Join Star Fleet they said. It’s glamorous they said!

Leonard H. “Bones” McCoy, Chief Medical Officer on the Starship Enterprise has announced he is resigning his commission “effective immediately.”

“This crap just isn’t for me anymore” said the doctor.

I’m a good surgeon with a good bedside manner. I wanted a challenge. So I joined Star Fleet.  It’ll be glamorous they said. You’ll travel the galaxy they said. You’ll test and expand your medical skills they said.  All that is crap. Do you know what I do? I give lectures on how to avoid VD while on shore leave. That’s most of my job. And no one listens to me. So I spend most of the time when I’m not giving lectures on how to avoid VD while on shore leave treating VD acquired while on shore leave. How exactly is that glamorous? How is asking officers if they’ve had unprotected sex glamorous? I don’t want to know that shit. Especially Kirk. My god I have terabytes of information on Kirk’s sex life. What the hell are the Holy Bone of Clonrichert and the Ploughing Championships anyway? Forget it. I don’t want to know. It seems the officers on the Enterprise are doing things I haven’t even thought of yet. So screw them all. I’m resigning and going back to being a simple country doctor back home.

The proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back for McCoy was when he had to testify at Ensign Chekov’s courtmartial after Chekov contracted VD from a Romulan ambassador.

They had the nerve to courtmartial Chekov for doing exactly what they were doing. All the while he was on trial I had to look at “Jumbo breakfast roll” Kirk and “Spit on me dickie” Spock pretend they cared about maintaining discipline and personal morality. The hypocrisy was stunning. If Chekov had been a higher ranking officer none of this would have happened.

To top off his disgruntlement after the trial  McCoy had to treat Lieutenant Sulu for a social disease of unknown origin.

I don’t know what the hell he was doing but let’s just say his butthole was very wide. I told him his anus was wide enough for me to put my fist into it and you know what he said?  “That’s kind of the point, Doc.” How the hell does anyone get an anal canal that wide?  Forget it. I don’t want to know. Needless to say I chalked it up to another officer not paying any attention to my health briefings. So after he left I took a long shower and started drinking some good bootleg Romulan ale. I didn’t stop for days. When I did stop I handed in my resignation.

Now back at home on planet Earth, McCoy looks forward to establishing a quiet country practice.

“I just had my computers delivered. They have the latest medical software on them. Now I’m just going to shut them down and – what the? No I don’t want to install any updates!  Goddamn Windows 10 piece of shit!”

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