Yet Another Revised and Extended NFL Malfeasance Template™

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At least I wasn’t kneeling!

 

 

 

 

 

 

It is that time once again where the probing eyes of Manhattan Infidel expose the malfeasance of our sports heroes.  This time it is Buffalo Bills (technically still the only football team to play in New York State) receiver Zay Jones who was arrested after a bloody, naked argument with his brother.

So without further adieu I now present for your edification another round of the Revised and Extended NFL Malfeasance Template™.

You are captured on videotape naked and smashing windows in the hallway of your apartment building. Does this reflect poorly on you?

  1. Can’t a brother live in peace?
  2. Reflect poorly?  I proudly kneeled during the National Anthem!
  3. I wasn’t beating up a woman!
  4. I don’t understand the question. No I mean literally. I read at a 5th grade level

You are being held on 20,000 dollar bail. Will you be able to make bail?

  1. 20,000?  That’s a lot of cocaine. But if I stop snorting for a few days I should be able to afford it
  2. Isn’t that just like the white man?  Always locking a brother up!
  3. If I were white I bet you I’d be able to run around naked breaking windows.
  4. Who needs bail?  I am worshiped as a God in the big house. It’ s not often they get a bona fide NFL player in prison.  Okay so it’s pretty common but they still look upon me as a god.

The Buffalo Bills have issued a statement saying that they are aware of the incident and are gathering more information. Are you cooperating with them?

  1. The National Anthem is racist!
  2. A lot of white people live in Buffalo
  3. Cooperate with them?  When I signed a contract with them I became a slave. I don’t cooperate with massa!
  4. The National Anthem is racist!  What? I already said that? Snow is racist! Lots of snow in Buffalo. Therefore Buffalo is racist!

Ratings declined for the NFL last  year and many feel that the league has lost the support of a sizable number of fans. Could it not be argued that your arrest is not helping the NFL?

  1. I didn’t hear the question. I was distracted by all the coke I’m snorting
  2. I didn’t hear the question. I was distracted by all the meth I’m using
  3. I didn’t hear the question. I was distracted from punching my girlfriend unconscious in an elevator
  4. I didn’t hear the question. I was shooting someone in the back of the head

There you have it. Remember kids.  Look up to these people. Yay! Go team!

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