Join Star Fleet they said. It’s glamorous they said!

Leonard H. “Bones” McCoy, Chief Medical Officer on the Starship Enterprise has announced he is resigning his commission “effective immediately.”

“This crap just isn’t for me anymore” said the doctor.

I’m a good surgeon with a good bedside manner. I wanted a challenge. So I joined Star Fleet.  It’ll be glamorous they said. You’ll travel the galaxy they said. You’ll test and expand your medical skills they said.  All that is crap. Do you know what I do? I give lectures on how to avoid VD while on shore leave. That’s most of my job. And no one listens to me. So I spend most of the time when I’m not giving lectures on how to avoid VD while on shore leave treating VD acquired while on shore leave. How exactly is that glamorous? How is asking officers if they’ve had unprotected sex glamorous? I don’t want to know that shit. Especially Kirk. My god I have terabytes of information on Kirk’s sex life. What the hell are the Holy Bone of Clonrichert and the Ploughing Championships anyway? Forget it. I don’t want to know. It seems the officers on the Enterprise are doing things I haven’t even thought of yet. So screw them all. I’m resigning and going back to being a simple country doctor back home.

The proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back for McCoy was when he had to testify at Ensign Chekov’s courtmartial after Chekov contracted VD from a Romulan ambassador.

They had the nerve to courtmartial Chekov for doing exactly what they were doing. All the while he was on trial I had to look at “Jumbo breakfast roll” Kirk and “Spit on me dickie” Spock pretend they cared about maintaining discipline and personal morality. The hypocrisy was stunning. If Chekov had been a higher ranking officer none of this would have happened.

To top off his disgruntlement after the trial  McCoy had to treat Lieutenant Sulu for a social disease of unknown origin.

I don’t know what the hell he was doing but let’s just say his butthole was very wide. I told him his anus was wide enough for me to put my fist into it and you know what he said?  “That’s kind of the point, Doc.” How the hell does anyone get an anal canal that wide?  Forget it. I don’t want to know. Needless to say I chalked it up to another officer not paying any attention to my health briefings. So after he left I took a long shower and started drinking some good bootleg Romulan ale. I didn’t stop for days. When I did stop I handed in my resignation.

Now back at home on planet Earth, McCoy looks forward to establishing a quiet country practice.

“I just had my computers delivered. They have the latest medical software on them. Now I’m just going to shut them down and – what the? No I don’t want to install any updates!  Goddamn Windows 10 piece of shit!”

(44)

Why does it hurt when I pee?

Ensign Pavel Chekov of the Starship Enterprise has been charged with gross dereliction of duty after it was found that he was suffering from an advanced extraterrestrial venereal disease.

Sources report that suspicions were first raised about Chekov’s medical condition during a routine physical with chief medical officer Doctor McCoy when Chekov asked the doctor what would cause pain during urination.

“I’m his doctor not his father” said McCoy.

So when he asked me about pain when urinating I told him he had nothing to be embarrassed about. We are all men and we have our needs. I asked him straight out did he have a recent sexual encounter. Well he spent the next 20 minutes going into explicit detail about all his sexual encounters. Let’s just say the little Russian gets around. What the hell is an Irish perm anyway? He mentioned that a lot. Anyway I asked him to narrow it down. Was there a recent sexual encounter that involved unprotected sex? That involved another 20 minutes of him detailing his unprotected sexual encounters. Doesn’t anyone listen to my sex education briefings? So I asked him to narrow it down even further. The tests showed that the social disease was extraterrestrial in origin. Finally he fessed up about “doing some freaky shit” with a Romulan ambassador who got tired of waiting for Spock’s laptop to update. Windows 10. Am I right or am I right? Anyway he confessed to doing something called a “Reverse Rusty Trombone” with her. Hey, I’m no prude but sometimes a doctor gets way too much information from his patients.

Duty-bound to report his findings McCoy turned the lab results over to Star Fleet headquarters where a trial was held with Chekov’s commanding officer, James T. Kirk and his First Officer Lieutenant Commander Spock presiding.

Chekov, while admitting to contracting Romulan Syphilis maintained that none of this would have happend if only Star Fleet didn’t insist on using Windows 10.

“The only reason I was with her in the first place was because Spock’s laptop was updating and wouldn’t shut down” said the short, sexually active Russian.

Chekov was then ruled out of order by Spock.

