Sorry my lip is still wet. My car sank

We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ have a mission. And that mission is to provide the facts and only the facts. (Unless of course those facts relate to why I was in an alley last night with two frightened German tourists. And why I was wearing a trench coat.)

Tuesday night our President gave the State of the Union address. Naturally there was a Democratic response. So without further adieu I now present the response of Congressman Joe Kennedy III. (Hey, he’s a Kennedy people!  They are royalty or something!)

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, binary or otherwise. It is a privilege to join you tonight.

Many of my millionaire friends have spent the past year anxious, angry, afraid. We all feel the fault lines of a fractured country. We hear the voices of American millionaires who feel forgotten and forsaken. We hear the voices of white trash deplorables who will no longer vote Democrat.

We see an economy that makes stocks soar, investor portfolios bulge and corporate profits climb but fails to give workers their fair share of the reward. The fair share to be determined by millionaires such as I who won’t have to pay for it.

RUSSIA!  RUSSIA!  RUSSIA!

Russia knee-deep in our democracy.  Though only because the Clintons’ sold them our uranium. What?  I shouldn’t mention that. How’d that make it into the final draft?

Hatred and supremacy proudly marching in our streets. But enough about Black Lives Matters

Bullets tearing through our classrooms, concerts, and congregations. Granted all in Democratic-held inner cities but that’s just a coincidence.

It would be easy to dismiss the past year as chaos. Partisanship. Politics. Rejection of the Democratic party by America.

But it’s far bigger than that. This administration isn’t just targeting the laws that protect us – they are targeting the very idea that we are all worthy of protection. Except for Christian bakers of course.

Their record is a rebuke of our highest American ideal: the belief that we are all oppressed by white privilege. Excepting my family of course who never oppressed anyone. Well except the girl my great uncle Teddy drowned.

RUSSIA!  RUSSIA RUSSIA RUSSIA!

This administration ignores the fact that 65 million Americans are paid Russian bots.

They are turning American life into a zero-sum game.  I like the number zero. It’s the amount of taxes I paid last year.

The parent who lies awake terrified that their transgender son will be beaten and bullied at school is any more or less legitimate than the parent whose heart is shattered by a daughter in the grips of opioid addiction. Though why loving parents would voluntary let their son cut his penis and balls off is beyond me.

So here is the answer Democrats offer tonight:

We choose the living wage by increasing the minimum wage to 15 dollars an hour. I mean sure it means that low paying jobs will be replaced by automation but your son or daughter can still better their lives by majoring in gender studies instead of working at McDonalds.

RUSSIA!  RUSSIA RUSSIA RUSSIA!

There. I said it. Russia stole our election.

We choose pensions that are solvent. Okay we really don’t care if they are solvent as long as the stupid union workers who don’t understand economics keep electing Democrats who don’t understand economics.

We choose the thousands of American communities whose roads aren’t paved with power or privilege. You know, like the driveway in my gated, private estate that is guarded by armed bodyguards.

That is our story. It began the day our Founding Fathers and Mothers, binary or otherwise, set sail for a New World, fleeing oppression and intolerance. I mean sure they brought their slaves with them but only because as members of the elite they couldn’t be expected to do manual labor themselves.

And to all the Dreamers watching tonight, let me be clear: Fregona mis Pisos!  Los quiero senoras immaculadas!

You bravely say, me too, even though you appear almost naked on stage and thrust your hips. You steadfastly say, black lives matter, even though most blacks are killed by fellow blacks.

You drag your weary bodies to that extra shift so your families won’t feel the sting of scarcity. Though once our socialist program is enacted there will be no food in the stores anyway.

RUSSIA!  RUSSIA RUSSIA RUSSIA!

IMPEACH!

Ladies and gentlemen, have faith: In the State I mean. Religion must be driven from the public square.

Thank you, May the benevolence of Washington bless you and your families, and may Washington DC bless the United States of America.

Oh, and stop looking at my lip. The car I was driving to get here ended up in water, okay?

I report the facts and nothing but the facts, people.

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