Deplorable!

As part of his ongoing probe into Russian collusion in the 2016 Presidential election Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller today indicted a fourth grade student from LaGrange, New York.

“We got the bastard dead in our sights” said a member of the Special Prosecutor’s office.

This kid did a book report on Russia. On Russia! Once we found that out he immediately was on our radar. I don’t have to tell you Putin loves it when fourth graders do book reports on Russia. Naturally we subpoenaed the book report so we could see if there was anything on it tying President Trump to Russia. At first the kid didn’t want to give it up but once we tied him to a chair and took turns punching him in the stomach he folded like a cheap suit. You know. Like the ones you buy at Burlington Coat Factory.

After it was confiscated agents spent a month pouring over the five-page report in hopes of finding a so-called “smoking gun” tying the President to Putin.

We couldn’t find anything. We even brought in a team of Russianologists from the CIA. Nothing. Naturally we were disappointed. That was until Mueller told us to not get discouraged. “Look for any insignificant process crime and we can use that to put pressure on the kid to spill the beans about Trump” he told us. He’s so smart. That’s why he’s the Special Prosecutor and we aren’t.

It was then that the investigators went over the kid’s testimony and found that he had given inconsistent testimony on what he did with his lunch money.

At first he said he spent it all. Upon further questioning he said he might have given some away. So we indicted him for lying to the Special Prosecutor. This whole lunch money thing smells to high heaven. There is some shady financial shit going on and once we tell the kid what happens to virgin ass in jail hopefully he’ll tell us about Trump and Russia.

Adam Schiff, ranking member of The House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence,

My eyes have seen the coming of the glory of collusion

has said that the book report on Russia “tells us everything we need to know about Trump’s collusion with Russia.”

“When I read the report my eyes bulged wide open. I mean even more than normal” said Schiff.

It’s all right there. The kid used his lunch allowance to launder Trump and Putin’s dirty money. The information in that report could lead to impeachment proceedings against Trump, who lost the popular vote by the way. I will be releasing the full book report soon. Naturally parts will be redacted to protect our sensitive intelligence-gathering operations.

When asked about the book report and the indictment of the fourth grader Special Prosecutor Mueller refused to comment on the ongoing investigation.

“I can’t really talk about. Besides right now my focus is on going to see my grandchild in his school play. The show is about Russia. He’s playing the great man himself, Vladimir Lenin.”

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