After a short and spirited discussion on the merits of Windows 10 Chekov’s statement about Spock and the Romulan commander was stricken from the evidence by Kirk.

“Just like senior officers. Always protecting each other!’ Chekov muttered under his breath.

Evidence was then introduced detailing Chekov’s long history of sexual adventures while on shore leave, which was interrupted when Doctor McCoy shouted “Listen to my goddamn health briefings” from the back of the room.

After a brief recess Chekov was found guilty of “contracting an alien social disease while on duty” and ordered to “Wash his penis frequently and abstain from Romulans and the sexual activity known as the reverse rusty trombone.”

“If I had known Romulans were that freaky I would have tried to get me some of that” Kirk muttered to Spock after the trial.

“Just get your damn Windows updates finished first before inviting her to do the rusty trombone” Spock responded.

(42)

This is so f*cking illogical!

Lieutenant Commander Spock of the Starship Enterprise has lodged a formal grievance with Star Fleet over their new Windows 10 laptops given to all officers.

“I mean come on. Windows 8 was bad enough. But this crap” said the logical and unemotional Vulcan First Officer.

Windows 8 sucked. If I wanted an operating system for a mobile device I’d buy a goddamn mobile device. I hated it. Now Window XP?  That was a logical operating system. I would wake up every morning, log into the laptop in my quarters and pull up my email to see if Nurse Chapel sent me any more of those sexy photos of her in lingerie. Don’t tell her I like those photos. I’m playing aloof and hard to get. Anyway I loved XP.  Windows 7 was okay.  Windows 8 sucked plomeek soup and I thought it couldn’t get any worse. But then Star Fleet gives me this new laptop with f*cking Windows 10 on it. If I wanted crappy, annoying operating systems I’d join the merchant marines.

The disgruntled First Officer cracked open an Angry Orchard cider, lit a cigarette and continued his rant.

So anyway I have this new Windows 10 laptop. The first thing I have to do is upgrade all the drivers for my printer and scanner. What an annoying pain in the ass that was. Especially since my scanner doesn’t have any official Windows 10 drivers out yet. So I ask Scotty for help. I said “Scotty you’re an engineer what do I do?”  You know what he said?  “I can’t change the laws of physics.” Jerk. So I had to buy a new scanner. Star Fleet wouldn’t get me a new one so I used my own money. The scanner comes in handy because I like to take photos of my penis, scan it in and email the photos to Nurse Chapel and then claim it was a mistake. You should see her cry. Yes I know I could just take a photo and send it from my phone but Star Fleet took all our mobile devices away after Kirk accidentally sent everyone on the Enterprise pictures of Uhuru polishing his knob. I tell you some things seen can never be unseen.

But Spock’s biggest complaint about Window 10 is the automatic updates feature.

I had a Romulan commander in my quarters and I was about to seal the deal with her, if you know what I mean.  I told her “Just let me shut down my laptop and I’ll come to bed and show you what a Dirty Sanchez is.” But when I tried to shut the laptop down the f*cking Windows updates started to run.  “Please don’t shut off your laptop” it said. Goddamn updates took 3 hours to complete. The Romulan got bored and left. I think she hooked up with Chekov. I hate Russians! I threw the laptop against the wall and then ripped it apart. I asked Star Fleet to give me a Macbook instead but it turns out ever since the Klingons bought Apple all Macintosh computers are quarantined in the Federation.

Until Spock can smuggle a Macbook onboard the Enterprise he has vowed to do without a computer.

“Computers make excellent and efficient servants, but I have no wish to serve under them. Damn this cider is good. It’s not logical that I like it so much but sometimes a Vulcan has to say ‘Screw logic and give me alcohol and women.’  Hmm. Perhaps I’ve been hanging around Kirk too much.”

(195)

Get busy grabbing p*ssy

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the honor of interviewing Hollywood legend and Academy-award winning actor Morgan Freeman.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Freeman.

MF:  I’m excited to talk to you. I find I’m so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it’s the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain.

MI: You’re being sarcastic, aren’t you?

MF:  No shit, Sherlock.

MI: Let’s talk about  your career. When you were growing up in Mississippi did you ever hope for the success you have now? 

MF:  Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.

MI: Everyone needs hope.

MF: I don’t know; every man has his breaking point.

MI: Speaking of breaking points. You’ve just been fingered by the #metoo movement as a serial abuser and harasser of women on movie sets. Is this true?

