We go the poop you want

In a welcome display of Blue State-Red State cooperation, San Francisco has generously offered to give struggling farming communities in the interior of America their abundant supply of homless feces to use as fertilizer.

“We have a lot of poop on our streets” said San Francisco’s newly elected mayor, London Breed.

I mean tons of poop. It’s everywhere. We’ve become known as the Poop City by the Bay. And as Mayor I have vowed that tackling poop, well not literally, but tackling the poop problem will be my number one priority. That and locating my new home downwind of the homeless poop piles. Poop Mountain as some of us call it. Anyway I keep hearing that the interior red states are suffering economically. Probably because they aren’t as intelligent, forward thinking and elite as we on the coast. I hear farmers are particularly hard hit. I am not without sympathy. But they could have gone to college and studied computers. So I have come up with a plan that benefits both communities. San Francisco shall import its huge quantities of homeless poop to the struggling farm communities to use as fertilizer. I have never set foot on a farm and don’t know what they use as fertilizer but I hear they cut up undocumented Hispanic children and use them. And that’s wrong. Though sadly typical of the racist American interior.

To enable the more efficient and scientific collection of homeless feces, the city shall set up several “Poop Collection Stations” in strategic locations throughout the city.

Basically what we will be doing is rounding up our homeless – and don’t worry they will be allowed to bring their needles and heroin with them – and bringing them to the poop stations. Once inside they will be hooked up to intravenous feeding stations and fed a steady diet of liquid pizza. Why liquid pizza?  Because it’s more environmental. After a few hours on the pizza machines the homeless will of course have to evacuate their bowels  “Shitting” is what I think the unlettered people in the red states call it. Once a test subject feels the need to evacuate he will raise his or her or x/she’s hand. For in San Francisco we are not hung up on gender. Anyway once their hand is raised they will have a 12-inch diameter, high capacity suction hose inserted into their rectum. This will extract the fertilizer for processing. Each homeless person who has their fertilizer extracted will be given a coupon for half off a large or grande coffee at a participating Starbucks location.

However before the poop collection can begin a few kinks have to be ironed out.

We have had some problems with the suction machines. The first few homeless hooked up had their internal organs sucked out with the feces, contaminating the fertilizer and rendering it useless. So we have to think of another way to collect the poop.

The Mayor toured a poop collection station and mused how her policy is a great step forward in inter-state cooperation.

“We just have convince the homeless this in their best interest. Most are willing but only if we serve Château le Blanc ’68 slightly chilled with the liquid pizza.”

(59)

Today is a good day to kiss my ass!

Lieutenant Worf, son of Mogh, of the Starship Enterprise has been ordered to undergo several weeks of sensitivity training at Star Fleet Headquarters after a series of complaints against him.

“Star Fleet prides itself on being inclusive, tolerant and sensitive” said their Director of Human Resources.

And yes I know “Human” Resources is a non-inclusive term but we already have that stenciled in on the door to my office and it would cost too much to replace it. Anyway we pride ourselves on being inclusive and tolerant. Well except for the races we kill off when we accidentally destroy their sun. But that is a mistake anyone can make. Anyway as I was saying we are inclusive and tolerant. Well except for Latvians. They are banned from Star Fleet. But that’s just common sense. And as an inclusive and tolerant people Worf’s attitude was not part of our core values of inclusiveness and tolerance. Except for the Latvians. That’s why we ordered him to undergo sensitivity training.

Worf ran afoul of Star Fleet when word reached headquarters that he was attempting to use genuine Klingon mating rituals on board the Enterprise.

Star Fleet is very inclusive and doesn’t judge. Except for Latvians. And Belgians. Belgians! We despise them and their damn waffles! Anyway Worf was using authentic Klingon mating rituals on his shipmates.This involves a lot of sniffing of arm pits and licking. The male also reads Klingon love poetry while the female throws furniture at him. Hey, we at Star Fleet are very inclusive and non-judgmental but these mating rituals are just plain weird. It’s like Klingons are Swedish or something. And the poetry he was reading?  I can understand someone good like Rod McKuen  but Klingon poetry is well, very Klingon. Lots of sex and violence. Lots of heterosexual sex and violence. Look we at Star Fleet are very inclusive, tolerant and non-judgmental but all this heterosexual breeding sex talk could lead to law suits. We asked Worf if there was any homosexual Klingon poetry he could read.  That’s when he called me a QI’yaH. I have no idea what that means but it is probably insensitive. So we ordered him to come to headquarters for sensitivity training. Star Fleet prides itself on being sensitive. I mean it’s not like we are Mexican or anything.

Worf’s commander, Captain Picard agreed that Worf needed counseling.

The turbolift stopped once and the door opened and he and Counselor Troi were going at it like animals. Sweating and naked. Come on I don’t need to see that. I’m French!  I would have reprimanded him on the spot but I was late to a, um, counseling session with Doctor Crusher. Okay it was more like role play. I am the soccer player who has just been given a red card and she is the ref. I would do anything to get her take back the red card. See? Nothing unusual about that. Not like these Klingon sex rituals. I mean you’d think the Klingons were Argentinean or something.

Star Fleet is not optimistic that the sensitivity training will take with Worf.

“At his first class we asked him to talk about his feelings” said a counselor.

“He just stood up and said ‘Today is a good day to kiss my ass.’ Then he walked out. Such insensitivity!  You’d think he was Chinese!”

