Can we start by eliminating vegan bump stocks?

In the week since Nasim Aghdam opened fire at Youtube’s headquarters America has once again had to confront its dark past of unfettered veganism.

Many questions have been asked. Why does this keep happening? What can we do to stop it?  Damn the NRA and white men!  Wait what?  The shooter was a Persian female vegan?  This won’t fit the narrative.

Now naturally not all vegans are lunatics and killers (some are upstanding citizens who even vote Democrat).

But we here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ feel that pants should be optional it is time for a frank and honest dialogue in America about Vegan control.

What specifically is Vegan control?  While we respect the Constitution and consider it a living, breathing document we have to admit that the second and a half amendment (“A woke militia, being necessary for the security of a socialist state, the right of upper middle class urban white people to keep and bear Vegan dainties shall not be infringed“) was written in a less technologically developed time and it has no relevance for today.

Hence it is time for full blown Vegan control. Now I want Vegan activists to relax, take a deep breath and stop with the heated rhetoric. No one wants to take away your Vegan dainties. At least not until we can repeal that loathsome amendment.

But in the meantime we can institute the following common sense Vegan control measures:

• A Federal Vegan database. This way when a vegan goes on a rampage we can quickly identify possible future culprits.
• A seven day waiting period before a vegan is allowed to buy kale. (And who can possibly object to this? Just think of the lives it will save!)
• A ban on so-called “assault” vegan foods.
• A Vegan “safe act” where vegans will have to keep their vegan delicacies under lock and key.
• Vegans will have to pay 1000 dollars and get three references before they obtain a Vegan license.
• Those deemed mentally deficient by the State shall be denied a Vegan license.
•  A ban on so-called Vegan “bump stocks” that allow cold-blooded Vegans with malice in their hearts to consume Vegan food at a faster clip.
•  And finally, Vegans shall be prohibited from transferring their Vegan dainties to other citizens.

I believe these common sense measures willl save the lives of many and prevent future Vegan massacres.

I know there are those Vegans who say “You can pry my Vegan dainties from my cold, dead hands.”

Well I say, “Bring it on!”

If you disagree with me you’re a terrorist with the blood of children on your hands. (At least the blood from their bowel movements as they try to pass that kale crap.)

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Do you, er, do it nude?

Embattled and unpopular President John Quincy Adams, the son of embattled and unpopular President John Adams had his Presidency further tarnished when he was caught swimming naked in the Potomac River.

“I was whipping my slave when I caught sight of the President taking his clothes off by the river” said one Washington D.C. resident.

I was so shocked I stopped whipping my slave! I consider myself a progressive man. I’m a Democrat you see but this just cannot be tolerated. If the President of the United States can be a public nudist then what is the point of having any minimum standards of decency? If President Adams is going to strut around in his birthday suit then what’s the point of our domestic institutions? I follow the law and constrain my appetites. I hardly ever whip my slaves more than 39 times at once. Tradition and decency you know. But the President has abandoned all decency. Why even have slaves anymore? God is dead. Chaos rules. Even my slave, after seeing the President naked, is beginning to doubt our divine institution. He might want freedom and vote Whig!

This isn’t the first scandal to strike the Adams administration. His Vice President John C. Calhoun (pictured here)

Yes this is my real hair!

has recently been caught up in “Toupee Gate” as it’s now known.

“This is my real hair” said the angry Calhoun.

Real. Hair. Not a wig. Real hair. So stop trying to yank it off my head. That’s just rude.  I don’t know why toupee glue keeps getting delivered to my house. I blame my slaves. I might have to whip a few of them. You northerners are just jealous of my thick mane of totally real hair. And no I’m not a time traveler from the 21st Century called “Kevin Bacon.” 

Not John C. Calhoun

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t know how those rumors start. So to recap. Real hair. Totally real. Toupee glue? I blame my slaves. Northerners are jealous of my hair and I am not a time traveler. I hate the 19th century. Can’t find a WiFi signal anywhere. What?  You didn’t hear that.

President Adams Secretary of State Henry Clay (picture here)

Totally not a time traveler

defends the administration and says that if the President wants to swim nude in the Potomac that is his business.

“Doesn’t the press have better things to do than pry into the private life of a president” he said.

