Starbucks Announces New “You Can Stay All Day Without Buying Anything” Policy!

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Stay all day. No need to buy anything

 

 

 

 

 

 

In light of a recent incident in Philadelphia where two black men were kicked out of their store for not buying anything, popular though shitty chain Starbucks has announced a new policy.

“We are a welcoming shitty coffee community” said Starbuck’s CEO Kevin Johnson.

And as a community of welcoming shitty coffee we are committed to social justice. I am personally ashamed that those innocent young black men were arrested in our store for the simple crime of not buying any of our welcoming shitty coffee. I want to ensure that this never happens again. Starting immediately I am ordering all our entitled and obnoxious employees to treat everyone in our welcoming shitty coffee community as a customer, whether they buy anything or not. I am not worried that this will effect our bottom line I am guaranteed millions in my contract except to increase our profits. Once people see the effects of our social justice model they will flock to our stores in unprecedented numbers mainly to not buy any of the shitty but welcoming coffee.

On a personal note Manhattan Infidel has in the past frequented Starbuck’s welcoming yet shitty coffee community Dunkin Donuts has better coffee. I am intrigued by their new social justice business model and feel it is way overdue. Finally people will be able to hang out indefinitely at Starbucks without being pressured into buying any of their welcoming yet burnt and unpalatable coffee.

Because I care about social justice and by social justice I mean pizza and beer I have compiled a list of things you can do while biding time at Starbucks, a welcoming and shitty coffee community:

  • Every time one of their cash registers rings up a sale stand up and shout “And the seventh seal opens!”
  • Ask the person sitting next to you if they will massage your nipples. (Now that is a matter of social justice!)
  • Say very loudly into your phone “No I still have her chained in my basement. Last I looked she was alive. They better pay the ransom soon though.”
  • Go into their bathroom for ten minutes. Come out and tell one of their entitled and obnoxious employees that you “just shot a load and need help cleaning it up.”
  • Go to the nearest Dunkin Donuts, buy some of their coffee, bring it to Starbucks and drink it. Tell everyone around you that “Dunkin Donuts may not be a welcoming coffee environment but their shit is good.”
  • Give everyone directions to the nearest Dunkin Donuts so they can have real coffee, not the welcoming yet shitty variety.
  • Bring a large cooler to Starbucks. Tell people the body of your dismembered lover is inside and you need help getting it onto your boat so you can dump it offshore in international waters.

And so readers I’m sure all of you will join me in celebrating Starbucks new welcoming but still shitty coffee social justice business model.

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