Manhattan Infidel Presents the Transcript of the Interrogation of President Trump’s Lawyer Michael Cohen

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Traitor! Russian colluder!

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the week since President Trump’s personal lawyer, Michael Cohen had his office raided in search of evidence of Russian collusion many have speculated as to what was found. Rest assured dear readers I have been busy trying to find out what was collected.

I now present (and don’t ask me who I had to pay to get this because it definitely wasn’t John Brennan) the official transcript of the interrogation of Michael Cohen by Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller.

RM: I want you to relax Michael. We are all your friends. Just tell us what we want to know and this will be all over.

MC:  I cannot tell you anything. I am innocent. President Trump is innocent.

RM: Nothing to hide eh?

MC: Nothing whatsoever.

RM Oh yeah. When we raided your office we found several bottles of Beluga Noble Vodka. A Russian vodka. Do you still claim you and President Trump aren’t colluding with Russia.

MC: Yes.

RM: Then how do you explain all the Russian vodka?

MC: I’m an alcoholic. My liver is more desolate and pot marked than Edward James Olmos’ face.

RM: Yeah well we also found some questionable DVDs.  You own 13 copies of Doctor Zhivago.  Care to explain that?

MC: It’s um.  Well it’s kind of embarrassing.

RM: Nothing is more embarrassing than colluding with Russia during the 2016 election. Out with it! 

MC: Okay, okay. I like to masturbate while looking at Julie Christie.

RM: Oh. Well, nothing wrong with that. I like masturbating while thinking of Vanessa Redgrave.

MC: I met her once.

RM: Really?  Tell me everything. Did you rub up against her because that’s totally what I would like to do.

MC: Of course I did. I practically dry-humped her. When she got suspicious I just said I was sorry but the party was so crowded I lost my balance. Yeah, totally dry-humped her.

RM: I admire you sir.

MC: Thank you.

RM: Except for your Russian collusion on behalf of Donald Trump!

MC: I tell you I’m innocent!

RM: Yeah, what about this receipt we found?  You had caviar at the Russian Tea Room?  Care to explain that? Why did you have caviar at the Russian Tea Room?

MC: Because their burgers suck.

RM: Well that’s true. Their burgers do suck.

MC: Look can I go now?

RM: Alright. But we’ll be in touch. This investigation is far from over.

MC: May I have my Doctor Zhivago DVDs back?

[Mueller hands him his DVDs]

MC: What the hell? Why are the DVDs sticky?  Did you masturbate while looking at Julie Christie?

RM: Please don’t tell Vanessa Redgrave.

As you can see the Russian collusion investigation continues to collect evidence.

IMPEACH TRUMP!

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