From Ye Olde New Yorke Times, April 19, 1775: Middle Class White Gun Nuts Battle His Majesty’s Troops!

There is no end to the damage gun nuts can do!








Dateline: Massachusetts, April 20, 1775

Tragedy struck the colony of Massachusetts yesterday as His Majesty’s troops, on a brave mission to take dangerous assault muskets out of the hands of middle class white men, were fired upon by said disaffected white men. Many of His Majesty’s troops have been killed or wounded, throwing the colony into chaos.

While reports are still sketchy and the situation is fluid, here is what we at Ye Olde New Yorke Times know so far:

  • There was an illegal arms dump somewhere near the towns of Lexington and Concord.
  • Said arms dump contained multiple assault muskets, otherwise known as weapons of war.
  • Said arms constituted a threat to all civilized society.
  • The King, acting on the wishes of his elite colonists ordered the seizure of the muskets of war from the middle class farmers of Massachusetts.
  • Said farmers are not part of the aristocracy.

It should be obvious to every intelligent colonist that private ownership of guns is a hazard to His Majesty.

We at Ye Old New Yorke Times deplore gun violence and extend our thoughts and prayers to the soldiers killed in yesterday’s mass shooting.

What should be apparent to all right-thinking intelligent individuals is that there is a class of citizen that is permanently disaffected with benevolent English rule. A class of citizens that refuses to pay their taxes. Taxes we need to build roads and provide other services.

This permanently disaffected class of citizens is composed primarily of middle class white men. Rural middle class white men. White men who have not taken advantage of new opportunities and moved to urban areas to learn trades. Trades that could have lifted them above the poverty level.

Instead they stubbornly remain in sparsely populated rural areas content in their backwardness. For as everyone knows farming takes little skill or mental aptitude.

Self-conscious of their backwardness and stuck in their dying lifestyle these white men cling to guns and religion.

Fearful that life has passed them by their gun culture turns increasingly violent and anti-state.

The time has come for us to not mollycoddle these gun nuts.

They are a dangerous pestilence upon peaceful British society.

Let there be no mistake. We are not seeking to take their guns away, only to make it harder for violent lower to middle class white people to buy additional guns.

That is why Ye Olde New Yorke Times calls for a March for Life against gun violence to be held across all 13 colonies this May 31st.

Together let us march and say no more to gun violence!

Our children’s future is at stake!

The Editorial Board of Ye Olde New Yorke Times.

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