My Exclusive Interview with America’s Newest Hero, David Hogg

Give me what I want or I’ll cry!







George Washington. Abraham Lincoln. Martin Luther King. David Hogg. Four of the greatest heroes in American history. All sought to extend human freedom.  Washington for the 13 colonies. Lincoln for slaves. Martin Luther King for blacks. David Hogg for the ratings of CNN.

It is my great pleasure to interview once again David Hogg. Yes I know I interviewed him three days ago but when one is in the presence of greatness one dips at the well as often as one can.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Hogg.

DH: Hey I know you. You let me get raped three days ago! That’s not fair.

MI: Not fair?

DH: Yes. Usually I’m the one doing the raping. Under classmen. Occasionally school security officers.

MI: That explains why the security guards wouldn’t go in the school during the shooting. Anyway I understand you have a new cause you are passionate about.

DH: Yes. School officials at my high school want students to wear clear backpacks.

MI: Clear backpacks?

DH: Yes. They claim it will make us safer. But it won’t do that. All it will do is violate our constitutional rights.

MI: Violate your constitutional rights?

DH: Yes. I’m passionate about the Constitution.

MI: Then why are you opposed to the rights of Americans to carry a gun.

DH: Tell me where it is written in the Constitution that people can carry guns?

MI: Um. The second amendment.

DH:  I’m not familiar with that. Is that the one that says we have the right to wear non-clear backpacks to school. Because I’m passionate about that.

MI: The second amendment states that “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

DH: The NRA has blood on its hands.

MI: What happened?


MI: Your chin. It seems to be getting smaller.

DH: Dammit. He said this wouldn’t happen!

MI: Who?

DH: They guy I sold my soul to for gun control.

MI: You sold your soul?

DH: Yes. To Satan And the guy said all I had to do was say anti NRA stuff and my chin would grow back. But it’s not growing back. It’s getting smaller!

MI: It’s almost like Satan lied!

[Satan enters] 

We must take away all the guns









Satan: David you fool I told you not to mention my involvement in the gun control movement.

DH: But my chin!  You said it would grow. It’s getting smaller!

Satan: Come with me David.  You’ve violated the deal. I have to take you to Hell.

DH: But I don’t want to go to Hell.

Satan: You already live in Florida. Isn’t that close enough?

DH: I don’t want to go to Hell!

Satan:We have Tide Pods!

DH: Oh Satan you know I can’t say no to you!

[Satan and David Hogg leave for Hell}

MI: Okay then. I’ll just close this interview.

David Hogg. American hero. Satanist. Tide Pod eater. The greatest American of his generation.



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