What do we want? Social justice! And we are going to lecture you until your head explodes

The National Football League, once the most powerful, most-watched and most popular of  professional sports has decided to commit suicide and will establish a joint owner-player committee on social justice.

“I think one thing we can all agree on is the public likes it when athletes with felony convictions lecture them” said Commissioner Roger Goodell.

And if it’s one thing the NFL has it’s a lot of people with felony convictions. We have rapists, murderers, wife beaters, murdering rapist wife beaters. And what do all these people have in common? The lack of social justice that exists in America today. That’s why our players committed these acts of murder, rape and wife beating. They were outraged over their treatment by a institutionally racist America. Imagine how angry you’d be as a multimillionaire if the common American who is serving your dinner mixes up your wine order. This type of insidious racism is what we need to dialogue about in the United States today.

As part of the NFL’s new social justice program each game next year will start a minute of silence in memory of the black men currently incarcerated in America.

The numbers of black men behind bars in America is shocking and inexcusable. Does white America enjoy putting the black man in jail? Is it racism or a power trip or a combination of the two?  As a rich, powerful white man I sympathize with our rich, powerful black players.  How can a running back focus on the field when he knows there are brothers behind bars for victimless crimes like burning their children alive or raping a grandmother? Are these so-called crimes inherently evil or a bourgeois construct used by the race in power?

Also included in the new social justice dialogue there will be former NFL players (those not currently in jail) who will be at concession stands throughout stadiums next year.

Let’s say a customer asks for a beer. Our ex-player volunteer will give him the beer and ask to dialogue with said customer. After all in the NFL front office we feel that those who go to our games will welcome a dialogue on social justice issues and will gladly forgo alcoholic consumption for the chance to “woke” their consciences. We ran a test on this interaction and we are proud to report it went very well.  Here is the footage from our test:

Customer: I’d like a beer.

Former NFL Player:  F*ck you whitey!

Customer: Um, I’d just like to have a beer.

Former NFL Player: Your ancestors enslaved my ancestors!

Customer: Is there another line I can get on to get a beer?

Former NFL Player: I should kill you!

Customer:  Is your supervisor available?

Former NFL Player: Why don’t you want to dialogue with me?

As to concerns that the NFL’s concentration on social justice will leader to a further decline in ratings, Goodell denied any link between the two.

“I’m told that the commoner who watches football is often obese. If the remote is on the other side of the room he might be too lazy to get it. They are also stupid and probably forget what time the game is on. That is the only explanation for lower ratings. Not our compassionate desire to better the lives of our viewers through social justice.”

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