C-3PO Attacked and Melted Down!

I don’t understand! Venezuela is a socialist workers paradise!












Protocol droid C-3PO met a horrific end today as a crowd of starving Venezuelans attacked, dismembered and melted him down to exchange his gold on the black market for food.

“C-3PO was a compassionate droid” said his longtime friend Luke Skywalker.

That’s why he was vacationing in Venezuela. C-3PO was very committed to the economic principles of socialism, as are all those in the Rebel Alliance. Anyway he wanted to see the glories of socialism first hand so his friends in Hollywood Danny Glover and Sean Penn suggested he go to Venezuela.  “It’s a socialist workers paradise” they told him. And they are actors so they know what they are talking about. The last time I spoke to C-3PO he was very excited about his upcoming trip.  “I want to see redistribution of wealth up close and perhaps bring back this knowledge to the Rebel Alliance” he told me. We were all excited too. Princess Leia told me that the only thing socialism needed to really work were the scientific principles the Venezuelan leaders use. I am just horrified and shocked that he was attacked by unrepentant capitalists in the working class. Don’t they realize socialism is in their best interest?

Instead of seeing a socialist workers paradise as he expected C-3PO was greeted by poverty, a malfunctioning electrical grid, worthless fiat currency and widespread hunger, with roving gangs searching through dumpsters for food.

According to eyewitnesses the end for C-3PO began when he started berating the starving Venezuelans.

“You people just don’t appreciate the glories of socialism” he told the crowd.

Stop acting like capitalist gangsters and be patient. Trust the government. You will have all your needs taken care of in due time. Socialism means free goods and freedom for everyone! Have you never heard of Danny Glover or Sean Penn? Listen to them. They are actors. They know how economics work.

The crowd did not appreciate C-3PO’s sermon and eyes his solid gold exoskeleton suspiciously. Finally one person asked him if he was made of gold.

“Yes, solid gold” he replied.

It was then that he was attacked with rocks and baseball bats. His arms and legs were ripped off and his torso torn apart.

“This is not as Danny Glover and Sean Penn described Venezuela” C-3PO said just before dying.

The hungry crowd then put his gold pieces on sticks and roasted them over a fire.

“I melt him down and sell the gold for food for my mom” said a seven year-old street urchin.

But before he could do that he was shot through the head and his gold piece taken by someone else.

C-3PO’s death represents a major blow for the Rebel Alliance.

“He was our heart and soul” said Luke Skywalker.

I just don’t understand how this could happen. He must have walked into a crowd of deplorables who were clinging to guns and religion. If they had been educated Venezuelans they would appreciate all the government has done for them. Socialism is a compassionate economic system that improves the quality of life for all its citizens. Chelsea Handler said that and I believe her.

C-3PO’s last remaining body part, a SCSI bus, will be shipped back to the Rebel Alliance where it will hang proudly in the Millennium Falcon.


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