(62)

Socialism today! Socialism tomorrow! Socialism forever!

Alexandria Octavio-Cortez, the winner of New York’s 14th congressional district Democratic primary, has vowed to bring the ideals of Democratic socialism to the capitalist planet of Ferenginar.

“My victory is the beginning of a movement” said the future of the Democratic party.

And that future is socialism, or Democratic socialism. Even though I can’t give a definition of Democratic socialism it is the wave of the future. People are demanding socialism. New York demands it. The United States demands it. The world demands it. The entire Alpha quadrant of the Milky Way Galaxy is demanding it. And I am just the person to do it. I watch Star Trek a lot and I noticed that the Ferengi are avowed capitalists. They are always looking for profit. While we all like profit I believe capitalism is the wrong means to achieve it. True profit can only be achieved when everyone profits. And that can only happen with the redistribution of income that comes with socialism. Or Democratic socialism. They might be the same thing.

With fellow socialist (or Democratic socialist because they might be the same thing) Bernie Sanders by her side, Octavio-Cortez unveiled “Redistribute 2020″, a spaceship of her own design that will bring her message of socialism, or Democratic socialism, to the Ferengi.

Yes I know my spaceship looks like a cardboard box.

This is a spaceship

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But looks can be deceiving. Just like socialism, or Democratic socialism because they may be the same thing. No seriously it’s a space ship. I used to play in cardboard boxes and pretend they were space ships when I was a child. Now that I am a serious adult, and a socialist, or a Democratic socialist to boot, I will use this spaceship to travel to the Ferengi homeworld and teach them the joys of my superior economic system. I have no idea how long it will take to arrive on Ferenginar. Or where Ferenginar is. I take the answers to these questions on faith. Just like socialism. Or Democratic socialism. I don’t know how socialism works but I have faith it does.

Octavio-Cortez, the future of the Democratic, or the social Democratic party, then warned reporters not to stand to close to her spaceship as it takes off.

Granted I won’t be using icky fossil fuels or ickier nuclear energy so there is no risk of explosion. My ship pilots on wind power. But better safe than sorry. So stand back and watch me take off on the most glorious adventure of my life. The adventure of socialism! Or Democratic socialism. They might be the same thing.

She then disappeared inside her carboard box cum spaceship with her co-pilot Bernie Sanders.

“Does this thing have a bathroom?” asked Sanders as the box was taped shut.

“My prostate is the size of Texas and I urinate frequently. You could say I redistribute my urine in a socialist, or Democratic socialist because they might be the same thing, fashion.”

(1144)

It’s bad enough you guys never ask for directions but you never follow mine either!

Today at Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing a woman of extreme importance in American history: None other than the Shoshone squaw and Lewis and Clark guide Sacagawea.

MI: Good afternoon Sacagawea

S: Yeah, whatever.

MI:Would you like to smoke the pipe of peace with me?

S: Listen on behalf of my people I have no time for your racist shit.

MI: Okay I’m sorry. I just thought you’d like to honor the traditions of your fathers.

S: The tradition of my fathers? You mean being kidnapped by the Hidatsu and then sold in marriage to a French trapper? Yeah some rich tradition.

MI: Let’s move along. How did you end up in the Corps of Discovery?

S: My husband got a job with them. And being a woman – with no rights – I had to go with him.

MI:  I see. What did you think of Lewis and Clark?  Any inside information you might want to share with my readers?

S:  The two didn’t along very well.  Clark kept complaining that he should get top billing. Lewis complained about Clark’s toxic masculinity. They avoided each other. Clark would smoke a pipe and drink with the men and Lewis would make maps and put a pistol in his mouth.  He said it was a ritual of his people. Whatever. I’ve seen people off themselves before, crazy white man.

MI:What was it like being the only female member in the Corps of Discovery? Do you have any fond memories?

S: Fond memories?  Do you know what it’s like sharing a canoe with nothing but men?

MI: No I can’t say that I can. I mean that literally. The court records are sealed.

S: All they ever did was talk about sports. Nonstop. All day long. Sports this. Sports that. Can’t we just stop talking about sports for five minutes and talk about our feelings instead?

MI: That must have gone over well.

S: Oh very well. They “accidentally” left me behind one day. But I caught up and kicked some white people’s ass I did.

MI: I see.

S: And no one ever stopped to ask for directions. Ever!  They kept looking at their maps and saying “Where the hell are we?” I’d say “Well just stop the damn canoe and ask someone for directions!” But they never did. We were damn lucky we didn’t end up in Baltimore. And no one would have enjoyed that.

MI: I bet not.

S: And what’s with the farting?  That’s all they did. Fart. 

MI: Fart?

S: All the goddamn time. They thought it was funny. But meanwhile I’m gasping for air, my eyes are watering and the farts are setting fire to the riverbank. I ain’t cleaning that up I told them. They just laughed and called me an irrational woman.

MI: When the expedition was over did Lewis and Clark give you anything?

S: They gave me something they called “Selfies.”

MI:What were those?

S: Pictures of their penises. I kept telling them “Guys it ain’t nothing I haven’t seen before.”

MI:What are you doing now?

S: I’m a stripper. Girl’s got to support her children you know.

MI: Okay. Anyway I thank you for your time.

S:  Would you like a lap dance? It’s only a 100 dollars.

MI: No, I –

S: F*cking white men. Always want it for free.

And so ended my interview with the legendary squaw. It’s a good thing she’s gone. I really have to fart.

(310)