Oh well. I guess it could be worse. At least they aren’t looking into my suspicious resemblance to Adam West. 

His Batman was very underrated

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes I know Adam West won’t be born for another 100 years but that does not prove I’m a time traveler. Though I must say his Batman is very underrated. It’s the best interpretation of the character really.

As for President Adams he remains defiant and promises to continue swimming naked in the Potomac.

“My enemies are just jealous of my refined puritan genitalia” he told reporters.

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Facts!

Since the Masters of America in the MSM have decided that the children must now lead and since the aforementioned kids showed such stunning ignorance of the reasons for the 2nd amendment we here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel decided to find out exactly what kids are being taught in school.

Presented for your edification is a typical U.S. history test taught in our public schools today.

What did the Mayflower Compact do?

1. Set up a framework of self-government among the Pilgrims
2. Granted the pilgrims the ability to make currency
3. Set up so-called legal justification for genocide against the native Americans
4. The Mayflower Compact was written by white men as such we will not waste our time studying it

What is Mercantilism?

1. The belief that a nation should export more than it imports
2. The belief that a nation should tax it colonies highly while taxing those in the mother country much less
3. What’s wrong with higher taxes? They pay for our social safety net
4. Mercantilism is not socialism therefore it is evil

Who wrote the Federalist Papers?

1. Thomas Jefferson
2. Alexander Hamilton, James Madison and John Jay
3. The guy who wrote the Davinci Code
4. Jay Z

The Whig Party was formed in opposition to which President?

1. Andrew Jackson
2. James Knox Polk
3. Donald Trump
4. We are part of the resistance.  Impeach Trump!

What is the 14th Amendment?

1. Granted citizenship to African Americans
2. It abolished the 2nd Amendment
3. No seriously. We need to abolish the 2nd amendment
4. Guns were invented by white people. This makes them evil

What did W.E.B. Du Bois believe was the key to social change for African Americans?

1. Higher education
2. Vocational skills
3. Socialism
4. Reparations

Which of the following states dos not have any land acquired in the Louisiana Purchase?

1. Missouri
2. Nebraska
3. All states were purchased illegally by raping the native Americans
4. The United States is a racist nation. Only socialism can absolved it of its sins

I scored 100 percent. I believe we are in good hands and can trust the younger generation to lead us.

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Give me what I want or I’ll cry!

George Washington. Abraham Lincoln. Martin Luther King. David Hogg. Four of the greatest heroes in American history. All sought to extend human freedom.  Washington for the 13 colonies. Lincoln for slaves. Martin Luther King for blacks. David Hogg for the ratings of CNN.

It is my great pleasure to interview once again David Hogg. Yes I know I interviewed him three days ago but when one is in the presence of greatness one dips at the well as often as one can.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Hogg.

DH: Hey I know you. You let me get raped three days ago! That’s not fair.

MI: Not fair?

DH: Yes. Usually I’m the one doing the raping. Under classmen. Occasionally school security officers.

MI: That explains why the security guards wouldn’t go in the school during the shooting. Anyway I understand you have a new cause you are passionate about.

DH: Yes. School officials at my high school want students to wear clear backpacks.

MI: Clear backpacks?

DH: Yes. They claim it will make us safer. But it won’t do that. All it will do is violate our constitutional rights.

MI: Violate your constitutional rights?

DH: Yes. I’m passionate about the Constitution.

MI: Then why are you opposed to the rights of Americans to carry a gun.

DH: Tell me where it is written in the Constitution that people can carry guns?

MI: Um. The second amendment.

DH:  I’m not familiar with that. Is that the one that says we have the right to wear non-clear backpacks to school. Because I’m passionate about that.

MI: The second amendment states that “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

DH: The NRA has blood on its hands.

MI: What happened?

DH:What?

MI: Your chin. It seems to be getting smaller.

DH: Dammit. He said this wouldn’t happen!

MI: Who?

DH: They guy I sold my soul to for gun control.

MI: You sold your soul?

DH: Yes. To Satan And the guy said all I had to do was say anti NRA stuff and my chin would grow back. But it’s not growing back. It’s getting smaller!

MI: It’s almost like Satan lied!

