This is so f*cking illogical!

Lieutenant Commander Spock of the Starship Enterprise has lodged a formal grievance with Star Fleet over their new Windows 10 laptops given to all officers.

“I mean come on. Windows 8 was bad enough. But this crap” said the logical and unemotional Vulcan First Officer.

Windows 8 sucked. If I wanted an operating system for a mobile device I’d buy a goddamn mobile device. I hated it. Now Window XP?  That was a logical operating system. I would wake up every morning, log into the laptop in my quarters and pull up my email to see if Nurse Chapel sent me any more of those sexy photos of her in lingerie. Don’t tell her I like those photos. I’m playing aloof and hard to get. Anyway I loved XP.  Windows 7 was okay.  Windows 8 sucked plomeek soup and I thought it couldn’t get any worse. But then Star Fleet gives me this new laptop with f*cking Windows 10 on it. If I wanted crappy, annoying operating systems I’d join the merchant marines.

The disgruntled First Officer cracked open an Angry Orchard cider, lit a cigarette and continued his rant.

So anyway I have this new Windows 10 laptop. The first thing I have to do is upgrade all the drivers for my printer and scanner. What an annoying pain in the ass that was. Especially since my scanner doesn’t have any official Windows 10 drivers out yet. So I ask Scotty for help. I said “Scotty you’re an engineer what do I do?”  You know what he said?  “I can’t change the laws of physics.” Jerk. So I had to buy a new scanner. Star Fleet wouldn’t get me a new one so I used my own money. The scanner comes in handy because I like to take photos of my penis, scan it in and email the photos to Nurse Chapel and then claim it was a mistake. You should see her cry. Yes I know I could just take a photo and send it from my phone but Star Fleet took all our mobile devices away after Kirk accidentally sent everyone on the Enterprise pictures of Uhuru polishing his knob. I tell you some things seen can never be unseen.

But Spock’s biggest complaint about Window 10 is the automatic updates feature.

I had a Romulan commander in my quarters and I was about to seal the deal with her, if you know what I mean.  I told her “Just let me shut down my laptop and I’ll come to bed and show you what a Dirty Sanchez is.” But when I tried to shut the laptop down the f*cking Windows updates started to run.  “Please don’t shut off your laptop” it said. Goddamn updates took 3 hours to complete. The Romulan got bored and left. I think she hooked up with Chekov. I hate Russians! I threw the laptop against the wall and then ripped it apart. I asked Star Fleet to give me a Macbook instead but it turns out ever since the Klingons bought Apple all Macintosh computers are quarantined in the Federation.

Until Spock can smuggle a Macbook onboard the Enterprise he has vowed to do without a computer.

“Computers make excellent and efficient servants, but I have no wish to serve under them. Damn this cider is good. It’s not logical that I like it so much but sometimes a Vulcan has to say ‘Screw logic and give me alcohol and women.’  Hmm. Perhaps I’ve been hanging around Kirk too much.”

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