Why does it hurt when I pee?

Ensign Pavel Chekov of the Starship Enterprise has been charged with gross dereliction of duty after it was found that he was suffering from an advanced extraterrestrial venereal disease.

Sources report that suspicions were first raised about Chekov’s medical condition during a routine physical with chief medical officer Doctor McCoy when Chekov asked the doctor what would cause pain during urination.

“I’m his doctor not his father” said McCoy.

So when he asked me about pain when urinating I told him he had nothing to be embarrassed about. We are all men and we have our needs. I asked him straight out did he have a recent sexual encounter. Well he spent the next 20 minutes going into explicit detail about all his sexual encounters. Let’s just say the little Russian gets around. What the hell is an Irish perm anyway? He mentioned that a lot. Anyway I asked him to narrow it down. Was there a recent sexual encounter that involved unprotected sex? That involved another 20 minutes of him detailing his unprotected sexual encounters. Doesn’t anyone listen to my sex education briefings? So I asked him to narrow it down even further. The tests showed that the social disease was extraterrestrial in origin. Finally he fessed up about “doing some freaky shit” with a Romulan ambassador who got tired of waiting for Spock’s laptop to update. Windows 10. Am I right or am I right? Anyway he confessed to doing something called a “Reverse Rusty Trombone” with her. Hey, I’m no prude but sometimes a doctor gets way too much information from his patients.

Duty-bound to report his findings McCoy turned the lab results over to Star Fleet headquarters where a trial was held with Chekov’s commanding officer, James T. Kirk and his First Officer Lieutenant Commander Spock presiding.

Chekov, while admitting to contracting Romulan Syphilis maintained that none of this would have happend if only Star Fleet didn’t insist on using Windows 10.

“The only reason I was with her in the first place was because Spock’s laptop was updating and wouldn’t shut down” said the short, sexually active Russian.

Chekov was then ruled out of order by Spock.

After a short and spirited discussion on the merits of Windows 10 Chekov’s statement about Spock and the Romulan commander was stricken from the evidence by Kirk.

“Just like senior officers. Always protecting each other!’ Chekov muttered under his breath.

Evidence was then introduced detailing Chekov’s long history of sexual adventures while on shore leave, which was interrupted when Doctor McCoy shouted “Listen to my goddamn health briefings” from the back of the room.

After a brief recess Chekov was found guilty of “contracting an alien social disease while on duty” and ordered to “Wash his penis frequently and abstain from Romulans and the sexual activity known as the reverse rusty trombone.”

“If I had known Romulans were that freaky I would have tried to get me some of that” Kirk muttered to Spock after the trial.

“Just get your damn Windows updates finished first before inviting her to do the rusty trombone” Spock responded.

(42)