MF: Get busy living or get busy dying.

MI:  I’m sorry. What?

MF: Get busy living or get busy dying. I prefer to get busy living. That’s why I lifted her skirt up and grabbed her p*ssy.

MI: What?  So you admit it?

MF: That’s goddamn right!  I have to remind myself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. Like my penis. It was not meant to be caged. My penis is so beautiful it can’t be expressed in words, and makes your heart ache because of it.  My penis is like some beautiful bird flapped into our drab little cage and made those walls dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last man in Hollywood felt free. All because of my penis.

MI: Um.

[Harvey Weinstein enters] 

Get in the hut tub!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HW: Manhattan Infidel would you like to get into a hot tub with me?

MF: Get busy living, Manhattan Infidel.

HW: Come on. Don’t embarrass me like this. Just get in the hot tub. My name’s Harvey and I’m a big white rabbit. And by big white rabbit I mean my penis.

MI: No. I am not getting into the hot tub with you. I am a respected member of the press.

[Tom Brokaw enters] 

Let’s have fun

 

 

 

 

 

 

TB: Speaking of respected members of the press, let me massage your shoulders, Manhattan Infidel.

MI: Why are you doing this?

TB:I want a mutually beneficial relationship. Now sit down on the couch next to me so I can touch you.

[Bill Cosby enters] 

Young kids and their hippin’ and their hoppin’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BC: I slipped something into your drink, Manhattan Infidel. If you feel like lying down I have a bed for you.

MF: Get busy passing out, Manhattan Infidel.

[Manhattan Infidel passes out]

I woke up later in an alley without my pants or my wallet. The last thing I remember was the four of them smiling at me.  I’m sure nothing bad happened. After all, if you can’t trust actors, producers and newsmen who can you trust?

(108)

America be oppressin’ me!

Seeking “peace in our time” NFL owners have voted to allow players to stay in the locker room during the playing of the National Anthem.

“This is a great moment for America” said one NFL owner after the vote was announced.

As we’ve watched our profit margin tumble and our TV ratings sink lower than a 65-year-old feminist’s breasts who hasn’t worn a bra in 40 years, we the owners have sought for a way to restore peace to the America and win back alienated fans. At first we thought of lowering ticket and concession prices but that’s just plain stupid. It was then that we hit on the compromise of allowing those who want to kneel to stay in the locker room during the National Anthem.

The players seem to like the compromise. Said one player who wishes to remain anonymous:

America be oppressin’ me! And they want me to stand during the National Anthem? I haven’t been so outraged since the last time I beat my bitch up and she had the nerve to say it was my fault!  I threw her out of the main house. She has to stay in one of the 15 guest cottages now. Bitch be bitchin’ gets what she deserves.

While the new deal does indeed promise “peace in our time” it leaves many questions which I will try to answer for my readers.

• I am neither black nor white. I am Hispanic. Am I allowed to stay in the locker room?

Excellent question. According to the peace agreement you can stay in the locker room for the first half of the National Anthem. However if you’re not back on the field standing by the time they get to “The rocket’s red glare” your relatives will be picked up by ICE.

• I am white but I love rap music. What should I do?

Stand at the entrance to the tunnel during the National Anthem and wave your penis to the crowd. This will tell them that you have sympathy with your black brothers in arms still in the locker room.

• I am black but I want to go out on the field and stand during the National Anthem. I am not a victim and I am proud of my country!

You disgust me you Uncle Tom! Why don’t you put on a MAGA cap and listen to country music, you traitor to your race!

• I am black but I’m on special teams. What do I do?

That’s a tough one. You are black. Yet on the other hand you’re a mere field goal kicker.  I suggest staying on the field and standing during the national anthem while holding up a clenched fist of rage. Black glove optional.

• I was President Obama’s head of the CIA. I despise Donald Trump and planted spies in his campaign headquarters.

Um. Okay. I don’t see what this has to do with football, though.

• It has nothing to do with football. I’m just very proud of what I did.

Right. Um.

• Manhattan Infidel when the full extent of your venality, moral turpitude, and political corruption becomes known, you will take your rightful place as a disgraced demagogue in the dustbin of history. You will not destroy America … America will triumph over you.

Um. You can stay in the locker room.

And there you have it readers. I hope the upcoming NFL season will be a great one for all fans with no distractions.

(124)