact this does no such thing since the article is derived from information leaked by GPS co-founder Christopher Steele to Yahoo news. The FISA application states that Steele did not give this information. Steele has admitted to then-Associate Deputy Attorney General Bruce Ohr that, and I am quoting, he “was desperate that Donald Trump not get elected and was passionate about him not being President.” This bias was recorded by Ohr and in official FBI files but not mentioned in the FISA warrant.

AS: [Impatiently] What is your point? This is all Republican trickery designed to expose classified information for their benefit.

MI: May I continue?

AS: If you must.

MI: Former Deputy FBI director Andrew McCabe has stated that no FISA warrant would have been issued without the Steele Dossier even though the Dossier at this point had been proven false and those responsible for the memo had financial and ideological motivations for preventing Trump from becoming President. The Carter Page FISA warrant also mentions Trump campaign adviser George Papadopoulos which triggered a separate investigation by FBI agent Peter Strzok, the same Peter Strzok who was reassigned after improper text messages with his mistress where they show a bias against Trump. He even met with Deputy Director McCabe to discuss an “insurance policy” against Trump’s election.

AS: [More impatiently] What are you trying to say?

MI: Surely all this points to bias and conspiracy at the top levels of our government. 

AS: Lies! All lies by Donald Trump and Republicans to hide their collusion with Russia!

MI: I’m sorry I have to say this. Since I’ve been talking to you I haven’t seen you blink once. 

AS: That’s not possible. I am programmed to mimic all human behavior.

MI: Um, what?

AS:  Russia!  Trump colluded with Russia!

MI: What did you say about mimicking all human behavior?

AS: Curses human. You have found me out!  [Schiff stands up and removes his skin, revealing the robot underneath.]  

This is what a Russian Bot looks like

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI: Oh my god!  You’re a bot!  You’re a – 

AS: Russian Bot. Yes. I was built by my masters in Moscow and designed to infiltrate your weak Republic. All hail the motherland! Rossia – sviashennaia nasha derzhava, Rossia – lubimaia nasha strana! Moguchaia volia, velikaia slava – Tvoio dostoianie na vse vremena! Slavsia, Otechestvo nashe svobodnoe, Bratskikh narodov soiuz vekovoi, Predkami dannaia mudrost’ narodnaia! Slavsia, strana! My gordimsia toboi! 

MI: I have to warn my fellow Americans.

AS: Too late. We are everywhere. Your country is doomed!

If anyone is reading this please help me. I have been taken prisoner by a Russian Bot!

(233)