I’m going to use the force all over your body

Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi has stepped down from his position in the Jedi order after a series of disturbing sexual harassment allegations against him came to light.

“It has come to our attention that Mr. Kenobi has allegedly acted inappropriately” said the Jedi Order’s Director of Human Relations.

The Jedi Order brooks no sexual misconduct. Our masters are pledged to use the force for only good. Except for Darth Vader. The douche. So excepting the big douche all our Jedi masters are pledged to uphold the principles of the order. No one really knows what those principles are other than wearing a brown robe and carrying a phallic symbol in your hand but nevertheless we hold our principles sacred.  Mr. Kenobi has been charged with serious violations of this code and we have suspended him pending a thorough independent investigation.

The allegations against Kenobi are centered on an inappropriate relationship with his disciple Luke Skywalker.

Skywalker alleges that during his internship with Kenobi that Kenobi used the force for “sexual advances and touching” that left Skywalker permanently disillusioned with the Order.

“I am permanently disillusioned with the Order” said Skywalker.

I’m just a moisture farmer but I thought joining the order would be fun. I mean who wouldn’t want to wear a brown robe and carry around a large phallic symbol. A phallic symbol that lit up. I mean the people I am trying to pick up would think that’s cool. Yes. Women. Why do you ask? So I joined. Obi-Wan Kenobi seemed cool at first. He was like my mentor. I met lots of nice people. Well, except for Hans Solo. He was always hitting on my sister. But other than that I felt at home in the Order.  Then one night I felt someone’s hands on my body. I didn’t see anybody but I definitely felt it! The next morning I said to Mr. Kenobi “I had the strangest sensation last night. Someone was touching me – a woman I hope – but I didn’t see anybody.”  Do you know what he said?  He just smirked and said “I used to force to play with that tight body of yours. I’m a master. I can do this.” I was shocked at what he said and vowed to leave right then. But then Yoda said “Do not act in anger” or some Jedi bullshit like that. He also said “You’re just lucky he didn’t penetrate you like I want to.” Is everybody in the Order gay? I’m exclusively heterosexual. Yes. Really. I left the order right then. But not before I went to HR and lodged a formal complaint. Screw the Order. I’m getting a civil service job in the Empire. I hear there are lots of positions available on the Death Star.

Kenobi has had his Order privileges revoked. His badge will no longer work in the Order’s offices and his access to The Force has been rescinded.

“If that’s how they treat a master then screw The Force. I’m going to Hollywood where my talents will be appreciated” Kenobi said.

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