I’m a protocol droid. I am innocent of these allegations

C-3PO, a protocol droid built by Anakin Skywalker has been accused of sexual harassment by several women in the Rebel Alliance.

“I was taking a shower after a long day of killing Stormtrooper scum” said one Alliance fighter who wishes to remain anonymous.

When I got out of the shower I saw C-3PO standing there. I didn’t think anything of it at first. There are always droids hanging around.  But he kept following me, gazing at me and watching me dress. If he weren’t a droid I’d swear he was lusting after me. But then he started moving his arm. I thought he was having an issue with his hydraulics but he was mimicking masturbating. That’s when he said “Once you have droid you never go back, baby.” Look I know we are at war and any of us may die at any second and that allowances for behavior have to be made but that was borderline assault. I do not do droids! Unless they have tattoos that is.

Because of C-3PO’s contributions to the Rebel Alliance the incident was hushed up and he was reassigned.

However it was not long before C-3PO found himself in trouble again.

“He kept asking me to touch him” said a female officer.

That was disturbing enough. But he also kept saying he was “all shiny and hard for me.”  I felt threatened and scared. I didn’t know what to do. He knows Skywalker! So I let the harassment continue. I was filled with shame but what’s a girl to do? He invited me to his quarters and when I arrived he was wearing a bathrobe. It was open. He let it fall to the floor. “I  polished my private parts just for you. Now I’m going to do you like Gary did Lisa in Team America!” He rubbed his polished, hard, throbbing metallic body up against me. I wanted to resist but I was frightened by the power imbalance and consented. After it was all over he said he was going to introduce me to his friend R2D2.  “You’re going to ride him and we will do some freaky shit together.”  When he left I cried.

Eventually the Rebel Alliance was forced to conduct an internal investigation.  C-3PO was asked to resign from the Rebel Alliance or face formal charges.

After resigning C-3PO released a statement that said in part “I am deeply ashamed of my actions.”

Sexual harassment has zero place in the Rebel Alliance. I apologize to the many women I have mistreated, especially the woman who was trapped for 12 hours under me when my hydraulics went offline. I now realized my actions were wrong. I am entering a Droid sex rehab center to seek treatment for my sickness. Thank you, success to the Rebel Alliance and kill all Stormtrooper scum!

Until the root cause of the droid sexual harassment epidemic is found and rectified the Rebel Alliance is barring all droids from serving.

“I thought Han Solo was sexually adventurous but these droids put him to shame” said Luke Skywalker.

(45)