America be oppressin’ me!

Seeking “peace in our time” NFL owners have voted to allow players to stay in the locker room during the playing of the National Anthem.

“This is a great moment for America” said one NFL owner after the vote was announced.

As we’ve watched our profit margin tumble and our TV ratings sink lower than a 65-year-old feminist’s breasts who hasn’t worn a bra in 40 years, we the owners have sought for a way to restore peace to the America and win back alienated fans. At first we thought of lowering ticket and concession prices but that’s just plain stupid. It was then that we hit on the compromise of allowing those who want to kneel to stay in the locker room during the National Anthem.

The players seem to like the compromise. Said one player who wishes to remain anonymous:

America be oppressin’ me! And they want me to stand during the National Anthem? I haven’t been so outraged since the last time I beat my bitch up and she had the nerve to say it was my fault!  I threw her out of the main house. She has to stay in one of the 15 guest cottages now. Bitch be bitchin’ gets what she deserves.

While the new deal does indeed promise “peace in our time” it leaves many questions which I will try to answer for my readers.

• I am neither black nor white. I am Hispanic. Am I allowed to stay in the locker room?

Excellent question. According to the peace agreement you can stay in the locker room for the first half of the National Anthem. However if you’re not back on the field standing by the time they get to “The rocket’s red glare” your relatives will be picked up by ICE.

• I am white but I love rap music. What should I do?

Stand at the entrance to the tunnel during the National Anthem and wave your penis to the crowd. This will tell them that you have sympathy with your black brothers in arms still in the locker room.

• I am black but I want to go out on the field and stand during the National Anthem. I am not a victim and I am proud of my country!

You disgust me you Uncle Tom! Why don’t you put on a MAGA cap and listen to country music, you traitor to your race!

• I am black but I’m on special teams. What do I do?

That’s a tough one. You are black. Yet on the other hand you’re a mere field goal kicker.  I suggest staying on the field and standing during the national anthem while holding up a clenched fist of rage. Black glove optional.

• I was President Obama’s head of the CIA. I despise Donald Trump and planted spies in his campaign headquarters.

Um. Okay. I don’t see what this has to do with football, though.

• It has nothing to do with football. I’m just very proud of what I did.

Right. Um.

• Manhattan Infidel when the full extent of your venality, moral turpitude, and political corruption becomes known, you will take your rightful place as a disgraced demagogue in the dustbin of history. You will not destroy America … America will triumph over you.

Um. You can stay in the locker room.

And there you have it readers. I hope the upcoming NFL season will be a great one for all fans with no distractions.

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