A controversial end to a controversial career

The end came today for the Mystery Machine and its colorful denizens when the van plunged off a cliff on the coast of California and fell 100 feet, killing all its occupants.

“We had been tracking the mystery machine for some time” said a local sheriff.

We didn’t approve of their methods or their lifestyle. We were hoping to charge them for some minor process crime and get them out of our jurisdiction. They were dirty, filthy hippies, always trying to cause trouble. A pox on them. I mean no one wanted to see it end this way but perhaps it’s for the best. 

The polyamorous, non-binary, gender-dimorphic non-cisgender occupants of the Mystery Machine included Fred Jones,

Free your body and your mind will follow

an ascot-wearing Svengali believed to be the leader of the cult, Daphne Blake

I have an insatiable sexual appetite

his common law wife, her lover radical lesbian Velma Dinkley,

Fight the patriarchy!

Norville “Shaggy” Rogers,

War? What is it good for?

a college dropout and anti-war activist and his dog and lover

Rut roh!

(for Shaggy found speciesism highly offensive) Scooby Doo.

The group had found some fame when a 2013 photo of Scooby hugging a Seattle police officer during race riots in the city went viral. Since then they had often been seen with their trademark “Mystery Machine” at rock concerts.  In addition Scooby and Shaggy were also much in demand as analysts on CNN and MSNBC because of their shared hatred of Donald Trump.

However despite their popularity recently unsubstantiated claims of drug abuse and animal cruelty had been directed at the group, prompting them to begin a “goodwill” tour of the California coast.  It was during this tour that their van plunged off the cliff.

At first authorities believed the tragedy was accidental. But upon seeing no brake marks on the side of the cliff, coupled with this tell-tale OnStar transcript and the fact that the dog Scooby was apparently behind the wheel, they were forced to conclude that it was a mass suicide event.

OnStar: OnStar how may I help you?

Scooby: Rut-roh!

OnStar: Excuse me?  

Scooby: Rut-roh. Rut-roh. 

Fred Jones: Scooby don’t call OnStar. Bad doggie.  Continue to drive towards that cliff!

Velma Dinkley: Yeah Scooby.  Fight the patriarchy!

Daphne Blake: We are going to live on another plane of existence!

Scooby: Rut-roh rut-roh motherf*cking rut-roh!

The bodies of Velma, Daphne, Scooby and Shaggy were found inside the van. Fred Jones’ body has not been found and it is believed he might have washed out to sea. Authorities however are not giving up hope that he is alive.

“If he survived the crash and were conscious he might have been able to use his ascot as a flotation device” said a Coast Guard commander at the scene.

The only known surviving relative of the group is Scooby’s nephew Scrappy Doo.

Leave me the hell alone!

When tracked down at the trailer park in upstate New York where he was living Scrappy barked at reporters before continuing to hump a fire hydrant.

“Leave me the hell alone you vultures. I got nothing to say about Scooby. Hey, can any of you c*cksuckers  bum me a motherf*cking cigarette? A real one, preferably Marlboro. None of that vaping shit.”

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