[Satan enters] 

We must take away all the guns

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Satan: David you fool I told you not to mention my involvement in the gun control movement.

DH: But my chin!  You said it would grow. It’s getting smaller!

Satan: Come with me David.  You’ve violated the deal. I have to take you to Hell.

DH: But I don’t want to go to Hell.

Satan: You already live in Florida. Isn’t that close enough?

DH: I don’t want to go to Hell!

Satan:We have Tide Pods!

DH: Oh Satan you know I can’t say no to you!

[Satan and David Hogg leave for Hell}

MI: Okay then. I’ll just close this interview.

David Hogg. American hero. Satanist. Tide Pod eater. The greatest American of his generation.

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I know stuff but tests are hard!

When Cynthia Nixon, best known as the actress from Sex and the City no one wanted to see naked, announced that she was running for governor of New York there arose opposition from fellow lesbians who pointed out that she was unqualified.

“Cynthia Nixon may be a lesbian but she is unqualified” said certified lesbian and former New York City Council speaker Christine Quinn (pictured here).

No one wants to see me naked!

I on the other hand am a totally qualified and certified lesbian. There is more to being a lesbian than just being overweight, ugly and no one wanting to see you naked. Granted that is an important part of being a lesbian but there is so much more. That’s why I took my lesbian certifications. I took them and passed the tests. The test covers a lot of knowledge that lesbians need to know from setting up switches and routers to is antiquing a tool of the patriarchy to pre-op transsexuals: Lesbians or just chicks with dicks. This is important information lesbians need to know. Granted no one wants to see Cynthia Nixon naked and that is very important in establishing that one is a lesbian. But it’s only a beginning. I cannot support Cynthia Nixon for governor until she becomes qualified. Do you know the damage one unqualified lesbian can do? The more society is exposed to unqualified lesbians the more they think we are like the lesbians they see in porn movies. Those lesbians you actually want to see naked. Not like we real, qualified lesbians.

Responding to Quinn’s criticism, Nixon acknowledged that she lacked lesbian certification but said she makes up for it in practical, real world situations.

Yes I am technically unqualified. But in my defense I’ve never been good at tests. But if it is that important to the voters I will become qualified if elected. The only thing I haven’t decided is whether to become a Certified Lesbian Administrator or a go for the Certified Lesbian Engineer cert. Now back to my point. What I lack in certs I make up in real world experience. No one wants to see my naked. No one. Sarah Jessica Parker didn’t want to see me naked. Neither did Kim Cattrall or Kristen Davis. Mr. Big didn’t want to see me naked. I used to wander around the set asking people if they wanted to see me naked. They all refused. The prop master even threw up. Hell even my wife doesn’t want to see me naked. So to recap yes I have no certifications but more importantly no one wants to see me naked. And that’s the sign of a real qualified lesbian. And are the voters of New York going to elect a high-falutin’ fake certified lesbian or a real lesbian. A middle aged, frumpy, slightly overweight lesbian that no one wants to see naked? I am that woman!

New York’s presiding governor, Andrew Cuomo, when asked about a Nixon candidacy stated that he supports the right of lesbians to not be seen naked.

“I identify with Nixon. Just yesterday I asked my Lieutenant Governor if she wanted to see me naked. She said no. So you see I can relate. No one wants to see me naked either. Crap. I think I may be a lesbian.”

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There is no end to the damage gun nuts can do!

Dateline: Massachusetts, April 20, 1775

Tragedy struck the colony of Massachusetts yesterday as His Majesty’s troops, on a brave mission to take dangerous assault muskets out of the hands of middle class white men, were fired upon by said disaffected white men. Many of His Majesty’s troops have been killed or wounded, throwing the colony into chaos.

While reports are still sketchy and the situation is fluid, here is what we at Ye Olde New Yorke Times know so far:

• There was an illegal arms dump somewhere near the towns of Lexington and Concord.
• Said arms dump contained multiple assault muskets, otherwise known as weapons of war.
• Said arms constituted a threat to all civilized society.
• The King, acting on the wishes of his elite colonists ordered the seizure of the muskets of war from the middle class farmers of Massachusetts.
• Said farmers are not part of the aristocracy.

