No Sicilian can refuse a request on his daughter’s wedding day

The Special Prosecutor’s investigation into Russian Interference in the 2016 Presidential election heated up today as detectives raided the office of well-known attorney for the Corleone crime family, Tom Hagen.

“This is an outrage” said Hagen.

Whatever happened to attorney-client privilege. I have one client and he prefers not to be known. Now everybody knows Vito Corleone is that client. Vito Corleone is a patriotic American who has never colluded with Russia. Never. What’s more I found out about this Robert Mueller. Now he’s definitely on Sollazzo’s payroll and for big money. Mueller has agreed to be the Turk’s bodyguard. While Sollazzo is being guarded like this he is invulnerable. Nobody has ever gunned down a special prosecutor before. It would be disastrous. All the Republicans would come after my client Vito Corleone. Even the old man’s political connections would run for cover!

Despite the character defamation he suffered at the hands of Hagen, Special Prosecutor Mueller remains convinced that Hagen holds the key to the “smoking gun” that can finally convict President Trump.

Vito Corleone (pictured here)

I ain’t colluding with Russia

through his olive oil importing business has international contacts. He has been known to travel to Sicily and is rumored to have a shadowy meeting in Prague with operatives close to Putin to discuss the Steele Dossier. Also as an Italian Vito Corleone is rumored to be a Republican with a strong interest in defeating the Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton.

Corleone’s lawyer, Hagen, continues to deny any and all involvement with the so-called Russian collusion of 2016. Hagen has even gone as far as to go to Washington to meet with Mueller to “clear the air.” 

I come from Vito Corleone  himself. Mr. Corleone promises his undying friendship if you would do him a small favor. Stop investigating him. He has nothing to do with Russian collusion. If you stop investigating him Mr. Corleone promises to make it worth your while.  You’ve got some labor trouble coming up. Mr. Corleone promises to make that trouble disappear. You have a prosecutor in your office who just graduated from marijuana to heroin. Mr. Corleone can make this all go away if you simply stop investigating him.

Mueller, in his righteous attempt to get President Trump, became enraged by Hagen’s offer and called him a “Kraut-mick” before throwing him out of his office.

Hagen responded by thanking Mueller for his time and asking that his car be brought around as “Mr. Corleone is a man who insists on hearing bad news at once.”

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Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news 

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Citing a “complete lack of evidence of collusion” Robert Mueller has dropped his investigation into President Trump.

Mueller made his decision after someone left a horse’s head in his bed

“I think it was a horse’s head” said a source in Washington. “It might have been Hillary Clinton’s. They are hard to tell apart you know.”

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Traitor! Russian colluder!

In the week since President Trump’s personal lawyer, Michael Cohen had his office raided in search of evidence of Russian collusion many have speculated as to what was found. Rest assured dear readers I have been busy trying to find out what was collected.

I now present (and don’t ask me who I had to pay to get this because it definitely wasn’t John Brennan) the official transcript of the interrogation of Michael Cohen by Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller.

RM: I want you to relax Michael. We are all your friends. Just tell us what we want to know and this will be all over.

MC:  I cannot tell you anything. I am innocent. President Trump is innocent.

RM: Nothing to hide eh?

MC: Nothing whatsoever.

RM Oh yeah. When we raided your office we found several bottles of Beluga Noble Vodka. A Russian vodka. Do you still claim you and President Trump aren’t colluding with Russia.

MC: Yes.

RM: Then how do you explain all the Russian vodka?

MC: I’m an alcoholic. My liver is more desolate and pot marked than Edward James Olmos’ face.

RM: Yeah well we also found some questionable DVDs.  You own 13 copies of Doctor Zhivago.  Care to explain that?

MC: It’s um.  Well it’s kind of embarrassing.

RM: Nothing is more embarrassing than colluding with Russia during the 2016 election. Out with it! 

MC: Okay, okay. I like to masturbate while looking at Julie Christie.

RM: Oh. Well, nothing wrong with that. I like masturbating while thinking of Vanessa Redgrave.

MC: I met her once.

RM: Really?  Tell me everything. Did you rub up against her because that’s totally what I would like to do.

