Former Cardinal McCarrick: I Was Trying to Kiss a Seminarian’s Penis When Leslie Moonves Sexually Harassed Me!

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Have you got a dime? Do you want to spend some time?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Theodore McCarrick, who recently resigned from the College of Cardinals after a sex scandal, has revealed that at one point he was harassed by Leslie Moonves of CBS, who himself is the target of sexual harassment allegations.

“I was at my beach house with some seminarians” declared the former Cardinal and now Archbishop (pictured here).

As a Cardinal I have very high standards of behavior

These were all young men with firm and toned bodies. I had let it be known that they had better have sex with me or I won’t let them become ordained. It’s one of the perks of being a bishop you see. Anyway I was on my knees about to kiss a penis. It was a holy penis. A future priest’s penis, when out of the corner of my eye I see Leslie Moonves, who I knew was a powerful television executive. He said “Sorry Your Eminence. I don’t mean to disturb your penis kissing but I just grabbed Illeana Douglas and held her down and tried to have my way with her. But she escaped. You haven’t see her have you?” Now that’s textbook sexual harassment. I think Moonves behavior is disgusting. So I told him to leave. I will not tolerate that behavior in my presence. Then I went back to raping the seminarian. And rape is not sexual harassment. It’s a perk.

After leaving the visibly distressed Cardinal, Moonves then bumped into Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein.

“Have you seen Illeana Douglas”  (pictured here)

Girl power

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Moonves asked.

I was trying to hold her down and she escaped. Naturally as a powerful television executive I had no intention of using my position to get sexual favors from her. I just wanted to hold her down and have my way with her. It’s a perk you see.

Weinstein, upon hearing this told Moonves that he had no idea where Douglas was but that if he really wanted to use his position of authority to get what he wanted he could round up Rose McGowen for him.

Party! But I resent having it be your idea!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“She’s at my place doing a shitload of coke. I can give you her number” Weinstein helpfully offered.

Moonves declined Weinstein’s offer and left.

He then bumped into legendary Hollywood actor Kevin Spacey (pictured here)

Cant’ have fun until you hold them down

 

 

 

 

 

 

who was intrigued by Moonves story of holding down Douglas.

“You can’t have any fun until you hold them down” said the much-decorated actor.

“That’s the same thing I said to Cardinal McCarrick” replied Moonves.  “But he was busy kissing a seminarian’s penis.”

Upon hearing of the penis kissing Spacey left Moonves and drove to McCarrick’s beach house and knocked on the door.

“Cardinal can I join you?” asked the liberal Democrat.  “I heard your story from Weinstein who heard it from Moonves.”

“That’s may I join you” said the former Cardinal.

Proper grammar is a sign of civilization and the presence of gentlemen. It’s what separates us from the Latin Mass types and the French. And yes you may join me.

“Sexual harassment. It’s the circle of life” responded Spacey.

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Note:  My editor informs me that I have to tell my readers that none of this may have happened.

Whatever. Last time I let him kiss my penis.

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2 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    Infidel, do you remember that bit about the “smoke of satan” entering the church?

    Sorry, for “church” read “homo orgy bath house.”

    ffs.

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      The smoke of Satan crack and Humanae Vitae were the only two things Paul VI did right.

      Just my humble opinion.

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