My Exclusive Interview with Pope Francis

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I”m a very serious man

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing none other than the successor to St. Peter and the current bishop of Rome, His Holiness Pope Francis.

MI: Good afternoon your Holiness.

PF: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI: Let’s start out by asking you about the death penalty.

PF: Yes, yes, the death penalty.  Very serious. An attack on human dignity.  Inadmissible under any circumstance.

MI: Any circumstance?

PF: ANY circumstance!

MI:But wasn’t Jesus put to death?  I mean without the death penalty there would be no Christianity. 

Umm…………..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Pause]

MI: Your Holiness?

PF: Okay. Under certain circumstances I guess the death penalty is still admissible.

MI: Like murder?

PF: Absolutely not. Even a murderer has a spark of the divine in him.

MI: A spark of the divine?

PF: Yes.

MIAre you sure you don’t know Nancy Pelosi?

PFNo. I try to stay out of politics.

MI: I see.

PF: OPEN BORDERS!

MI: What?

PF: We must have open borders!  It’s what Jesus would have wanted.

MI: But isn’t Vatican City surrounded by a wall? 

Is it getting warm in here?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Pause]

MI: Your Holiness?

PF:  Back to the death penalty.  It can be admissible under certain limited circumstances.

MI: Double murderer?

PF: No. Spark of the divine.

MI: Triple murderer?

PF: Spark of the divine.

MI: Serial killer?

PF: Again, even a serial killer has the spark of the divine in them.

MI: Someone who double parks?

PF: FRY THE BASTARD!

MI: What?

PF: Do you know how hard it is to get a parking spot in the Vatican?  I was driving around for hours while all the pain in the ass tourists were snapping photos and shouting “It’s the Pope!” I know I’m the Pope!  Well I finally see what might be a parking spot and I pull up but some bastard was double parked in it. I called the Vatican police and said “Hey, I was going to park my Popemobile here but this son of a bitch is double parked!”  Do you know what they did?

MI: They gave him a ticket?

PF: No. They gave me a ticket! Said my registration had expired. One of the cops even smashed my windshield and said “Nice Popemobile you  have here. Shame if something were to happen to it.”

MI: I can see how that would be upsetting.

PF: I excommunicated  him. Bastard. Cops like that deserve the death penalty too!  That’s admissible. You can quote me on that.

MI: I believe I will. Anyway that’s about all the time we have. Is there any thing you want to say to my readers?

PF: Catholics who use too large a climate footprint are responsible for climate change. And climate change is a mortal sin. That and double parking. I, Pope Francis, have just promulgated this. 

MI: What about Cardinals who sleep with their seminarians?

PF: Spark of the divine.

MI: I see.

And so ended my interview with His Holiness Pope Francis. You know I should have told him that was my car that was double parked. But perhaps it’s best he didn’t know.

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