MC: Of course I did. I practically dry-humped her. When she got suspicious I just said I was sorry but the party was so crowded I lost my balance. Yeah, totally dry-humped her.

RM: I admire you sir.

MC: Thank you.

RM: Except for your Russian collusion on behalf of Donald Trump!

MC: I tell you I’m innocent!

RM: Yeah, what about this receipt we found?  You had caviar at the Russian Tea Room?  Care to explain that? Why did you have caviar at the Russian Tea Room?

MC: Because their burgers suck.

RM: Well that’s true. Their burgers do suck.

MC: Look can I go now?

RM: Alright. But we’ll be in touch. This investigation is far from over.

MC: May I have my Doctor Zhivago DVDs back?

[Mueller hands him his DVDs]

MC: What the hell? Why are the DVDs sticky?  Did you masturbate while looking at Julie Christie?

RM: Please don’t tell Vanessa Redgrave.

As you can see the Russian collusion investigation continues to collect evidence.

IMPEACH TRUMP!

(19)

I’m smart and dammit people like me

Having two days off from work Manhattan Infidel did what he normally does on days off: I went over to my window, opened it and shouted “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.”  I kept yelling that until neighbors called the police. Then I read a book by the Secular Saint James Comey.

I found the book to be an engaging memoir by a badly misunderstood, simple, honest public servant battling forces of darkness around him.  I shall now quote a few relevant passages.

“I could not get a date to the senior prom. I asked [name redacted] to go with me but she called me a “ugly tall freak.” That made me cry.  I then asked [name redacted] to the prom. But she had a penis which she insisted on showing me. I couldn’t go with her to the prom after that. It was bigger than mine. I tell you it’s not easy having such high personal morals.”

Page 17

“College was tough. I was taller than everybody else and didn’t fit in. The other students made fun of me. I asked out [name redacted] but she said I reminded her of Stan Laurel with my huge wiggly ears. This made me cry. I didn’t let anyone see my cry but I would cry a lot behind closed doors. I learned early on how mean people can be.

Page 33

“I finally landed that job interview at the FBI. Things got off to an awkward start when I bumped my head on the low ceiling of the Director’s office. I hate being so tall. People are always making fun of my height. Still the secretary was cute and I asked her out. She said she’d love to and asked me if I liked girls with penises. She then showed my hers which was larger than mine. I started crying. I cried all the way home.”

Page 53

“Doing field work for the FBI occasionally means chasing suspects. I was chasing one who ducked into an alley. I ran in but hit my head on the fire escape dangling from a second floor window. God I hate being so tall and awkward. It must have knocked me out because I awoke in the hospital with the Director standing over me. He didn’t show me his penis but I bet it’s bigger than mine. I felt like crying.”

Page 74

“Loretta Lynch is black. Being a trained FBI agent It’s my job to notice details like this. Other people might not notice but I do. That’s why I’m the Director and they aren’t. I haven’t seen her penis but since she’s black I assume it’s huge. Like an oak tree or Hillary Clinton’s arteries.”

Page 151

“President Trump!  President Trump!  President Trump!  It’s always Trump, Trump, Trump!  No one ever pays any attention to me. Sometimes I wish he would be impeached so people would look at me! I have to talk to [James} Clapper and [John} Brennan to see if we can do that. Trump makes me cry. He called me tall and it hurt me inside. Every day I go home and cry. He’s a bully! He hasn’t shown me his penis but it’s just a matter of time.”

Page 204

Yes. This is a fascinating and honest read by one of the most respected straight shooters in Washington. I recommend the book to everybody.

(129)

Chicago. No wait, Detroit. Syria?

Overnight on Friday, the United States, Britain and France instituted air strikes on Syria in retaliation for alleged chemical attacks by the Syrian regime on its people.

Since the strike I have had to field many questions from my readers.  Who am I kidding I have no readers and the only calls I get on the weekend are from Domino’s telling me my pizza is on the way.

And so since my mission statement mentions the “free flow of information” it also mentions pizza, body oil and sex chairs but hey who’s keeping score  I will now try to answer any questions you may have about the air strike.