It should be obvious to every intelligent colonist that private ownership of guns is a hazard to His Majesty.

We at Ye Old New Yorke Times deplore gun violence and extend our thoughts and prayers to the soldiers killed in yesterday’s mass shooting.

What should be apparent to all right-thinking intelligent individuals is that there is a class of citizen that is permanently disaffected with benevolent English rule. A class of citizens that refuses to pay their taxes. Taxes we need to build roads and provide other services.

This permanently disaffected class of citizens is composed primarily of middle class white men. Rural middle class white men. White men who have not taken advantage of new opportunities and moved to urban areas to learn trades. Trades that could have lifted them above the poverty level.

Instead they stubbornly remain in sparsely populated rural areas content in their backwardness. For as everyone knows farming takes little skill or mental aptitude.

Self-conscious of their backwardness and stuck in their dying lifestyle these white men cling to guns and religion.

Fearful that life has passed them by their gun culture turns increasingly violent and anti-state.

The time has come for us to not mollycoddle these gun nuts.

They are a dangerous pestilence upon peaceful British society.

Let there be no mistake. We are not seeking to take their guns away, only to make it harder for violent lower to middle class white people to buy additional guns.

That is why Ye Olde New Yorke Times calls for a March for Life against gun violence to be held across all 13 colonies this May 31st.

Together let us march and say no more to gun violence!

Our children’s future is at stake!

The Editorial Board of Ye Olde New Yorke Times.

Subscribe ye now and get ye ten issues free!

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Give me what I want or I’ll cry!

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing David Hogg, the charismatic, voluble and sex-symbol handsome young white minor who has become the spokeschild of those who wish to limit the freedom of Americans.

MI: Good afternoon Mr.  Hogg.

[Silence]

MI: I said good afternoon Mr. Hogg.

DH: What? Oh hello. I wasn’t paying attention to you. You’re old and I don’t pay attention to old people. They have f*cked up this country. It’s time for we kids to right the ship. You old people f*ck everything up.

MI: Excuse me?

DH: You f*cking old piece of shit! It’s up to the children now to lead.

MI:  I see. Don’t eat the Tide pods.

DH: Don’t change the subject. Besides, Tide pods look like candy. Anyone can make that mistake.

MI: No one needs a tide pod. Tide pods didn’t exist when the Constitution was written. Tide pods are assault pods.

DH: Whatever old man. The kids have to take over the country. It’s like when your old ass parents are like “I don’t know how to send an iMessage,” and you’re like “Give me the f*cking phone” and you get it done in a second. Sadly that’s what we have to do with our government because our parents don’t know how to use a f*cking democracy. So we have to.

MI: Okay let’s talk about gun violence. The shooter at the high school in Florida was allegedly bullied. Bullied by whom?

DH: We bullied him. He was not cool.

MI: I see. Your generation has seen a lot of gun violence.

DH: The NRA are pathetic f*ckers who want to keep killing our children!

MI: As I was saying your generation has suffered through a lot of gun violence. But your generation is also committing the gun violence. What is it about teenagers today that makes them so violent? Why do teenagers today seem so ready to kill?

DH: That’s a trick question! And can I have my tide pod back?

MI: No.

[An armed mugger appears and points his gun at David Hogg] 

I love gun control. It makes my job so much easier

 

 

 

 

 

 

AM: Give me all your money!

DH: Help!  Help me Manhattan Infidel. Stop him!

MI: I’d love to help but I don’t have a gun. Perhaps you should call 911 and wait ten minutes for help to arrive.

AM: On your knees you little shit!

MI: Call 911 now.

[The mugger takes David Hogg’s money, pistol whips him and then proceeds to rape him]

DH: Help! Help I’m being raped!

MI: Don’t you have a rape whistle?

DH: No I don’t. Help me. You’re older. You’re supposed to look out and help young people like me.

MI: Sorry. No can do. I’m too busy f*cking up our democracy. 

DH: Help!

MI: Well that’s about all the time I have. If I see a policeman I’ll be sure to tell him of your predicament.

AM: Once I finish with your ass I’m going to steal your Tide pod!

DH: Oh the humanity!

That certainly was an enlightening interview. I didn’t see any police. Oh well. Not my circus not my monkey.

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