It’s Time for an Open and Honest Dialogue on Vegan Control!

Can we start by eliminating vegan bump stocks?









In the week since Nasim Aghdam opened fire at Youtube’s headquarters America has once again had to confront its dark past of unfettered veganism.

Many questions have been asked. Why does this keep happening? What can we do to stop it?  Damn the NRA and white men!  Wait what?  The shooter was a Persian female vegan?  This won’t fit the narrative.

Now naturally not all vegans are lunatics and killers (some are upstanding citizens who even vote Democrat).

But we here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ feel that pants should be optional it is time for a frank and honest dialogue in America about Vegan control.

What specifically is Vegan control?  While we respect the Constitution and consider it a living, breathing document we have to admit that the second and a half amendment (“A woke militia, being necessary for the security of a socialist state, the right of upper middle class urban white people to keep and bear Vegan dainties shall not be infringed“) was written in a less technologically developed time and it has no relevance for today.

Hence it is time for full blown Vegan control. Now I want Vegan activists to relax, take a deep breath and stop with the heated rhetoric. No one wants to take away your Vegan dainties. At least not until we can repeal that loathsome amendment.

But in the meantime we can institute the following common sense Vegan control measures:

  • A Federal Vegan database. This way when a vegan goes on a rampage we can quickly identify possible future culprits.
  • A seven day waiting period before a vegan is allowed to buy kale. (And who can possibly object to this? Just think of the lives it will save!)
  • A ban on so-called “assault” vegan foods.
  • A Vegan “safe act” where vegans will have to keep their vegan delicacies under lock and key.
  • Vegans will have to pay 1000 dollars and get three references before they obtain a Vegan license.
  • Those deemed mentally deficient by the State shall be denied a Vegan license.
  •  A ban on so-called Vegan “bump stocks” that allow cold-blooded Vegans with malice in their hearts to consume Vegan food at a faster clip.
  •  And finally, Vegans shall be prohibited from transferring their Vegan dainties to other citizens.

I believe these common sense measures willl save the lives of many and prevent future Vegan massacres.

I know there are those Vegans who say “You can pry my Vegan dainties from my cold, dead hands.”

Well I say, “Bring it on!”

If you disagree with me you’re a terrorist with the blood of children on your hands. (At least the blood from their bowel movements as they try to pass that kale crap.)



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