Q:  Why did we bomb Syria?

A:  We bombed Syria in retaliation for chemical weapons of mass destruction the barbaric Syrian regime used on its people. And we bombed Syria because bombing California would be in bad taste. We have to wait until California officially secedes to do that.

Q:  Why are chemical weapons considered so barbaric?

A:  They are weapons of mass destruction.

Q:  But can’t conventional weapons be considered weapons of mass destruction as well? After all what difference does it make to the dead if they are killed by a bomb or a chemical weapon?

A:  Conventional weapons are more polite.

Q:  But the Syrian regime has been bombing its citizens for years now. Its major cities are piles of rubble. Granted not as big a pile of rubble as Detroit but still bad enough. And we stood by and did nothing. Why intervene now?

A:  You’re colluding with Russia, aren’t you?  Wait until Robert Mueller gets his paws into you.  Bastard!

Q:  Is Alan Cumming from the Good Wife really gay?

A:  Yes.

Q:  But he gives off such a heterosexual vibe!

A;  Chemical weapons.

Q: What about Ricky Martin?

A:  Gay.

Q:  Rob Halford from Judas Priest?

A:  Gay.

Q;  Wow. So chemical weapons are really bad, aren’t they?

A:  Totally.

Q: Well you’ve certainly made your case. We must bomb Syria in retaliation for chemical weapons.You mentioned California seceding. When that happens we will bomb them obviously. Do you think California has a stockpile of chemical weapons?

A: No but Alan Cumming lives in California.

Q:  The bastard!  Well you’ve sold me. We need to bomb, bomb and bomb again!

A:  All good Americans love the sting of battle.

Q:  Thank you again for enlightening me.

And so readers I’m sure you will now all agree with me that bombing Syria was totally the right call.

(37)

Deplorable!

As part of his ongoing probe into Russian collusion in the 2016 Presidential election Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller today indicted a fourth grade student from LaGrange, New York.

“We got the bastard dead in our sights” said a member of the Special Prosecutor’s office.

This kid did a book report on Russia. On Russia! Once we found that out he immediately was on our radar. I don’t have to tell you Putin loves it when fourth graders do book reports on Russia. Naturally we subpoenaed the book report so we could see if there was anything on it tying President Trump to Russia. At first the kid didn’t want to give it up but once we tied him to a chair and took turns punching him in the stomach he folded like a cheap suit. You know. Like the ones you buy at Burlington Coat Factory.

After it was confiscated agents spent a month pouring over the five-page report in hopes of finding a so-called “smoking gun” tying the President to Putin.

We couldn’t find anything. We even brought in a team of Russianologists from the CIA. Nothing. Naturally we were disappointed. That was until Mueller told us to not get discouraged. “Look for any insignificant process crime and we can use that to put pressure on the kid to spill the beans about Trump” he told us. He’s so smart. That’s why he’s the Special Prosecutor and we aren’t.

It was then that the investigators went over the kid’s testimony and found that he had given inconsistent testimony on what he did with his lunch money.

At first he said he spent it all. Upon further questioning he said he might have given some away. So we indicted him for lying to the Special Prosecutor. This whole lunch money thing smells to high heaven. There is some shady financial shit going on and once we tell the kid what happens to virgin ass in jail hopefully he’ll tell us about Trump and Russia.

Adam Schiff, ranking member of The House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence,

My eyes have seen the coming of the glory of collusion

has said that the book report on Russia “tells us everything we need to know about Trump’s collusion with Russia.”

“When I read the report my eyes bulged wide open. I mean even more than normal” said Schiff.

It’s all right there. The kid used his lunch allowance to launder Trump and Putin’s dirty money. The information in that report could lead to impeachment proceedings against Trump, who lost the popular vote by the way. I will be releasing the full book report soon. Naturally parts will be redacted to protect our sensitive intelligence-gathering operations.

When asked about the book report and the indictment of the fourth grader Special Prosecutor Mueller refused to comment on the ongoing investigation.

“I can’t really talk about. Besides right now my focus is on going to see my grandchild in his school play. The show is about Russia. He’s playing the great man himself, Vladimir Lenin.”

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